痴儿西木传·第三卷

德语原文

Das dritte Buch

Das erste Kapitel

In Soest suchte ich Ruhm und Gunst in Handlungen, die sonst strafwürdig
gewesen wären. Ich war ehrgeizig geworden, und meine Torheit ließ
mich Leib- und Lebensgefahr vor gering anschlagen. Wann andere
schliefen, hielten mich meine wunderlichen Grillen wach, und ich sann
auf neue Fündgen und Listen. So erfand ich eine Gattung Schuhe, die
man den Absatz zuvorderst anziehen konnte, deren ließe ich dreißig
unterschiedliche Paar machen. Wann ich solche unter meine Burschen
austeilete, war es unmöglich, uns aufzuspüren, dann wir trugen bald
diese, bald unsere rechten Schuhe an den Füßen, und es sahe am Ziele
aus, als wann zwo Parteien allda zusammengekommen wären und mit
einander verschwunden seien. Ohndas verwirrete ich unsere Spur, so
daß mich niemand hätte auskünden können. Ich lag oft allernächst bei
denen vom Gegenteil, die mich in der Ferne suchten, und noch öfter
etliche Meilwegs von dem Busch, den sie umstellten und durchstreiften.
Also ließ ich auch an Scheid- und Kreuzwegen unversehens absteigen und
den Pferden die Eisen das hinterst zu vörderst aufschlagen. Ganz zu
geschweigen der gemeinen Vorteil, die man brauchet, wann man schwach
auf Partei ist und doch vor stark aus der Spur judiziert werden will.

Wann ich nicht auf Partei dorfte, so ging ich sonst aus zu stehlen,
und dann war kein Stall vor mir sicher. Rindviehe und Pferden wußte
ich Stiefel und Schuhe anzulegen, bis ich sie auf eine gänge Straße
brachte. Die großen fetten Schweinspersonen, die Faulheit halber nicht
reisen mögen, wußte ich meisterlich fort zu bringen, wann sie schon
grunzten und nicht daran wollten. Ich machte ihnen mit Mehl und Wasser
einen wohlgesalzenen Brei, ließ solchen einen Badeschwamm in sich
saufen, an welchen ich einen starken Bindfaden gebunden hatte. Ließ
nachgehends diejenigen, um welche ich buhlete, den Schwamm voll Mus
fressen und behielt die Schnur in der Hand, worauf sie ohne Wortwechsel
geduldig mitgingen und mir die Zeche mit Schinken und Würsten
bezahleten.

Was ich brachte, teilete ich sowohl den Offizierern als meinen
Kameraden getreulich mit. Im übrigen dünkte ich mich viel zu gut darzu
zu sein, daß ich die Armen bestehlen, Hühner fangen oder andere geringe
Sachen hätte mausen sollen.

Dahero fing ich an nach und nach mit Fressen und Saufen ein epikuräisch
Leben zu führen, weil ich meines Einsiedels Lehren vergessen und
niemand hatte, der meine Jugend regierte. Meine Offizierer schmarotzten
bei mir und reizten mich viel mehr zu allen Lastern, wo sie mich hätten
strafen und abmahnen sollen. So ward ich endlich gottlos und verrucht,
daß mir kein Schelmstück zu groß schien, und zuletzt auch heimlich
beneidet, beides: von Kameraden und Offizieren, da ich mir einen
größeren Namen und Ansehen machte, als sie selbst hatten.

Während ich im Begriffe stund, mir einige Teufelslarven und
darzugehörige Kleidungen mit Roß- und Ochsenfüßen machen zu lassen,
vermittels deren ich Freund und Feind in Schröcken setzen könnte,
bekam ich Zeitung, daß ein Kerl sich in Werle aufhielte, welcher ein
trefflicher Parteigänger sei, sich grün kleiden lasse und hin und her
auf dem Land, sonderlich bei unsern Kontribuenten, unter meinem Namen
mit Weiberschänden und Plünderungen allerhand Exorbitantien verübe,
maßen dahero gräuliche Klagen auf mich einkamen. Solches gedachte ich
ihm nicht zu schenken, weit weniger zu leiden, daß er sich länger
meines Namens bediene. Ich ließ ihn mit Wissen des Kommandanten in
Soest auf Degen und Pistolen ins freie Feld zu Gast laden, nachdem er
aber das Herz nicht hatte zu erscheinen, ließ ich mich vernehmen, daß
ich mich an ihm revangieren wollte, so ich ihn auf Partei ertappte,
werde er von mir als Feind traktiert werden. Darauf verbrannte ich
in Soest vor meinem Quartier offentlich meine ganze grüne Kleidung,
unangesehen, daß sie über hundert Dukaten wert war, und fluchte in
solcher Wut noch darüber hin, daß der nächste, der mich mehr »Jäger«
nenne, entweder mich ermorden oder von meinen Händen sterben müsse, und
sollte es auch meinen Hals kosten. Ich wollte auch keine Partei mehr
führen, ich hätte mich zuvor an meinem Widerpart zu Werle gerochen.

Dies erscholl gar bald in der Nachbarschaft, davon wurden die Parteien
vom Gegenteil so kühn und sicher, daß sie schier täglich vor unsern
Schlagbäumen lagen. Was mir aber gar zu unleidlich viel war, daß der
Jäger von Werle noch immer fortfuhr sich vor mich auszugeben.

Indessen jedermann meinete, ich läge auf der Bernhaut, kündigte ich
meines Gegenteils von Werle Tun und Lassen aus und machte meinen
Anschlag darauf. Meine beiden Knechte, sonderlich Spring-ins-Feld,
hatte ich nach und nach abgerichtet wie die Wachtelhunde. Davon
schickte ich den einen nach Werle zu meinem Gegenteil. Der wandte
vor, daß ich nunmehr anfinge zu leben, wie ein anderer Kujon und
verschworen hätte nimmer auf Partei zu gehen, so hätte er nicht mehr
bei mir bleiben mögen. Er wisse alle Wege und Stege im Lande und könne
manchen Anschlag geben, gute Beute zu machen. Der einfältige Narr von
Werle glaubte meinem Knecht und nahm ihn an. So bekam ich Wind, daß sie
in einer bestimmten Nacht auf eine Schäferei zuhielten, etliche fette
Hämmel zu holen. Ich bestach den Schäfer, daß er seine Hunde anbinden
und die Ankömmlinge unverhindert in die Scheuer minieren lassen sollte,
so wollte ich ihnen das Hammelfleisch schon gesegnen. Indessen paßte
ich und Spring-ins-Feld mit einem andern Knecht auf, die ich hiebevor
beide mit meinen Teufelslarven und Kleidern wohl ausstaffieret.

Da nun der Jäger von Werle und sein Knecht ein Loch durch die Wand
gegraben hatten, wollte der Jäger haben, daß der Knecht zum erstenmal
hineinschliefe. Der aber sagte: »Ich sehe wohl, daß Ihr nicht mausen
könnt, man muß zuvor visieren, ob Bläsi zu Hause sei oder nicht.«

Er zog hierauf seinen Degen und hing den Hut an die Spitze, stieß
etliche Male durchs Loch. Als solches geschehen, kroch der Jäger als
erster hinein, aber Spring-ins-Feld erwischte ihn gleich bei der
Degenhand. Da hörete ich, daß sein anderer Gesell durchgehen wollte,
und weil ich nicht wußte, welches der Jäger sei, eilete ich nach und
ertappte ihn.

»Was Volks?« -- »Kaiserisch.« -- »Was Regiments, ich bin auch
kaiserisch, ein Schelm, der seinen Herrn verleugnet!« -- »Wir seind von
den Dragonern von Soest,« sagte er, »Bruder, ich hoffe, Ihr werdet uns
passieren lassen.« -- »Wer seid Ihr dann aus Soest.« -- »Mein Kamerad,
den Ihr im Stall ertappet, ist der Jäger.« -- »Schelmen seid ihr! Warum
plündert ihr dann euer eigen Quartier, der Jäger von Soest ist so kein
Narr, daß er sich in einem Schafstall fangen läßt!« -- »Ach, von Wörle
wollt ich sagen,« antwortete er mir.

Indem ich so disputierte, kam mein Knecht und Spring-ins-Feld mit
meinem Gegenteil auch daher.

»Siehe da, du ehrlicher Vogel, kommen wir hier zusammen? Wann ich
kaiserliche Waffen nicht respektierte, so wollte ich dir gleich eine
Kugel durch den Kopf jagen. Ich bin der Jäger von Soest und du bist
ein Schelm, bis du einen von gegenwärtigen Degen zu dir nimmst und den
andern auf Soldatenmanier mit mir missest.«

Indem legte Spring-ins-Feld uns zwei gleiche Degen vor die Füße. Der
arme Jäger erschrak so gewaltig, daß er seine Hosen verderbte, davon
schier niemand bei ihm bleiben konnte. Er und sein Kamerad zitterten
wie nasse Hunde, sie fielen auf die Knie und baten um Gnade. Aber
Spring-ins-Feld kollerte wie aus einem hohlen Hafen heraus: »Du
mußt einmal raufen, oder ich will dir den Hals brechen!« -- »Ach,
hochgeehrter Herr Teufel, ich bin nicht des Raufens halber herkommen!
Der Herr Teufel überhebe mich dessen, so will ich hingegen tun, was du
willst.«

Mein Knecht zwang ihm den Degen in die Hand, er zitterte aber so, daß
er ihn nicht halten konnte. Der Schäfer kam herbei und stellte sich,
als ob er von den beiden Teufeln nichts sähe, er fragte mich, was ich
mit diesen beiden Kerlen lang in seiner Schäferei zu zanken hätte, ich
sollte es an einem andern Ort ausmachen, dann unsere Händel gingen ihm
nichts an. Er gäbe monatlich seine Konterbission und wolle in Frieden
leben. Zu den beiden sagte er, warum sie sich von mir einzigem Kerl
geheien ließen und mich nicht niederschlügen.

»Du Flegel,« rief ich, »sie haben dir deine Schafe stehlen wollen!«

Da sagte der Bauer: »So wollte ich, daß sie meinen Schafen müßten den
Hintern lecken.« Damit ging er weg.

Ich drang auf das Fechten, mein armer Jäger aber konnte vor Forcht
schier nicht mehr auf den Füßen stehen, also daß er mich daurete. Er
und sein Kamerad brachten so bewegliche Worte vor, daß ich ihm endlich
alles verziehe und vergab.

Aber Spring-ins-Feld war damit nicht zufrieden, er zwang den Jäger an
dreien Schafen zu tun, was der Baur gewünscht hatte, und zerkratzte
ihn mit seinen Teufelskrallen noch darzu so abscheulich im Gesicht,
daß er aussahe, als ob er mit den Katzen gefressen hätte, mit welcher
schlichten Rache ich mich zufrieden gab.

Der Jäger von Werle verschwand bald aus der Gegend, weil er sich zu
sehr schämte, dann sein Kamerad sprengte aller Orten aus und beteuret
es mit heftigen Flüchen, daß ich wahrhaftig zween leibhaftiger Teufel
hätte, die mir auf den Dienst warteten. Darum ward ich noch mehr
geförchtet, hingegen aber desto weniger geliebet.

Das ander Kapitel

Solches wurde ich bald gewahr, daher stellete ich mein vorig gottlos
Leben allerdings ab. Ich ging zwar auf Partei, zeigete mich aber gegen
Freund und Feind so leutselig und diskret, daß alle, die mir unter die
Hände kamen, ein anderes glaubten, als sie von mir gehöret hatten.
Ich sammlete mir viel schöne Dukaten und Kleinodien, welche ich hin
und wieder auf dem Lande in hohle Bäume verbarg, dann ich hatte mehr
Feinde in der Stadt Soest und im Regiment, die mir und meinem Gelde
nachstellten, als außerhalb und bei den feindlichen Guarnisonen.

Ich saß einsmals mit fünfundzwanzig Feuerröhren nicht weit von Dorsten
und paßte einer Bedeckung mit etlichen Fuhrleuten auf, die nach Dorsten
kommen sollte. Ich hielt selbst Schildwacht, weil wir dem Feinde nahe
waren. Da sah ich einen Mann daherkommen, fein ehrbar gekleidet, der
redete mit sich selbst und focht dabei seltsam mit den Händen.

»Ich will einmal die Welt strafen, es sei dann, mir wolle es das große
Numen nicht zugeben!«

Woraus ich mutmaßete, er möcht etwan ein mächtiger Fürst sein, der so
verkleideter Weise herumginge, seiner Untertanen Leben und Sitten zu
erkunden. Ich dachte, ist dieser Mann vom Feind, so setzt es ein gutes
Lösegeld, wo nicht, so willst du ihn aufs höflichste traktieren. Sprang
derohalben hervor und präsentierte mein Gewehr mit aufgezogenem Hahnen.

»Der Herr wird belieben, vor mir hin in den Busch zu gehen.«

Er antwortete sehr ernsthaftig: »Solcher Tractation ist
meinesgleichen nicht gewohnt.«

Ich tummlete ihn höflich fort. »Der Herr wird sich vor diesmal in die
Zeit schicken.«

Als die Schildwachen wieder besetzt waren, fragte ich ihn, wer er
sei. Er antwortete großmütig, es würde mir wenig daran gelegen sein,
wannschon ich es wüßte: Er sei auch ein großer Gott!

Ich gedachte, er mochte mich vielleicht kennen und etwan ein Edelmann
von Soest sein und so sagen, um mich zu hetzen, weil man die Soester
mit dem großen Gott und dem göldenen Fürtuch zu vexieren pfleget, ward
aber bald in, daß ich anstatt eines Fürsten einen Phantasten gefangen
hätte, der sich überstudieret und in der Poeterei gewaltig verstiegen,
dann er gab sich vor den Gott Jupiter aus. Ich wünschte zwar, daß ich
den Fang nicht getan, mußte den Narren aber wohl behalten. Mir ward ohn
das die Zeit lang, so gedachte ich diesen Kerl zu stimmen.

»Nun dann, mein lieber Jove, wie kommt es doch, daß deine hohe Gottheit
ihren himmlischen Thron verlässet und zu uns auf Erden steiget? Vergib
mir, o Jupiter, meine Frage, die du vor fürwitzig halten möchtest, dann
wir seind den himmlischen Göttern auch verwandt und eitel Sylvani,
von den Faunis und Nymphis geboren, denen diese Heimlichkeit billig
unverborgen bleiben sollte.«

»Ich schwöre beim Styx,« antwortete er, »daß du nichts erfahren
solltest, wann du meinem Mundschenken Ganymed nicht so ähnlich
sähest! Zu mir ist ein groß Geschrei über der Welt Laster durch die
Wolken gedrungen, darüber ward in aller Götter Rat beschlossen,
den Erdboden wieder mit Wasser auszutilgen. Weil ich aber dem
Menschengeschlecht mit sonderbarer Gunst gewogen bin, vagiere ich jetzt
herum, der Menschen Tun und Lassen selbst zu erkündigen. Obwohl ich
alles ärger finde, als es vor mich gekommen, so will ich doch nicht
alle Menschen zugleich und ohn Unterscheid ausrotten, sondern allein
die Schuldigen.«

Ich verbiß das Lachen, so gut ich konnte.

»Ach Jupiter, deine Mühe und Arbeit wird besorglich allerdings umsonst
sein. Schickest du zur Straf einen Krieg, so laufen alle verwegenen
Buben mit, welche die friedliebenden, frommen Menschen nur quälen
werden; schickest du eine Teuerung, so ists eine erwünschte Sache vor
die Wucherer, weil alsdann denselben ihr Korn viel gilt; schickest du
aber eine Sterben, so haben die Geizhälse und alle übrigen Menschen ein
gewonnenes Spiel, indem sie hernach viel erben. Wirst derhalben die
ganze Welt mit Butzen und Stiel ausrotten müssen.«

»Du redest von der Sache wie ein natürlicher Mensch,« antwortete
Jupiter, »als ob du nicht wüßtest, daß es einem Gott möglich ist, die
Bösen zu strafen, die Guten zu erhalten! Ich will einen deutschen
Helden erwecken, der soll alles mit der Schärfe seines Schwertes
vollenden.«

Ich meinte: »So muß ja ein solcher Held auch Soldaten haben, und wo
man Soldaten braucht, da ist auch Krieg, und wo Krieg ist, da muß der
Unschuldige sowohl als der Schuldige herhalten.«

»Ich will einen solchen Helden schicken, der keiner Soldaten bedarf und
doch die ganze Welt reformieren soll. In seiner Geburtsstunde will ich
ihm verleihen einen wohlgestalten und stärkeren Leib, als Herkules
einen hatte, mit Fürsichtigkeit, Weisheit und Verstand überflüssig
gezieret. Mercurius soll ihn mit unvergleichlich sinnreicher Vernunft
begaben, Vulcan soll ihm ein Schwert schmieden, mit welchem er die
ganze Welt bezwingen und alle Gottlosen niedermachen wird, ohne fernere
Hilfe eines einzigen Menschen. Eine jede große Stadt soll vor seiner
Gegenwart erzittern, und eine jede Festung, die sonst unüberwindlich
ist, wird er in der ersten Viertelstunde in seinem Gehorsam haben.
Zuletzt wird er den größten Potentaten der Welt befehlen und die
Regierung über Meer und Erden so löblich anstellen, daß beides: Götter
und Menschen ein Wohlgefallen darob haben sollen.«

Ich sagte: »Wie kann die Niedermachung aller Gottlosen ohn
Blutvergießen und das Kommando über die ganze weite Welt ohn sonderbare
große Gewalt und starken Arm geschehen? O Jupiter, ich bekenne dir
unverhohlen, daß ich diese Dinge weniger als ein sterblicher Mensch
begreifen kann.«

»Weil du nicht weißt, was meines Helden Schwert vor eine seltene
Kraft an sich haben wird. Wann er solche entblößet und nur einen
Streich in die Luft tut, so kann er einer ganzen Armada, wenngleich
sie hinter einem Berg stünde, auf einmal die Köpfe herunterhauen,
sodaß die armen Teufel ohne Kopf daliegen müssen, eh sie einmal
wissen wie ihnen geschehen. Er wird von einer Stadt zur andern
ziehen und das halsstarrig und ungehorsam Volk, Mörder, Wucherer,
Diebe, Schelme, Ehebrecher, Hurer und Buben ausrotten. Er wird jeder
Stadt ihren Teil Landes, um sie her gelegen, im Frieden zu regieren
übergeben. Von jeder Stadt durch ganz Deutschland wird er zween von
den klügsten und gelehrtesten Männern zu sich nehmen, aus denselben
ein Parlament machen, die Städte mit einander auf ewig vereinigen,
die Leibeigenschaften samt allen Zöllen, Accisen, Zinsen, Gülten und
Umgelten durch ganz Deutschland aufheben und solche Anstalten machen,
daß man von keinem Frohnen, Wachen, Contribuieren, Geldgeben, Kriegen,
noch einziger Beschwerung beim Volk mehr wissen wird. Alsdann werde ich
mit dem ganzen Götterchor oftmals herunter zu den Deutschen steigen und
die Musen von neuem darauf pflanzen. Ich will dann nur deutsch reden
und mit einem Wort mich so gut deutsch erzeigen, daß ich ihnen auch
endlich, wie vordem den Römern, die Beherrschung über die ganze Welt
werde zukommen lasse.«

Ich sagte: »Höchster Jupiter, was werden aber Fürsten und Herren dazu
sagen?«

Er antwortete: »Hierum wird sich mein Held wenig bekümmern. Er wird die
Großen in drei Teile unterscheiden und diejenigen, so unexemplarisch
und verrucht leben, gleich den Gemeinen strafen, denen andern aber
wird er die Macht geben, im Land zu bleiben oder nicht. Wer bleibet
und sein Vaterland liebet, der wird leben müssen wie andere gemeine
Leute, die dritten aber, die ja Herren bleiben und immerzu herrschen
wollen, wird er durch Ungarn und Italien in die Moldau, Wallachei, in
Macedoniam, Thraciam, Griechenland, ja, über den Hellespontum in Asiam
hineinführen, ihnen dieselbigen Länder gewinnen, alle Kriegsgurgeln in
ganz Deutschland mitgeben und sie alldort zu lauter Königen machen.
Alsdann wird er Konstantinopel in einem Tag einnehmen und allen Türken,
die sich nicht bekehren, die Köpfe vor den Hintern legen. Daselbst
wird er das römische Kaisertum wieder aufrichten und sich wieder
nach Deutschland begeben und mit seinem Parlament eine Stadt mitten
in Deutschland bauen, welche viel größer sein wird und goldreicher
als Jerusalem zu Salomonis Zeiten, deren Wälle sich dem tirolischen
Gebirg und ihre Wassergräben der Breite des Meeres zwischen Hispania
und Afrika vergleichen sollen. Er wird einen Tempel darin bauen und
eine Kunstkammer aufrichten, darin sich alle Raritäten der ganzen Welt
versammeln.«

Ich fragte den Narren, was dann die christlichen Könige bei der Sache
tun würden, und er antwortete:

»Die in England, Schweden und Dänemark werden, weil sie deutschen
Geblütes und Herkommens, die in Hispania, Frankreich und Portugal,
weil die alten Deutschen selbige Länder hiebevor regieret haben, ihre
Kronen, Königreiche und inkorporierten Länder von der deutschen Nation
aus freien Stücken zu Lehen empfangen. Alsdann wird, wie zu Augusti
Zeiten, ein ewiger beständiger Friede zwischen allen Völkern in der
ganzen Welt sein.«

Das dritte Kapitel

Spring-ins-Feld hätte den Handel beinahe verderbet, weil er sagte: »Und
alsdann wirds in Deutschland hergehen wie im Schlauraffenland, da es
lauter Muskateller regnet und die Kreuzerpastetlein über Nacht wie die
Pfifferlinge wachsen! Da werd ich mit beiden Backen fressen müssen wie
ein Drescher, und Malvasier saufen, daß mir die Augen übergehen!«

Da sagte Jupiter zu mir: »Ich habe vermeint, ich sei bei lauter
Waldgöttern, so sehe ich aber, daß ich den neidigen, dürren Tadler
Momus und Zoilus angetroffen habe. Ja, man soll edle Perlen nicht
vor die Säue werfen!«

Ich verbiß mein Lachen, so gut ich konnte, und sagte zu ihm:
»Allergütigster Jove, du wirst ja eines groben Waldgottes
Unbescheidenheit halber deinem andern Ganymede nicht verhalten, wie es
weiter in Deutschland hergehen wird.«

»O nein, aber befiehl diesem säuischen Commentatori fürderhin seine
Zunge im Zaum zu halten. -- Höre, lieber Ganymed, es wird alsdann
in Deutschland das Goldmachen so gewiß und so gemein werden als das
Hafnerhandwerk, daß schier ein jeder Roßbub den Stein der Weisen wird
umschleppen.«

»Wie aber wird Deutschland bei so unterschiedlichen Religionen einen
langwierigen Frieden haben können? Werden die Pfaffen nicht die Ihrigen
hetzen und des Glaubens wegen wiederum einen Krieg anspinnen?«

»Nein,« sagte Jupiter, »mein Held wird weislich zuvorkommen und alle
Glauben vereinigen.«

»O Wunder! Das wäre ein groß Werk! Wie müßte das geschehen?«

»Das will ich dir herzlich gern offenbaren: Nachdem mein Held den
Universal-Frieden der ganzen Welt verschafft, wird er geistliche und
weltliche Vorsteher der unterschiedlichen Völker und Kirchen mit
einem sehr beweglichen Sermon anreden und sie durch hochvernünftige
Gründe und unwiderlegliche Argumenta dahin bringen, daß sie sich
selbst eine allgemeine Vereinigung wünschen. Alsdann wird er die
allergeistreichsten, gelehrtesten und frömmsten von allen Orten und
Enden her aus allen Religionen zusammenbringen und ihnen auferlegen,
daß sie sobald immer möglich die Streitigkeiten ernstlich beilegen und
nachgehends mit rechter Einhelligkeit die wahre, heilige, christliche
Religion gemäß der heiligen Schrift, der uralten Tradition und der
probierten heiligen Väter Meinung schriftlich verfassen sollen. Wenn er
aber merken sollte, daß sich einer oder der andere von Teufel einnehmen
läßt, so wird er die ganze Versammlung wie in einem Conclave mit
Hunger quälen, und wann sie nicht daran wollen, ein so hohes Werk zu
befördern, so wird er ihnen allen vom Hängen predigen, daß sie eilands
zur Sache schreiten und mit ihren halsstarrigen, falschen Meinungen,
die Welt nicht mehr wie vor Alters foppen.

Nach erlangter Einigkeit wird er ein großes Jubelfest anstellen und
der ganzen Welt diese geläuterte Religion publizieren. Welcher alsdann
darwider glaubet, den wird er mit Schwefel und Pech martyrisieren oder
einen solchen Ketzer mit Buxbaum bestecken und dem Teufel zum neuen
Jahr schenken.

Jetzt weißt du, lieber Ganymed, alles was du zu wissen begehrt hast.«

Ich dachte bei mir selbst, der Kerl dörfte vielleicht kein Narr sein,
wie er sich stellet, sondern mirs kochen, wie ichs zu Hanau gemachet,
um desto besser von uns zu kommen. Derowegen gedachte ich ihn zornig
zu machen, weil man einen Narren am besten im Zorn erkennt, und wollte
ihm vorhalten, wie alle Götter in der weiten Welt vor so verrucht,
leichtfertig und stinkend als Diebe, Kuppler, Ehebrecher, Hanreien,
Wüteriche, Mörder und unverschämte Hurenjäger verschrieen seien, daß
man sie sonst nirgendshin als in des Augias Stall logieren wolle --
da wurde mein Jupiter von einer seltsamen Unruhe ergriffen: Er zog in
Gegenwart meiner und der ganzen Partei ohn einzige Scham seine Hosen
herunter und stöberte die Flöhe daraus, welche ihn, wie man an seiner
sprenklichten Haut wohl sahe, schröcklich tribulieret hatten.

»Schert euch fort, ihr kleinen Schinder,« sagte er, »ich schwöre euch
beim Styx, das ihr in Ewigkeit nicht erhalten sollt, was ihr so
sorgfältig sollicitiert!«

Ich fragte ihn, was er meine. Er antwortete, daß das Geschlecht der
Flöhe, als sie vernommen, er sei auf Erden, ihre Gesandten zu ihm
geschickt hätten, ihn zu komplimentieren. Sie hätten ihm darneben
vorgebracht, daß sie aus ihrem Territorio, da man ihnen die
Hundshäute zu bewohnen zugesichert, durch die Weiber vertrieben worden
seien, gestalt manche ihr Schoßhündchen mit Bürsten, Kämmen, Seifen,
Laugen und anderen mörderischen Dingen durchstreift hätten, so daß sie
ihr Vaterland quittieren und andere Wohnungen hätten aufsuchen müssen.
So sie aber den Weibern in die Pelze gerieten, würden solche verirrte,
arme Tropfen übel tractieret, gefangen und nicht allein ermordet,
sondern auch zuvor zwischen den Fingern elendiglich gemartert und
zerrieben, daß es einen Stein erbarmen möchte.

»Ja,« sagte Jupiter ferner, »sie brachten mir die Sache so beweglich
vor, daß ich Mitleiden mit ihnen haben mußte und also ihnen Hilfe
zusagte, jedoch mit dem Vorbehalt, daß ich die Weiber zuvor auch
hören möchte. Sie aber wandten vor, wann den Weibern erlaubet würde,
Widerpart zu halten, so wüßten sie wohl, daß sie mit ihren giftigen
Hundszungen entweder meine Frömmigkeit und Güte betäuben und die Flöhe
überschreien oder aber durch ihre lieblichen Worte und Schönheit mich
betören und zu einem falschen Urteil verleiten würden, mit fernerer
Bitte, ich wolle sie ihrer untertänigsten Treue genießen lassen,
welche sie auch allezeit erzeiget, indem sie doch jeweils am nächsten
dabei gewesen und am besten gewußt hätten, was zwischen mir und der
Io, Callisto, Europa, Semele und andern mehr vorgangen, hätten aber
niemals nichts aus der Schule geschwätzt, noch meiner Ehefrau ein
einzigs Wort gesaget, maßen sie sich einer solchen Verschwiegenheit
beflissen, wie dann kein Mensch bis dato von ihnen etwas dergleichen
erfahren hätte. Wann ich aber je zulassen wollte, daß die Weiber sie
in ihrem Bann jagen, fangen und nach Weidmannsrecht metzeln dörften,
so wäre ihre Bitte, zu gebieten, daß sie hinfort mit einem heroischen
Tod hingerichtet und entweder mit einer Axt wie Ochsen niedergeschlagen
oder wie ein Wildpret gefället würden, aber nicht mehr so schimpflich
zwischen den Fingern zerquetscht und geradbrecht werden sollten, was
allen ehrlichen Mannsbildern eine Schande wäre. Sonach erlaubte ich
ihnen, bei mir einzukehren, damit ich ein Urteil darnach fassen könne,
ob sie die Weiber allzuhützig tribulierten. Da fing das Lumpengesind
an mich zu geheien, daß ich sie habe, wie ihr sehet, wieder abschaffen
müssen.«

Wir dorften nicht rechtschaffen lachen, weil wir stillhalten mußten
und weils der Phantast nicht gern hatte, wovon Spring-ins-Feld hätte
zerbersten mögen. Da zeigte unsere Hochwacht an, daß er in der Ferne
etwas kommen sähe. Ich stieg hinauf und gewahrte die Fuhrleute, denen
wir aufpaßten. Sie hatten dreißig Reuter zur Convoi bei sich, dahero
ich mir die Rechnung leicht machen konnte, daß sie nicht durch den
Wald, sondern übers freie Feld kommen würden, wiewohl es daselbst einen
bösen Weg hatte.

Von unsrer Lägerstatt ging feldwärts eine Wasserrunze in einer Klämme
hinunter. Deren Ausgang besatzte ich mit zwenzig Mann, nahm auch selbst
meinen Stand bei ihnen, ließ aber Spring-ins-Feld zurück. Ich befahl
meinen Burschen, wann der Convoi hinkomme, daß jeder seinen Mann
gewiß nehmen sollte, und sagte auch jedem, wer Feuer geben und wer
seinen Schuß im Rohr zum Vorrat zu behalten habe. Etliche verwunderten
sich, ob ich wohl vermeine, daß die Reuter an einen Ort kommen
werden, wo sie nichts zu tun hätten und dahin wohl hundert Jahr kein
Baur gekommen sei. Aber ich brauchte keine Teufelskunst, sondern nur
Spring-ins-Feld, dann als der Convoi, welcher ziemlich Ordnung hielt,
recte gegen uns über vorbeipassieren wollte, fing Spring-ins-Feld so
schröcklich an zu brüllen wie ein Ochs und zu wiehern wie ein Pferd,
daß der ganze Wald widerhallte. Der Convoi hörets, gedachte Beute zu
machen und etwas zu erschnappen, sie ritten sämtlich so geschwind und
unordentlich in unsern Halt, als wann ein jeder der erste hätte sein
wollen, die beste Schlappe zu holen. Gleich im ersten Willkommen wurden
dreizehn Sättel geleeret und sonst noch etliche aus ihnen gequetscht.
Hierauf schrie Spring-ins-Feld: »Jäger hierher!« -- davon die Kerl
noch mehr erschröckt und irre wurden. Ich bekam sie alle siebzehn und
spannte vierundzwenzig Pferde aus. Doch hatten sich die Fuhrleute zu
Pferd aus dem Staub gemacht. Wir packten auf, dorften uns aber nicht
viel Zeit nehmen, die Wägen recht zu durchsuchen.

Mein Jupiter lief aus dem Wald und schrie uns nach, bis ich ihn hinten
aufsetzen ließ, dann er nicht besser reuten konnte als eine Nuß.

Also brachte ich meine Beute und Gefangenen den andern Morgen glücklich
nach Soest und bekam mehr Ehre und Ruhm von dieser Partei, als zuvor
nimmer. Jeder sagete: »Dies gibt wieder einen Johann de Werdt!« welches
mich trefflich kützelte.

Das vierte Kapitel

Meines Jupiter konnte ich nicht los werden, dann der Kommandant
begehrete ihn nicht, weil nichts an ihm zu rupfen war, sondern sagte,
er wollte ihn mir schenken. Also bekam ich einen eigenen Narren und
dorfte mir keinen kaufen. Kurz zuvor tribuliereten mich die Läuse, und
jetzt hatte ich den Gott der Flöhe in meiner Gewalt. Es war noch kein
Jahr vergangen, da mir die Buben nachliefen, und jetzt vernarreten
sich die Mägdlein aus Liebe gegen mich. Vor einem halben Jahr dienete
ich einem schlechten Dragoner, jetzt nannten mich zween Knechte ihren
Herrn. O wunderliche Welt, darinnen nichts Beständigeres ist als die
Unbeständigkeit!

Damals zog der Graf von der Wahl als Obrister-Gubernator des
westfälischen Kreises aus allen Guarnisonen einige Völker zusammen,
eine Cavalcade durchs Stift Münster zu tun, vornehmlich aber zwo
Kompagnien hessischer Reuter im Stift Paderborn auszuheben, die
den Unsrigen daselbsten viel Dampfs antäten. Ich ward unter unsern
Dragonern mitkommandiert. Und als sie einzige Truppen zum Ham
gesammlet, gingen wir schnell vor und berannten gemeldter Reuter
Quartier, ein schlecht verwahrtes Städtlein, ehe die Unsrigen kamen.
Sie unterstunden durchzugehen, wir aber jagten sie wieder zurück in ihr
Nest. Es ward ihnen angeboten, ohne Pferd und Gewehr, jedoch mit dem
was der Gürtel beschließe zu passieren, sie aber wollten sich nicht
darzu verstehen, sondern sich mit ihren Karabinern wie Musketierer
wehren. Also kam es, daß ich noch dieselbe Nacht probieren mußte,
was ich vor Glück im Stürmen hätte. Wir leerten die Gassen bald,
weil niedergemacht ward, was sich im Gewehr befand, und weil sich die
Bürger nicht hatten wehren wollen. Also ging es mit uns in die Häuser.
Spring-ins-Feld sagte: »Wir müssen ein Haus vornehmen, vor welchem ein
großer Haufen Mist liegt, dann darin sitzen reiche Kauzen.«

Darauf griffen wir ein solches an, Spring-ins-Feld visitierte den
Stall, ich aber das Haus mit Abrede, daß jeder mit dem andern parten
sollte. Also zündete jeder seinen Wachsstock an. Ich rief nach dem
Hausvater, kriegte aber keine Antwort, geriet indessen in eine Kammer
und fand dort nichts, als ein leer Bett und eine beschlossene Truhe.
Die hämmerte ich auf in der Hoffnung, etwas Kostbares zu finden. Aber
da ich den Deckel auftät, richtete sich ein kohlschwarzes Ding gegen
mich auf, welches ich vor den Lucifer selbst ansahe.

Ich kann schwören, daß ich mein Lebtag nie so erschrocken bin, als eben
damals, da ich diesen schwarzen Teufel so unversehens erblickte. »Daß
dich der Donner schlag,« rief ich gleichwohl in solchem Schröcken und
zuckte mein Äxtlein, hatte doch das Herz nicht, ihms in den Kopf zu
hauen.

»Min leve Heer, ick bidde ju doer Gott, schinkt mi min Levend!«

Da hörete ich erst, daß es kein Teufel war, befahl ihm aus der Truhe
zu steigen und er stand vor mir in seiner Schwärze, nackend wie ihn
Gott geschaffen hatte, ein Mohr. Ich schnitt ein Stück von meinem
Wachsstock, gabs ihm zu leuchten und er führete mich in ein Stüblein,
da ich den Hausvater fand, der samt seinem Gesind dies lustige
Spektakul ansahe und mit Zittern um Gnade bat. Er händigte mir eines
Rittmeisters Bagage, darunter ein ziemlich wohlgespickt, verschlossen
Felleisen war, ein, mit Bericht, daß der Rittmeister und seine Leute
bis auf gegenwärtigen Mohren sich zu wehren auf ihre Posten gegangen
wären. Inzwischen hatte Spring-ins-Feld sechs schöne gesattelte Pferde
im Stall erwischt.

Als hernach die Tore geöffnet, die Posten besetzt und unser
General-Feldzeugmeister Herr Graf von der Wahl eingelassen ward, nahm
er sein Logiment in ebendemselben Hause, darum mußten wir bei finsterer
Nacht ein ander Quartier suchen. Wir fanden eines und brachten den
Rest der Nacht mit Fressen und Saufen zu. Ich bekam vor mein Teil
den Mohren, die zwei besten Pferde, darunter ein spanisches war, auf
welchen ein Soldat sich gegen sein Gegenteil dorfte sehen lassen, mit
den ich nachgehends nicht wenig prangte. Aus dem Felleisen aber kriegte
ich unterschiedliche köstliche Ringe und in einer göldenen Kapsel
mit Rubinen besetzt des Prinzen von Uranien Conterfait, kam also mit
Pferden und allem über zwei hundert Dukaten. Vor den Mohren, der mich
am aller saursten ankommen war, ward mir von General-Feldzeugmeister,
als welchem ich ihn präsentierte, nicht mehr als zwei Dutzend Taler
verehret.

Als wir demnach Recklinghausen zu kamen, nahm ich Erlaubnis, mit
Spring-ins-Feld meinem Pfaffen zuzusprechen, mit dem ich mich lustig
macht, da ich ihm erzählete, daß mir der Mohr den Schröcken, den er und
seine Köchin neulich empfunden, wieder eingetränkt hätte. Ich verehrete
ihm auch eine schöne schlagende Halsuhr zum freundlichen Valete.

Meine Hoffart vermehrete sich mit meinem Glück, daraus endlich nichts
andres als mein Fall erfolgen konnte.

Ungefähr eine halbe Stunde von Rehnen kampierten wir und erhielten
Erlaubnus, in demselben Städtlein etwas an unserm Gewehr flicken zu
lassen. Unser Meinung war, sich einmal rechtschaffen miteinander
lustig zu machen. Also kehreten wir im besten Wirtshaus ein und ließen
Spielleute kommen, die uns Wein und Bier hinuntergeigen mußten. Da ging
es in floribus her und blieb nichts unterwegen, was nur dem Geld wehe
tun möchte. Ich stellete mich nicht anders als wie ein junger Prinz,
der Land und Leute vermag und alle Jahre ein groß Geld zu verzehren
hat. Dahero ward uns besser als einer Gesellschaft Reuter aufgewartet,
die gleichfalls dort zehrete. Das verdroß sie und fingen an mit uns zu
kipplen.

»Woher kommts, daß diese Stieglhupfer ihre Heller so weisen?« Dann sie
hielten uns vor Musketierer, maßen kein Tier in der Welt ist, das einem
Musketierer ähnlicher siehet, als ein Dragoner, und wann ein Dragoner
vom Pferd fällt, so stehet ein Musketierer wieder auf.

Ein anderer Reuter meinete: »Jener Jüngling ist gewiß ein Strohjunker,
dem seine Mutter etliche Milchpfennige geschicket, die er jetzo
spendiert, damit ihm künftig irgendswo seine Kameraden aus dem Dreck
oder etwan durch den Graben tragen sollen.«

Solches ward mir durch die Kellerin hinterbracht. Weil ichs aber nicht
selbst gehört, konnte ich anders nichts darzu tun, als daß ich ein
groß Bierglas mit Wein einschenken und solches auf Gesundheit aller
rechtschaffenen Musketierer herumgehen, auch jedesmal solchen Alarm
darzu machen ließ, daß keiner sein eigen Wort hören konnte. Das verdroß
sie noch mehr, derowegen sagten sie offentlich:

»Was Teufels haben doch die Stiegelhüpfer vor ein Leben!«

Spring-ins-Feld antwortete: »Was gehts die Stiefelschmierer an?« -- Das
ging ihm hin, dann er sahe so gräßlich drein und machte so grausame und
bedrohliche Mienen, daß sich keiner an ihm reiben dorfte.

Doch stieß es ihnen wieder auf, und zwar einem ansehnlichen Kerl, der
sagte: »Wann sich die Maurenhofierer auf ihrem Mist (er vermeinte, wir
lägen in Guarnison stille) nicht so breit machen dörften, wo wollten
sie sich sonst sehen lassen? Man weiß ja wohl, daß jeder in offener
Feldschlacht unser Raub sein muß.«

Ich antwortete: »Wir nehmen Städt und Festungen ein und verwahren sie,
dahingegen ihr Reuter auch vor dem geringsten Rattennest keinen Hund
aus dem Ofen locken könnet. Warum sollten wir uns dann in den Städten
nicht dörfen lustig machen?«

Der Reuter gab dawider: »Wer Meister im Felde ist, dem folgen die
Festungen. Daß wir aber die Feldschlachten gewinnen müssen, folget aus
dem, daß ich so drei Kinder, wie du eins bist, mitsamt ihren Musketen
nicht allein nicht förchte, sondern ein Paar davon auf dem Hut stecken
und den dritten erst fragen wollte, wo seiner noch mehr wären. Und säße
ich bei dir, so wollte ich dem Junker zur Bestätigung ein paar Tachteln
geben.«

Ich antwortete: »Ich vermein ein Paar so guter Pistolen zu haben als
du, wiewohl ich kein Reuter, sondern nur ein Zwitter zwischen ihnen
und den Musketierern bin. Schau, so hab ich Kind ein Herz, mit meiner
Musketen allein einen solchen Prahler zu Pferd, wie du einer bist,
gegen all sein Gewehr im freien Feld zu Fuß zu begegnen.«

»Ach, du Kujon,« rief der andere, »ich halte dich vor einen Schelmen,
wann du nicht wie ein redlicher von Adel alsbald deinen Worten eine
Kraft gibst.«

Hierauf warf ich ihm einen Handschuh zu.

Wir zahleten den Wirt und der Reuter machte Karabiner und Pistolen,
ich aber meine Muskete fertig, und da er mit seinen Kameraden vor uns
an den bestimmten Ort ritt, sagte er zu Spring-ins-Feld, er solle
mir allgemach das Grab bestellen. Ich lachte hingegen, weil ich mich
vorlängst besonnen hatte, wie ich einem wohlmontierten Reuter begegnen
müßte, wann ich einmal zu Fuß mit meiner Musketen allein im weiten
Felde stünde.

Da wir nun an den Ort kamen, wo der Betteltanz angehen sollte, hatte
ich meine Musketen bereits mit zweien Kugeln geladen, frisch Zündkraut
aufgerührt und den Deckel auf der Zündpfanne mit Unschlitt verschmiert,
wie vorsichtige Musketierer zu tun pflegen, wann sie Zündloch und
Pulver auf der Pfanne vor Regenwetter verwahren wollen.

Eh wir nun aufeinander gingen, bedingten beiderseits die Kameraden, daß
wir uns im freien Felde angreifen und zu solchem End der eine von Ost,
der andre von West in ein umzäuntes Feld eintreten sollten, dann möge
jeder sein Bestes gegen den andern tun. Keiner von den Parteien sollte
sich unterstehen, seinem Kameraden zu helfen, noch dessen Tod oder
Beschädigung zu rächen.

So gaben ich und mein Gegner einander die Hände und verziehen je einer
dem andern seinen Tod, unter welcher allerunsinnigsten Torheit, die je
ein vernünftiger Mensch begehen kann, ein jeder hoffte seiner Gattung
Soldaten das Prae zu erhalten, gleichsam als ob des einen oder
andern Teil Ehre und Reputation an dem Ausgang unseres trefflichen
Beginnens gelegen gewesen wäre.

Ich trat mit doppelt brennender Lunte in angeregtes Feld, stellte mich,
als ob ich das alte Zündkraut im Gang abschütte, ich täts aber nicht,
sondern rührete nur Zündpulver auf den Deckel meiner Pfannen, bließ ab
und paßte mit zween Fingern auf der Pfanne auf, wie bräuchlich ist. Eh
ich noch meinem Gegenteil, der mich wohl im Gesicht hielt, das Weiße
in Augen sehen konnte, schlug ich auf ihn an und brannte mein falsch
Zündkraut auf dem Deckel vergeblich hinweg. Mein Gegner vermeinte,
die Muskete hätte mir versagt, und das Zündloch wäre mir verstopft,
sprengte dahero mit einer Pistole in der Hand gar zu gierig recte
auf mich dar. Aber eh er sichs versah, hatte ich die Pfanne offen und
wieder angeschlagen, hieß ihn auch dergestalt willkommen, daß Knall und
Fall eins war.

Ich retirierte mich hierauf zu meinen Kameraden, die mich gleichsam
küssend empfingen. Die seinigen entledigten ihn aus den Steigbügeln und
täten gegen ihn und uns wie redliche Kerle, maßen sie mir auch meinen
Handschuh mit großem Lob wiederschickten.

Aber da ich meine Ehre am größten zu sein schätzte, kamen
fünfundzwenzig Musketierer aus Rehnen, welche mich und meine Kameraden
gefangen nahmen. Ich zwar ward alsbald in Ketten und Banden geschlossen
und der Generalität überschickt, weil alle Duell bei Leib- und
Lebensstrafe verboten waren.

Das fünfte Kapitel

Demnach unser General-Feldzeugmeister strenge Kriegsdisziplin zu halten
pflegte, besorgte ich, meinen Kopf zu verlieren. Meine Hoffnung stund
auf dem großen Ruf und Namen meiner Tapferkeit, so ich in blühender
Jugend durch Wohlverhalten erworben, doch war ich ungewiß, weil
dergleichen tägliche Händel erforderten ein Exemplum zu statuieren.

Die Unsrigen hatten damals ein festes Rattennest berannt, waren aber
abgeschlagen, da der Feind wußte, daß wir kein grob Geschütz führten.
Derowegen ruckte unser Graf von der Wahl mit dem ganzen Corpo vor
besagten Ort, begehrete durch einen Trompeter abermal die Übergabe,
drohete zu stürmen. Es erfolgte aber nichts als ein Schreiben:

»Hochwohlgeborener Graf etc. wissen dero hohen Vernunft nach, wie
übelanständig, ja unverantwortlich es einem Soldaten fallen würde, wenn
er einen so festen Ort dem Gegenteil ohn sonderbare Not einhändigte.
Weswegen Eure Hochgräfliche Exzellenz mir dann hoffentlich nicht
verdenken werden, wann ich mich befleißige zu verharren, bis die Waffen
Eurer Exzellenz dem Orte zugesprochen. Kann aber meine Wenigkeit dero
außerhalb Herrendiensten in ichtwas zu gehorsamen die Gelegenheit
haben, so werde ich sein Eurer Exzellenz allerdienstwilligster Diener

                                                        N. N.«

Den Ort liegen zu lassen war nicht ratsam, zu stürmen ohn eine Presse
hätte viel Blut gekostet und wäre doch noch mißlich gestanden, ob
mans übermeistert hätte. Die Stücke und alles Zugehör von Münster
und Ham herzuholen, da wäre viel Mühe, Zeit und Unkosten darauf
geloffen. Indem man bei Groß und Klein ratschlagte, fiel mir ein, ich
sollte mir diese Occasion zu Nutz machen, um mich zu erledigen. Ich
ließ meinen Obrist-Leutenant wissen, daß ich Anschläge hätte, durch
welche der Ort ohne Mühe und Unkosten zu bekommen wäre, wann ich nur
Pardon erlangen und wieder auf freien Fuß gestellt werden könnte. Da
lachten etliche: wer hangt, der langt! Andere, die mich kannten, auch
der Obrist-Leutenant selbst glaubten mir, weswegen er sich in eigener
Person an den General-Feldzeugmeister wandte. Der hatte hiebevor auch
vom Jäger gehöret, ließ mich holen und solange meiner Bande entledigen.
Als er mich fragte, was mein Anbringen wäre, antwortete ich:

»Gnädiger Herr etc., obzwar mein Verbrechen und Eurer Exzellenz
rechtmäßig Gebot und Verbot mir beide das Leben absprechen, so
heißet mich doch meine alleruntertänigste Treue, die ich dero
römischen kaiserlichen Majestät meinem allergnädigsten Herrn bis in
den Tod zu leisten schuldig bin, dem Feind einen Abbruch zu tun und
erstallerhöchst gedachter römischer kaiserlicher Majestät Nutzen und
Kriegswaffen zu befördern ...«

Der Graf fiel mir in meine allerschönste Rede: »Hast du mir nicht
neulich den Mohren gebracht?«

»Ja, gnädiger Herr.«

»Wohl, dein Fleiß und Treue möchten vielleicht meritieren, dir das
Leben zu schenken. Was hast du aber vor einen Anschlag?«

»Weil der Ort vor grobem Geschütz nicht bestehen kann, so hält meine
Wenigkeit davor, der Feind werde bald accordieren, wann er nur
eigentlich glaubte, daß wir Stücke bei uns haben.«

»Das hätte mir wohl ein Narr gesagt,« fiel der Graf ein. »Wer wird sie
aber überreden, solches zu gläuben?«

»Ihre eigenen Augen. Ich habe ihre hohe Wacht mit meinem Perspektiv
gesehen. Die kann man betrügen, wann man nur etliche Holzblöcke, den
Brunnenrohren gleich, auf Wägen ladet, dieselben mit großem Gespann in
das Feld führet und hiebevor ein Stückfundament aufwerfen lässet.«

»Mein liebes Bürschchen, es seind keine Kinder darin. Die werden die
Stück auch hören wollen, und wann der Posse dann nicht angeht, so
werden wir von aller Welt verspottet.«

»Gnädiger Herr, ich will schon Stücke in ihre Ohren lassen klingen,
wann ich nur ein paar Doppelhacken und ein ziemlich groß Faß haben
kann. Sollte man aber wider Verhoffen nur Spott daraus erlangen, so
werde ich, der Erfinder, denselben mit meinem Leben aufheben.«

Obzwar nun der Graf nicht dran wollte, so persuadierte ihn jedoch mein
Obrist-Leutenant dahin, daß er sagte, ich sei in dergleichen Sachen
glückselig. Der Graf willigte endlich ein und meinte im Scherz zu ihm,
die Ehre so er damit erwürbe, sollte ihm allein zustehen.

Also wurden drei Blöcke zuwegen gebracht und vor jeden vierundzwenzig
Pferde gespannt, die führeten wir gegen Abend dem Feind ins Gesicht,
dreien Doppelhacken gab ich zweifache Ladung, die ließ ich durch
ein Stückfaß losgehen, gleich ob es drei Losungsschüsse hätten sein
sollen. Das donnerte dermaßen, daß jedermann Stein und Bein geschworen
hätte, es wären Quartierschlangen oder halbe Kartaunen. Unser
General-Feldzeugmeister mußte der Gugelfuhre lachen und ließ dem Feind
abermals einen Accord anbieten mit Anhang, wann sie sich nicht noch
diesen Abend bequemen würden, daß es ihnen morgen nicht mehr so gut
werden sollte.

Darauf wurden alsbald beiderseits Geißeln geschickt, der Accord
geschlossen und uns noch dieselbige Nacht ein Tor der Stadt eingegeben.
-- Das kam mir trefflich gut, dann der Graf schenkte mir nicht allein
das Leben und ließ mich noch selbige Nacht auf freien Fuß stellen,
sondern er befahl dem Obrist-Leutenant in meiner Gegenwart, daß er
mir das erste Fähnlein, so ledig würde, geben sollte. Das kam dem
Obrist-Leutenant ungelegen, dann er hatte der Vettern und Schwäger so
viel.

Ich fing an mich etwas reputierlicher zu halten als zuvor, weil ich
so stattliche Hoffnungen hatte, und gesellete mich allgemach zu den
Offizierern und jungen Edelleuten, die eben auf dasjenige spanneten,
was ich in Bälde zu kriegen mir einbildete. Sie waren deswegen meine
ärgsten Feinde und stelleten sich doch als meine besten Freunde gegen
mich. So war mir der Obrist-Leutenant nicht gar grün, weil er mich
vor seinen Verwandten hätte befördern sollen. Mein Hauptmann war mir
abhold, dann ich mich an Pferden, Kleidern und Gewehr viel prächtiger
hielt als er. Also hassete mich auch mein Leutenant wegen eines
einzigen Wortes halber, das ich neulich unbedachtsam hatte laufen
lassen. Wir waren miteinander in der letzten Cavalcada kommandiert,
eine gleichsam verlorene Wacht zu halten. Als nun die Schildwacht an
mir war, kroch der Leutenant auch auf dem Bauch zu mir und sagete:
»Schildwacht, merkst du was?« Ich antwortete: »Ja, Herr Leutenant.« --
»Was da! Was da!« sagte er. -- »Ich merke, daß sich der Herr förchtet.«
Von dieser Zeit an hatte ich keine Gunst mehr bei ihm, und wo es am
ungeheuersten war, ward ich zum ersten hinkommandiert. Nicht weniger
feindeten mich die Feldwaibel an, weil ich ihnen allen vorgezogen ward.
Was aber gemeine Knechte waren, die fingen auch an in ihrer Liebe und
Freundschaft zu wanken, weil es das Ansehen hatte, als ob ich sie
verachte, indem ich mich nicht sonderlich mehr zu ihnen, sondern zu den
großen Hansen gesellete. Ich lebte eben dahin wie ein Blinder in aller
Sicherheit und ward je länger, je hoffärtiger.

Ich scheuete mich nicht einen Koller von sechzig Reichstalern, rote
scharlachene Hosen und weiße atlassene Ärmel, überall mit Gold
und Silber verbrämt, zu tragen, welche Tracht damals den höchsten
Offizierern anstund. Ich war ein schröcklich junger Narr, daß ich den
Hasen so laufen ließ, dann hätte ich mich anders gehalten und das
Geld, das ich so unnützlich an den Leib hing, an gehörige Ort und Ende
verschmieret, so hätte ich nicht allein das Fähnlein bald bekommen,
sondern mir auch nicht so viel zu Feinden gemacht.

Nichts vexierte mich mehr, als daß ich mich nicht als Edelmann wußte,
damit ich meinen Knecht und Jungen auch in meine Livrei hätte kleiden
können. Und ich gedachte, alle Dinge hätten ihren Anfang -- wann du ein
Wappen hast, so hast du schon ein eigne Livrei, und wann du Fähnrich
wirst, so mußt du ja ein Petschier haben, wannschon du kein Junker
bist. Ich ließ mir also durch einen Comitem Palatinum ein Wappen
geben. Das waren drei rote Larven in einem weißen Feld und auf dem
Helm das Brustbild eines jungen Narren in kälbernem Habit mit ein Paar
Eselsohren, vorn mit Schellen gezieret. Und dünket mich wahrlich schon
jetzt keine Sau zu sein. So mich jemand damit hätte foppen wollen, so
wären ihm ohn Zweifel Degen und ein Paar Pistolen präsentieret worden.

Wiewohl ich damals noch nichts nach dem Weibervolk fragte, so ging
ich doch gleichwohl mit denen von Adel, wann sie irgends Jungfern
besuchten, mich sehen zu lassen und mit meinen schönen Haaren,
Kleidern und Federbüschen zu prangen. Ich muß gestehen, daß ich andern
vorgezogen wurde, aber auch, daß verwöhnte Schleppsäcke mich einem
wohlgeschnitzten hölzernen Bild verglichen, an welchem außer der
Schönheit sonst weder Kraft noch Saft wäre. Ich sagte, so man mich der
holzböckischen Art und Ungeschicklichkeit halber anstach, daß mirs
genug sei, wann ich noch zur Zeit meine Freude an einem blanken Degen
und einer guten Muskete hätte. Die Frauenzimmer billigten auch solche
Reden, da keiner war, der das Herz hatte, mich heraus zu fordern oder
Ursach zu ein Paar Ohrfeigen oder sonst ziemlich empfindlichen Worten
zu geben, zu denen ich mich bereit zeigte.

Das sechste Kapitel

Wann ich so durch die Gassen daherprangete und mein Pferd unter mir
tanzte, da sagte das alberne Volk wohl: »Sehet, das ist der Jäger! Min
God, wat vor en prave Kerl is nu dat!« Ich spitzte die Ohren gewaltig
und ließ mirs gar sanft tun. Aber ich Narr hörete meine Mißgönner
nicht, die mir ohn Zweifel wünschten, daß ich Hals und Bein bräche.
Verständige Leute hielten mich gewißlich vor einen jungen Lappen,
dessen Hoffart notwendig nicht lang dauern würde.

Meine Gewohnheit war, herum zu terminieren und alle Wege und Stege,
alle Gräben, Moräste, Büsche und Wasser zu bereiten, um vor eine
künftige Occasion des Orts Gelegenheit so offensive als defensive
zu Nutz machen zu können. Einst ritt ich unweit der Stadt bei einem
alten Gemäuer vorüber, darauf vor Zeiten ein Haus gestanden. Ich drang
mit meinem Pferd in den Hof ein, zu sehen, ob man sich auch auf den
Notfall zu Pferd darin salvieren könne. Als ich nun bei dem Keller,
dessen Gemäuer noch rund umher aufrecht stund, vorüberreiten wollte,
war mein Pferd, das sonst im geringsten nichts scheute, weder mit Liebe
noch Leid dahin zu bringen. Ich stieg ab und führete es an der Hand
die verfallene Kellersteigen hinunter, wovor es doch scheuete, damit
ich mich ein andermal darnach richten könnte. Mit guten Worten und
Streichen brachte ich es endlich so weit, indem ward ich gewahr, daß
es vor Angst schwitzte und die Augen stets nach der Ecke des Kellers
richtete, dahin es am allerwenigsten wollte, ob ich auch gleich nichts
gewahrete. Ich stund mit Verwunderung, und wie mein Pferd je länger,
desto ärger zitterte, da kam mich ein solches Grausen an, als ob man
mich bei den Haaren aufzöge und einen Kübel voll kalt Wasser über mich
abgösse. Mein Pferd stellete sich immer seltsamer, doch konnte ich
nichts sehen, also daß ich mir nichts anders einbilden konnte, als ich
müßte vielleicht mitsamt dem Pferd verzaubert sein. Derowegen wollte
ich wieder zurück, aber mein Pferd folgte mir nicht. Dahero ward ich
noch ängstlicher und so verwirrt, daß ich schier nicht wußte, was ich
tät. Zuletzt nahm ich meine Pistole auf den Arm und band mein Pferd an
eine Holderstockwurzel, der Meinung, aus dem Keller zu gehen und Leute
zu suchen, die meinem Pferde heraushülfen. Indem fällt mir ein, ob
nicht in dem Gemäuer vielleicht ein Schatz läge, dahero es so ungeheuer
sein möchte. Ich sehe mich um, sonderlich nach der Ecke, dahin mein
Pferd nicht wollte, und ward eines Stückes im Gemäuer gewahr, so groß
als ein gemeiner Kammerladen, welches in Farbe und Arbeit dem andern
Gemäuer nicht allerdings glich. Ich wollte hinzugehen, da sträubten
sich alle meine Haare gen Berg und das bestärket mich in der Meinung,
daß ein Schatz verborgen sein müsse.

Hundertmal lieber hätte ich Kugel gewechselt, als mich in solcher Angst
befunden. Ich ward gequält und wußte doch nicht recht von wem, dann ich
sahe oder hörte nichts. Ich wollte durchbrennen, vermochte aber die
Stiegen nicht hinauf zu kommen, weil mich eine starke Luft aufhielt. Da
lief mir die Katze wohl den Buckel hinauf! Zuletzt fiel mir ein, ich
sollte meine Pistole lösen, damit mir die Bauren im Feld zuliefen. Ich
war so erzörnt oder viel mehr desperat, da ich sonst kein Mittel noch
Hoffnung sahe, aus diesen ungeheuern Wunderort zu kommen, daß ich mich
gegen den Ort kehrete, wo ich die Ursache meiner seltsamen Begegnus
vermeinete, und traf obgemeldtes Gemäuerstück mit zweien Kugeln so
hart, daß es ein Loch gab, zwo Fäuste groß.

Als der Schuß geschehen, wieherte mein Pferd und spitzte die Ohren,
was mich herzlich erquickte. Ich faßte einen frischen Mut und ging ohn
Forcht zu dem Loch, da brach die Maur vollends ein. Ich fand einen
reichen Schatz an Silber, Gold und Edelsteinen. Es waren aber sechs
Dutzend altfränkische silberne Tischbecher, ein großer göldner Pokal,
etliche Duplet, eine altfränkische göldene Kette, unterschiedliche
Diamanten, Rubine, Saphire und Smaragde, alles in Ringe und Kleinodien
gefasset, item ein ganz Lädlein voll großer Perlen, aber alle
verdorben und abgestanden, dann ein verschimmelter lederener Sack mit
achtzig von den ältesten Joachimsthalern aus feinem Silber, sodann 893
Goldstücke mit dem französischen Wappen und einem Adler. Dieses Geld,
die Ringe und Kleinodien steckte ich in meine Hosensäcke, Stiefeln,
Hosen und Pistolenhalftern und, weil ich keinen Sack bei mir hatte,
schnitt ich meine Schabracke vom Sattel und füllete sie zwischen Zeug
und Futter mit Silber- und Goldbechern, hing die gölden Kette um den
Hals, saß fröhlich zu Pferd und wandte mich meinem Quartier zu. Wie
ich aber aus dem Hof kam, rissen zween Bauren vor mir eilends aus, ich
ereilete sie leichtlich, weil ich sechs Füße und ein eben Feld hatte
und rief sie an. Da erzählten sie mir, daß sie vermeinet hätten, ich
wäre das Gespenst, das in gegenwärtigem, ödem Edelhof wohne und Leute,
die zu nahe kämen, elendiglich zu traktieren pflege. Aus Furcht vor
dem Ungeheuer käme oft in vielen Jahren kein Mensch an diesen Ort.
Die gemeine Sage ginge im Land, es wäre ein eiserner Trog voller
Geldes darin, den ein schwarzer Hund hüte zusamt einer verfluchten
Jungfer. Sollte aber ein fremder Edelmann, der weder seinen Vater noch
seine Mutter kenne, ins Land kommen, so werde er die Jungfer erlösen,
den eisernen Trog mit einem feurigen Schlüssel aufschließen und das
verborgene Geld davonbringen. Derlei alberne Fabeln erzählten sie
mir noch viel. Ich fragte, was sie dann beide da gewollt hätten. Sie
sagten, sie hätten einen Schuß samt einem lauten Schrei gehöret, da
seien sie zugeloffen. Sie wollten viel Dings von mir wissen, und ich
hätte ihnen sattsam Bären aufbinden können, aber ich konnte schweigen
und ritt meines Wegs in mein Quartier. --

Diejenigen, die wissen, was Geld ist, und dahero solches vor ihren
Gott halten, haben dessen nicht geringe Ursach, dann ist jemand in der
Welt, der des Geldes Kräfte und beinahe göttliche Tugenden erfahren
hat, so bin es ich: Ich weiß wie einem zu Mut ist, der einen ziemlichen
Vorrat hat, und wie der gesinnet sei, der keinen einzigen Heller
vermag. Kräftiger als alles Edelgestein ist Geld, dann es vertreibet
die Melancholei wie der Diamant, es machet Lust und Beliebung zu den
Studiis wie der Smaragd, darum werden gemeiniglich mehr reicher als
armer Leute Kinder Studenten; es nimmt hinweg Forchtsamkeit, machet den
Menschen fröhlich und glückselig wie der Rubin; oft ist es dem Schlafe
hinderlich, wie die Granate; hingegen hat es auch eine große Kraft,
die Ruhe und den Schlaf zu befördern, wie der Hyazinth; es stärket das
Herz und machet den Menschen freudig, sittsam, frisch und mild wie
der Saphir und Amethyst; es vertreibet böse Träume, machet fröhlich,
schärfet den Verstand und so man mit jemand zanket, machet es, daß man
sieget wie der Sardonyx, vornehmlich wann man den Richter brav damit
schmieret; es löschet die geile Begierden, weil man schöne Weiber um
Geld kriegen kann. In Kürze, es ist nicht auszusprechen, was das liebe
Geld vermag, wann man es nur richtig brauchen und anzulegen weiß.

Das meinige war seltsamer Natur, es machte mich hoffärtiger, es
hinderte mir den Schlaf, es machte mich zu einem bekümmerten
Rechenmeister, es machte mich geizig.

Einmal kam mirs in Sinn, ich sollte den Krieg quittieren, mich irgends
hinsetzen und mit einem schmutzigen Maul zum Fenster aussehen, dann
gereuete mich aber wieder mein freies Soldatenleben und die Hoffnung,
ein großer Hans zu werden. Oder verwünschete ich wiederum mein
unvollkommen Alter und ich sagte zu mir selber, dann so nähmest du eine
schöne, junge, reiche Frau und kauftest du irgendeinen adeligen Sitz
und führtest ein geruhiges Leben. Allein ich war noch viel zu jung.

Damals hatte ich meinen Jupiter noch bei mir, der redete zu Zeiten sehr
subtil und war etliche Wochen gar klug, hatte mich auch über alle Maßen
lieb. Er warnete mich: »Liebster Sohn, schenkt euer Schindgeld, Gold
und Silber hinweg!«

»Warum, mein lieber Jove?«

»Darum, damit Ihr Euch Freunde dadurch machet und Eurer unnützen Sorgen
los werdet. Lasset die Schabhälse geizig sein. Haltet Euch, wie es
einem jungen, wackeren Kerl zustehet!«

Ich dachte der Sache nach. Zuletzt verehrete ich dem Kommandanten
ein paar silberner und vergöldter Duplet, meinem Hauptmann ein paar
silberner Salzfässer, aber es wurde ihnen das Maul nach dem Übrigen
nur wässeriger, weil es rare Antiquitäten waren. Meinem getreuen
Spring-ins-Feld schenkte ich zwölf Reichstaler. Auch er riet mir, ich
solle meinen Reichtum von mir tun, dann die Offizierer sähen nicht
gern, daß der gemeine Mann mehr Geld hätte als sie. Auch wären etlich
um Geldes halber heimlich ermordet worden. Es ginge um im ganzen Läger,
und jeder mache den gefundenen Schatz größer, als er an sich selbst
sei, er müsse oft hören, was unter den Burschen vor ein Gemürmel gehe.
Er ließe Krieg Krieg sein, und setzte sich irgendwo in Sicherheit.

Ich sagte zu ihm: »Höre, Bruder, wie kann ich die Hoffnung auf mein
Fähnlein so leicht in den Wind schlagen!«

»Hol mich dieser und jener, wann du ein Fähnlein bekommst. So die
andern sehen, daß ein Fähnlein ledig, möchten sie tausendmal eh dir den
Hals brechen helfen. Lerne mich nur keine Karpfen kennen, mein Vater
war ein Fischer!«

Ich erwog diese und meines Jupiters Reden und bedachte, daß ich keinen
einzigen angeborenen Freund hätte, der sich meiner in Nöten annehmen,
oder meinen Tod rächen würde. -- Indem sich nun eben eine Gelegenheit
präsentierte, daß ich mit hundert Dragonern, etlichen Kaufleuten und
Güterwägen von Münster nach Köln convoieren mußte, packte ich meinen
Schatz zusammen und übergab ihn einen von den vornehmsten Kaufleuten zu
Köln gegen spezifizierte Handschrift aufzuheben. Meinen Jupiter brachte
ich auch dahin, weil er in Köln ansehnliche Verwandte hatte, gegen die
er meine Guttaten rühmete, daß sie mir viel Ehre erwiesen.

Das siebente Kapitel

Auf dem Zurückweg machte ich mir allerhand Gedanken, wie ich mich
ins Künftige halten wollte, damit ich doch jedermanns Gunst erlangen
möchte, dann Spring-ins-Feld hatte mir einen Floh ins Ohr gesetzt
und mich zu glauben persuadieret, als ob mich jedermann neide. Ich
verwunderte mich, daß alle Welt so falsch sei, mir lauter gute
Wort gebe und mich doch nicht liebe. Derowegen gedachte ich mich
anzustellen wie die andern und zu reden, was jedem gefiele, auch jedem
mit Ehrerbietung zu begegnen, obschon es mir nicht ums Herz wäre.
Vornehmlich aber merkte ich klar, daß meine eigene Hoffart mich mit
den meisten Feinden beladen hatte, deswegen wollte ich mich fürder
demütig stellen, obschon ichs nicht sei, mit den gemeinen Kerlen wieder
unten und oben liegen, vor den Höheren aber den Hut in Händen tragen,
mich der Kleiderpracht enthalten, bis ich etwan meinen Stand änderte.
Ich hatte mir von meinem Kaufmann in Köln hundert Taler geben lassen,
dieselben gedachte ich unterwegs dem Convoi halb zu verspendieren.
Solcher Gestalt war ich entschlossen, mich zu ändern und auf diesem Weg
schon den Anfang zu machen. Ich machte aber die Zeche ohn dem Wirt.

Da wir durch das bergische Land passieren wollten, lauerten uns an
einem sehr vortelhaften Ort 80 Feuerröhrer und 50 Reuter auf, eben als
ich selbfünft mit einem Korporal geschickt ward voran zu reuten. Der
Feind hielt sich still, als wir in seinen Halt kamen, ließ uns auch
passieren, damit der Convoi nicht gewarnet würde, bis er auch in
die Enge käme. Da wir den Hinterhalt merkten und umkehrten, gingen
sie beiderseits los und fragten, ob wir Quartier wollten. Ich hatte
mein bestes Roß unter mir, schwang mich herum auf eine kleine Ebene,
zu sehen, ob da Ehre einzulegen sei, indessen hörete ich stracks an
der Salve, welche die Unsrigen empfingen, was die Glocke geschlagen,
trachtete derowegen nach der Flucht, aber ein Kornet hatte uns den Paß
abgeschnitten. Indem ich mich durchhauen wollte, bot er mir, weil er
mich vor einen Offizier ansahe, nochmals Quartier an, und ich besann
mich, das Leben davon zu bringen.

Also präsentierte ich ihm den Degen. Er fragte mich, was ich vor einer
sei, er sehe mich vor einen Edelmann und Offizier an. Da ich ihm
antwortete, ich werde der Jäger von Soest genannt, sagte er: »Da hat Er
gut Glück, daß Er uns nicht vor vier Wochen in die Hände geraten, dann
zur selben Zeit hätte ich Ihm kein Quartier halten können, dieweil man
Ihn bei uns vor einen offentlichen Zauberer gehalten hat.«

Dieser Kornet war ein tapferer, junger Kavalier, es freuete ihn
trefflich, daß er die Ehre hatte, den berühmten Jäger gefangen zu
haben, deswegen hielt er mir das versprochene Quartier sehr ehrlich
und auf holländisch, deren Brauch ist, den gefangenen Feinden von dem,
was der Gürtel beschleußt, nichts zu nehmen. Da es an ein Parten ging,
sagete ich ihm heimlich, er sollte sehen, daß ihm mein Pferd, Sattel
und Zeug zuteil würde, dann im Sattel dreißig Dukaten seien und das
Pferd ohndas seinesgleichen schwerlich hätte. Davon ward mir der Kornet
so hold, als ob ich sein leiblicher Bruder wäre, er saß auch gleich auf
mein Pferd und ließ mich auf dem seinigen reuten.

Schweden und Hessen gingen noch am selbigen Abend in ihre
unterschiedlichen Guarnisonen mit ihrer Beute und den Gefangenen.
Mich und den Korporal samt noch dreien Dragonern behielt der Kornet
und führet uns in eine Festung, die nicht gar zwei Meilen von unserer
Guarnison lag. Und weil ich hiebevor demselben Ort viel Dampfs angetan,
war mein Name daselbst wohl bekannt, ich selber aber mehr geförcht als
geliebt. Der Kornet schickte einen Reuter voran, dem Kommandanten zu
verkünden, wie es abgeloffen und wen er gefangen brächte. Davon gab
es ein Geläuf in der Stadt, das nit auszusagen, weil jeder den Jäger
gern sehen wollte, und war nicht anders anzusehen, als ob ein großer
Potentat seinen Einzug gehalten hätte.

Wir wurden zum Gewaltiger geführt, doch ward es dem Kornet erlaubt, uns
zu gastieren, weil ich hiebevor meinen Gefangenen, darunter sich des
Kornets Bruder befunden, auch solcher Gestalt diskret begegnet war.
Da nun der Abend kam, fanden sich unterschiedlich Offizierer, sowohl
Soldaten von Fortun, als geborenen Kavaliers ein, und ich ward, die
Wahrheit zu bekennen, von ihnen überaus höflich traktiert. Ich machte
mich so lustig, als ob ich nichts verloren gehabt, und ließ mich so
vertreulich und offenherzig vernehmen, als ob ich nicht in Feindeshand,
sondern bei meinen besten Freunden wäre. Dabei beflisse ich mich
der Bescheidenheit, dann ich konnte mir leicht einbilden, daß dem
Kommandanten mein Verhalten notifiziert würde.

Den andern Tag wurden wir Gefangenen von dem Regimentsschulzen
examiniert. Sobald ich in den Saal trat, verwunderte er sich über meine
Jugend und sagte: »Mein Kind, was hat dir der Schwede getan, daß du
wider ihn kriegest?«

Das verdroß mich, antwortete derhalben: »Die schwedischen Krieger
haben mir meine Schnellküglein und mein Steckenpferd genommen, die
wollte ich gern wieder haben.«

Da ich ihn so bezahlete, schämten sich seine beisitzenden Offizierer,
maßen einer auf Latein sagte, er solle von ernstlichen Sachen mit
mir reden, er hätte kein Kind vor sich, und ich merkte dabei, daß
er Eusebius hieße. Darauf fragte er mich nach meinem Namen, und als
ich ihn genannt, sagte er: »Es ist kein Teufel in der Hölle, der
Simplicissimus heißet.«

Ich antwortete, so sei auch vermutlich keiner in der Höllen, der
Eusebius hieße, was aber von den Offizierern nicht am besten
aufgenommen ward, dann sie erinnerten mich, daß ich ihr Gefangener sei
und nicht scherzenshalber wäre hergeholet worden.

Ich ward dieses Verweises wegen darum nicht rot, bat auch nicht um
Verzeihung, sondern gab zurück, weil sie mich vor einen Soldaten
gefangen hielten und nicht vor ein Kind wieder laufen lassen würden, so
hätte ich mich nicht versehen, als ein Kind gefoppt zu werden. Wie man
mich gefraget, so hätte ich geantwortet.

Darauf ward ich um mein Vaterland, Herkommen, Geburt examiniert,
vornehmlich aber ob ich auf schwedischer Seite gedienet hätte, item
wie es in Soest beschaffen. Ich antwortete auf alles behend, wegen
Soest und selbiger Guarnison aber soviel, als ich zu verantworten
getrauet.

Indessen erfuhr man zu Soest, wie es mit dem Convoi abgeloffen,
derhalben kam gleich am andern Tag ein Trommelschläger, uns abzuholen.
Dem wurden der Korporal und die andern drei ausgefolgt und ein
Schreiben mitgegeben, das mir der Kommandant zu lesen überschickte.

»Monsieur etc. Auf Ihr Schreiben schicke ich gegen empfangene Ranzion
den Korporal samt den übrigen drei Gefangenen. Was aber Simplicium,
den Jäger, anbelanget, kann selbiger, weil er hiebevor auf dieser
Seite gedienet, nicht hinübergelassen werden. -- Kann ich aber dem
Herren im übrigen außerhalb Herrenpflichten in etwas bedienet sein, so
hat derselbe in mir einen willigen Diener, als der ich soweit bin und
verbleibe dem Herren dienstwilliger

                                              ~N. de S. A.~«

Dieses Schreiben gefiel mir nicht halb und ich mußte mich doch für die
Mitteilung bedanken. Ich begehrete mit dem Kommandanten zu reden, bekam
aber zur Antwort, daß er schon selbst nach mir schicken würde.

Das geschahe und mir widerfuhr das erste Mal die Ehre, an seiner
Tafel zu sitzen. Solang man aß, ließ er mir mit dem Trunk zusprechen,
gedachte aber weder klein noch groß von demjenigen, was er mit mir
vorhatte. Demnach man abgegessen und nur ein ziemlicher Dummel
aufgehängt war, sagte er: »Lieber Jäger, Ihr habet aus meinem Schreiben
verstanden, unter was vor ein Prätext ich Euch hier behalte. Ich
habe nichts vor, das wider Raison oder Kriegsbrauch wäre. Ihr
habet selbst gestanden, daß Ihr hiebevor auf unserer Seite bei der
Hauptarmee gedienet, werdet Euch derhalben resolvieren müssen, unter
meinem Regiment Dienst zu nehmen. So will ich Euch mit der Zeit
dergestalt accommodieren, dergleichen Ihr bei der kaiserlichen Armee
nimmer hättet hoffen dörfen. Widrigen Falls ich Euch wieder demjenigen
Obrist-Leutenant überschicke, welchen Euch die kaiserlichen Dragoner
abgefangen haben.«

Ich antwortete: »Hochgeehrter Herr Obrister (dann damals war noch
nicht Brauch, daß man Soldaten von Fortun »Ihr Gnaden« titulierte) ich
hoffe, weil ich weder der Krone Schweden noch deren Konföderierten,
viel weniger dem Obrist-Leutenant niemalen mit Eid verpflichtet,
sondern nur ein Pferdejung gewesen, daß dannenhero ich nicht verbunden
sei, schwedische Dienste anzunehmen und dadurch den Eid zu brechen, den
ich dem römischen Kaiser geschworen, derowegen ich hochgeboren Herrn
Obristen allergehorsamst bitte, er beliebe mich dieser Zumutung zu
überheben.«

»Was, verachtet Ihr dann schwedische Dienste? Eh' ich Euch wieder nach
Soest lasse, dem Gegenteil zu dienen, eh' will ich Euch einen andern
Proceß weisen oder im Gefängnus verderben lassen.«

Ich erschrak zwar über diese Worte, gab mich aber doch nicht, sondern
antwortete: Gott wolle mich vor solcher Verachtung sowohl als vor dem
Meineid behüten. Im übrigen stünde ich in untertäniger Hoffnung, der
Herr Obrist würde mich seiner weitgerühmten Discretion nach, wie
einen Soldaten traktieren.

»Ja,« sagte er, »ich wüßte wohl, wie ich Euch traktieren könnte. Aber
bedenkt Euch besser.«

Darauf ward ich wieder ins Stockhaus geführet und jedermann kann
unschwer erachten, daß ich dieselbige Nacht nicht viel geschlafen.

Den Morgen aber kamen etliche Offizierer mit dem Kornet unter Schein,
mir die Zeit zu kürzen, in Wahrheit aber mir weis zu machen, als ob
der Obrist gesinnet wäre, mir als einem Zauberer den Proceß machen
zu lassen, sofern ich mich nicht anders bequemen würde. Wollten mich
also erschröcken und sehen, was hinter mir stecke, weil ich mich aber
meines guten Gewissens getröstete, nahm ich alles gar kaltsinnig an
und redete nicht viel. Ich merkte wohl, daß es dem Obristen um nichts
andres zu tun war, als daß er mich ungern in Soest sahe. Er konnte sich
leicht einbilden, daß ich den Ort wohl nicht verlassen würde, weil ich
meine Beförderung dort erhoffte, zwei schöne Pferde und sonst köstliche
Sachen allda hatte.

Den folgenden Tag ließ er mich wieder zu sich kommen, und fragte, ob
ich mich auf ein und anders resolviert hätte.

Ich antwortete: »Dies Herr Obrister, ist mein Entschluß, daß ich eh'
sterben, als meineidig werden will. Wann aber mein hochgeboren Herr
Obrister mich auf freien Fuß zu stellen und mit keinen Kriegsdiensten
zu belegen belieben wird, so will ich dem Herrn Obristen mit Herz, Mund
und Hand versprechen, in sechs Monaten keine Waffen wider Schwed- und
Hessische zu tragen.«

Solches ließ er sich stracks gefallen, bot mir die Hand und schenkte
mir zugleich die Ranzion, befahl auch dem Secretär, daß er einen
Revers in duplo aufsetze, den wir beide unterschrieben. Ich
reversierte neben obigem Punkte, nichts Nachteiliges wider die
Guarnison und ihren Kommandanten praktizieren noch etwas zu Nachteil
und Schaden zu unternehmen, sondern deren Nutzen und Frommen zu fördern
und dieselbe defendieren zu helfen.

Hierauf behielt er mich wieder bei dem Mittagsimbiß und tät mir mehr
Ehre an, als ich von den Kaiserlichen mein Lebtag hätte hoffen dörfen.

Das achte Kapitel

Ich hatte in Soest einen Knecht, der war mir über alle Maßen getreu,
weil ich ihm viel Gutes tät. Dahero sattelte er meine Pferde und ritt
dem Trommelschlager, der mich abholen sollte, ein gut Stück Weges
von Soest entgegen. Er begegnete ihm mit den Gefangenen und hatte
mein bestes Kleid aufgepackt, dann er vermeinete, ich wäre ausgezogen
worden. Da er mich aber nicht sahe, sondern vernahm, daß ich bei dem
Gegenteil Dienste anzunehmen aufgehalten werde, gab er den Pferden die
Sporen und sagte: »Adieu Tampour und Ihr, Korporal, wo mein Herr ist,
da will ich auch sein.«

Ging also durch und kam zu mir, eben als mich der Kommandant ledig
gesprochen hatte und mir große Ehre antät. Der priese mich glücklich,
wegen meines Knechtes Treue, verwunderte sich auch, daß ein so junger
Kerl wie ich, so schöne Pferde vermögen und so wohl montiert sein
sollte. Lobte auch das eine Pferd so trefflich, daß ich gleich merkte,
er hätte mirs gerne abgekauft. Weil er es mir aber aus Discretion
nicht feil machte, sagte ich, wann ich die Ehre begehren dörfte, daß
ers von meinetwegen behalten wollte, so stünde es zu seinen Diensten.
Er schlugs aber rund ab, dieweil ich einen ziemlichen Rausch hatte, und
er die Nachrede scheute, daß er einem Trunkenen etwas abgeschwätzt, so
dem vielleicht nüchtern reuen möchte, also daß er des edlen Pferdes
gern gemangelt.

Des Morgens frühe anatomierte ich meinen Sattel und ließ mein bestes
Pferd vor des Obristen Quartier bringen. Ich sagte ihm, er wolle
belieben gegenwärtigen Soldatenklepper einen Platz unter den seinigen
zu gönnen, indem mir mein Pferd allhier nichts nütz, und solches von
mir als Zeichen dankbarer Erkanntnus vor empfangene Gnaden unschwer
annehmen. Der Obrister bedankte sich mit großer Höflichkeit und
sehr courtoisen Offerten, schickte mir auch denselbigen Nachmittag
seinen Hofmeister mit einem gemästeten lebendigen Ochsen, zwei fetten
Schweinen, einer Tonne Wein, vier Tonnen Bier, zwölf Fuder Brennholz,
welches er mir vor mein neu Losament, das mir mein Knecht erkundet und
ich auf ein Halbjahr bestellet hatte, bringen und sagen ließ, weil er
sich leicht einbilden könnte, es sei im Anfang vor mich mit Viktualien
schlecht bestellet, so schicke er mir zur Haussteuer eben einen Trunk,
ein Stück Fleisch mitsamt dem Kochholz. Ich bedankte mich so höflich
als ich konnte, verehrete dem Hofmeister zwo Dukaten und bat ihn, mich
seinem Herrn bestens zu rekommendieren.

Ich gedachte mir aber auch durch meinen Knecht bei dem gemeinen Mann
ein gutes Lob zu machen, damit man mich vor keinen kahlen Bernheuter
hielte. Ließ derowegen in Gegenwart meines Hauswirtes meinen Knecht vor
mich kommen, zu demselben sagte ich:

»Lieber Niklas, du hast mir mehr Treue erwiesen, als ein Herr seinem
Knecht zumuten darf, nun aber, da ich selbst keinen Herren habe, daß
ich etwas erobern könnte, dich zu belohnen, so gedenke ich keinen
Knecht mehr zu halten. Ich gebe dir hiemit vor deinen Lohn das andere
Pferd, samt Sattel-Zeug und Pistolen, mit Bitte, du wollest damit
vorlieb nehmen und dir vor diesmal einen andern Herren suchen. Kann ich
dir ins Künftige in etwas bedienet sein, so magst du jederzeit mich
darum ersuchen.«

Hierauf küßte er mir die Hände und konnte vor Weinen schier nicht
reden, wollte auch durchaus das Pferd nicht haben bis ich ihm
versprochen, ihn wieder in Dienst zu nehmen, sobald ich jemand brauche.

Über diesem Abschied ward mein Hausvater so mitleidig, daß ihm auch die
Augen übergingen. Und gleichwie mich mein Knecht bei der Soldateska, so
erhub mich der Hausvater bei der Bürgerschaft mit großem Lob über alle
schwangere Bauren. Der Kommandant aber hielt mich vor einen resoluten
Kerl, daß er auch getraute Schlösser auf meine Parole zu bauen.

Ich glaube es ist kein Mensch in der Welt, der nicht einen Hasen im
Busen habe, dann wir sind ja alle einerlei Gemächts und ich kann bei
meinen Birnen wohl merken, wann andere zeitig sein. »Hui, Geck,« möcht
mir da einer antworten, »wann du ein Narr bist, meinest du darum
andre seien es auch?« -- »Nein, das sage ich nicht, dann es wäre
zuviel geredt, aber dies halte ich davor, daß einer den Narren besser
verbirgt als der ander.« Es ist einer darum kein Narr, wann schon er
närrische Einfälle hat, dann wir haben in der Jugend gemeiniglich alle
dergleichen. Welcher aber seinen Narren hinausläßt, wird vor einen
gehalten, weil teils etliche ihn gar nicht andere aber nur halb sehen
lassen. Welche den ihren gar unterdrücken sein rechte Saurtöpfe. Ich
halte vor die besten und verständigsten Leute, die den Ihren nach Zeit
und Gelegenheit bisweilen ein wenig mit den Ohren fürragen und Atem
schöpfen lassen, damit er nicht gar bei ihnen ersticke. Den Meinen ließ
ich mir zu weit heraus, da ich mich in einem so freien Stand sahe,
maßen ich einen Jungen annahm, den ich als Edelpagen kleidete, und zwar
in die Farben Veigelbraun und Gelb. Derselbe mußte mir aufwarten, als
wann ich ein Freiherr wäre.

Dies war die erste Torheit, die ich in der Stadt beging, sie ward aber
von niemand getadelt. Die Welt ist der Narreteien so voll, daß sie
keiner mehr achtet, noch selbige verlacht oder sich darüber verwundert;
sie ist deren gewohnt.

Ich dingte mich und meinen Jungen bei meinem Hausvater in die Kost und
gab ihm an Bezahlung auf Abschlag, was mir der Kommandant verehret
hatte. Zum Getränk aber mußte mein Jung den Schlüssel haben, weil ich
denen, die mich besuchten, gern davon mitteilete. Sintemalen ich weder
Bürger noch Soldat war, hielt ich mich zu beiden Teilen und bekam
dahero Kameraden genug, die ich ungetränkt nicht bei mir ließ.

Der Stadtorganist, zu dem ich Kundschaft erhielt, lehrete mich, wie
ich komponieren sollte, item auf dem Instrument besser schlagen, als
auch auf der Harfe; ohn das war ich auf der Lauten ein Meister. Wann
ich dann satt hatte am Musicieren, ließ ich meinen Kürschner kommen,
der mich im Paradeis in allen Gewehren unterwiesen, mit dem exerzierte
ich mich, um noch perfecter zu werden. So erlangete ich auch beim
Kommandanten, daß er mich von einem Constablen die Büchsenmeisterkunst
und etwas mit dem Feuerwerk umzugehen lernte. Im übrigen hielt ich
mich sehr still, also daß sich die Leute verwunderten, weil ich auch
viel über den Büchern saß wie ein Student, da ich doch Raubens und
Blutvergießens gewohnt gewesen.

Mein Hausvater war des Kommandanten Spürhund und mein Hüter, maßen
ich merkte, daß er all mein Tun und Lassen demselben hinterbrachte.
Doch ich gedachte des Kriegswesens kein einziges Mal, und wann man
davon redete, tät ich, als ob ich niemals kein Soldat gewesen. Zwar
wünschte ich, daß meine sechs Monate bald herum wären, es konnte aber
niemand abnehmen, welchem Teil ich alsdann dienen wollte. Sooft ich dem
Obristen aufwartete, behielt er mich bei seiner Tafel, da setzte es
zuweilen solche Diskurse, dadurch mein Vorsatz ausgeholt werden sollte,
ich antwortete aber jederzeit vorsichtig.

»Wie stehet es, Jäger, wollet Ihr noch nicht schwedisch werden? Gestern
ist ein Fähnrich gestorben.«

»Herr Obrister, stehet doch einem Weib wohl an, wann sie nach ihres
Mannes Tod nicht gleich wieder heuratet, warum sollte ich mich dann
nicht sechs Monate gedulden?«

Kriegte gleichwohl des Obristen Gunst je länger, je mehr, so daß er
mich in und außerhalb der Festung herumspatzieren, ja, endlich den
Hasen, Feldhühnern und Vögeln nachstellen ließ. Darum leget ich mir
ein schlicht Jägerkleid bei, in demselben strich ich des Nachts in das
Soestische und holet meine verborgenen Schätze hin und wieder zusammen,
schleppte solche in die Festung und ließ mich an, als ob ich ewig bei
den Schweden wohnen wollte.

Da stieß einmal die Wahrsagerin von Soest zu mir, die mich erkannte.
»Ich versichre dich, es war dein Glück,« sagte sie, »daß du gefangen
worden. Einige Kerle, welche dir den Tod geschworen, weil du ihnen bist
beim Frauenzimmer vorgezogen worden, hätten dich auf der Jagd erwürgt.«

Ich antwortete: »Wie kann jemand mit mir eifern, da ich doch dem
Frauenzimmer nichts nachfrage?«

»Du wirst des Sinnes nicht bleiben, sonst wird dich das Frauenzimmer
mit Spott und Schande zum Lande hinausjagen. Ich schwöre dir, daß sie
dich nur gar zu lieb haben und daß dir solche übermachte Liebe zum
Schaden gereichen wird, wann du dich nicht accommodierst.«

Ich fragte sie, wann sie ja so viel wüßte, so sollte sie mir davon
sagen, wie es mit meinen Eltern stünde und ob ich sie mein Lebtag
wieder zu sehen bekommen würde, sie sollte aber fein deutsch mit der
Sprache heraus.

Darauf sagte sie, ich sollte alsdann nach den Eltern fragen, wann
mir mein Pflegvater unversehens begegnen würde und führete meiner
Säugeammen Tochter am Strick daher. -- Lachte darauf überlaut und
machte sich geschwind von mir.

Ich hatte damals ein schön Stück Geld und viel köstliche Ringe und
Kleinodien beieinander. Solches schriee mich immerzu an, es wollte gar
gern wieder unter die Leute. Ich folgte auch, dann weil ich ziemlich
hoffärtig war, prangte ich mit meinem Gut und ließ solches meinen Wirt
sehen, der bei den Leuten mehr daraus machte, als es war.

Mein Vorsatz, die Büchsenmeisterei und Fechtkunst in diesen sechs
Monaten zu lernen, war gut und ich begriffs auch. Aber es war nicht
genug, mich vor Müßiggang allerdings zu behüten, vornehmlich weil
niemand war, der mir zu gebieten hatte. Ich saß zwar auch emsig über
allerhand Büchern, aus denen ich viel Gutes lernete, es kamen mir aber
auch teils unter die Hände, die mir wie dem Hund das Gras gesegnet
wurden. Die unvergleichliche Arcadia, daraus ich die Wohlredenheit
lernen wollte, war das erste Stück, das mich von den rechten Historien
zu den Liebe-Büchern und von den wahrhaften Geschichten zu den
Heldengedichten zog. Solcherlei Gattung brachte ich zuwege, wo ich
konnte, und wann mir eins zuteil ward, hörete ich nicht auf, bis ichs
durchgelesen und sollte Tag und Nacht darüber gesessen sein. Diese
lerneten mich statt wohlreden mit der Leimstange laufen, doch war
dieser Mangel damals vor mich keine Ursach zu klagen, dann wo meine
Liebe hinfiel, erhielt ich ohn sonderbare Mühe, was ich begehrete,
und ich brauchet nicht wie andere Buhler und Leimstängler voller
phantastischer Gedanken, Begierden, heimlich Leiden, Zorn, Eifer,
Rachgier, Weinen, Protzen und dergleichen tausendfältigen Torheiten
stecken und mir vor Ungeduld den Tod zu wünschen.

Ich hatte Geld und ließ mich dasselbe nicht dauren, überdas eine
gute Stimme, übete mich stetig auf allerhand Instrumenten, wiese die
Geradheit meines Leibes, wann ich mit meinem Kürschner focht. So hatte
ich auch einen trefflich glatten Spiegel und gewöhnte mich zu einer
freundlichen Lieblichkeit, also daß mir das Frauenzimmer von selbst
nachlief.

Um dieselbige Zeit fiel Martini ein, da fängt bei uns Deutschen das
Fressen und Saufen an und währet teils bis in die Fastnacht. Da ward
ich an unterschiedliche Örter, sowohl bei Offizierern als Bürgern, die
Martinsgans verzehren zu helfen, eingeladen. Bei solchen Gelegenheiten
kam ich mit den Frauenzimmern in Kundschaft. Meine Laute und Gesang,
die zwangen eine jede mich anzuschauen, und wann sie mich also
betrachteten, wußte ich zu meinen neuen Buhlenliedern, die ich selber
machte, so anmutige Blicke und Gebärden hervorzubringen, daß sich
manches hübsche Mägdlein darüber vernarrete und mir unversehens hold
ward.

Und damit ich nicht vor einen Hungerleider gehalten wurde, stellete ich
auch zwo Gastereien, die eine zwar vor die Offizierer und die andere
vor die vornehmsten Bürger, an, dadurch ich mir bei beiden Teilen
Gunst und einen Zutritt vermittelte, weil ich kostbar auftragen ließ.
Es war mir aber alles nur um die lieben Jungfern zu tun. Und obgleich
ich bei einer oder der andern nicht fand, was ich suchte, so ging ich
gleichwohl allerweg zu ihnen als zu andern, daß alle glauben sollten,
daß ich mich bei den andern auch nur Diskurs halber aufhielte. Ich
hatte gerade sechs und sie hinwiederum mich, doch hatte keine mein Herz
gar und mich allein.

Mein Jung, der ein Erzschelm war, hatte genug zu tun mit Kupplen und
Buhlenbrieflein hin und wider tragen und wußte reinen Mund zu halten.
Davon bekam er von den Schleppsäcken einen Haufen Favor, so mich aber
am meisten kostete. Was mit Trommeln gewonnen wird, gehet mit Pfeifen
dahin.

Ich hielt meine Sachen so geheim, daß mich kaum einer vor einen Buhler
halten konnte, ausgenommen der Pfarrer, bei dem ich nicht mehr so viel
geistliche Bücher entlehnte.

Das neunte Kapitel

Ich ging oft zum ältesten Pfarrer und brachte ich ihm ein Buch zurück,
so diskutierete er von allerhand Sachen mit mir. Wir accomodierten
uns so miteinander, daß einer den andern gern leiden mochte. Als nun
nicht nur die Martinsgans hin und wider und alle Metzelsuppen sondern
auch die heiligen Weihnachtsfeiertäge vorbei waren, verehrete ich ihm
eine Flaschen voll Straßburger Branntewein zum Neuen Jahr, welchen er
dem westfälischen Gebrauch nach mit Kandelzucker gern einläpperte.
Darauf besuchete ich ihn und er machte mich zu ihm sitzen, lobte
den Branntewein und kam nach einigem Hin und Wider auf obgemeldten
Umstand, nämlich daß ich in geistlichen Dingen merklich nachlasse. Ich
entschuldiget mich mit der edlen Musik und der Büchsenmeistereikunst.
Er aber antwortete: »Ja, ja, das glaube ich gern. Aber Er versichere
sich, daß ich mehr von Ihm weiß, als Er sich einbildet.«

Ich erschrak, da ich diese Worte hörete, und dachte, hat dir's St.
Velten gesagt. Und weil er sahe, daß ich meine Farbe änderte, fuhr er
ferner fort: »Der Herr ist frisch und jung, Er ist müßig und schön, Er
lebet ohn Sorge und wie ich vernehme, in allem Überfluß, darum bitte
und vermahne ich Ihn im Herrn, daß Er bedenken wolle, in was vor einem
gefährlichen Stand Er sich befindet. Er hüte sich vor dem Tier, das
Zöpfe hat, will Er anders Sein Glück und Heil beobachten. Der Herr
möchte zwar bedenken, was geht's dem Pfaffen an -- (ich gedachte,
du hast es erraten) -- oder was hat er mir zu befehlen! Herr, seid
versichert, daß mir Euere, als meines Guttäters, zeitliche Wohlfahrt
aus christlicher Liebe hoch angelegen ist. Ihr habet Talente, leget
doch Euere Jugend und Euere Mittel, die Ihr hier unnütz verschwendet,
zu ernsten Studien an, damit Ihr heut oder morgen beides: Gott und den
Menschen und Euch selbst bedient sein könnet. Lasset das Kriegswesen,
eh Ihr eine Schlappe davontraget, dann: Junge Soldaten, alte Bettler.«

Ich hörete die Sentenz mit großer Ungeduld, jedoch stellete ich mich
viel anders, als mir ums Herz war, damit ich mein Lob, daß ich ein
feiner Mensch wäre, nicht verliere, bedankte mich zumal auch sehr vor
seine erwiesene Treuherzigkeit und versprach, mich auf sein Einraten
zu bedenken. Allein ich war des Zaumes und der Sporen der Tugenden
entwohnet und wollte nunmehr gekostete Liebe-Wollüste nicht mehr
entbehren.

Jedoch so gar ersoffen in den Leidenschaften und so dumm war ich
nicht, daß ich nicht gedacht hätte, jedermanns Freundschaft zu
behalten, solange ich in der Festung zu bleiben willens war. Ich
erkannte auch wohl, was es einem vor Unrat bringen konnte, wann er der
Geistlichen Haß hätte, als welche Leute einen großen Kredit haben.
Derowegen nahm ich meinen Kopf zwischen die Ohren und trat gleich den
andern Tag wieder auf frischem Fuß zu obgedachten Pfarrer und log
ihm mit gelehrten Worten einen solchen Haufen daher, was gestalten
ich mich resolvieret hätte, ihm zu folgen, daß er sich sichtbarlich
darüber freuete. Mir hätte seithero auch schon in Soest ein solcher
englischer Ratgeber gemangelt, wann nur der Winter bald vorüber, daß
ich fortreisen könnte. Bat ihn darneben, er wollte mir doch ferner mit
gutem Rat beförderlich sein, auf welche Universität ich mich begeben
sollte. Er antwortete, was ihn anbelange, so hätte er in Leyden
studieret, mir aber wollte er nach Genf geraten haben, weil ich ein
Hochdeutscher wäre.

»Jesus Maria,« rief ich, »Genf ist weiter von meiner Heimat als Leyden!«

»Was vernehme ich,« sagte er hierauf mit großer Bestürzung, »ich
höre wohl, der Herr ist ein Papist! O mein Gott, wie finde ich mich
betrogen!«

»Wieso, wieso, Herr Pfarrer? Weil ich nicht nach Genf will?«

»O nein, weil Er Mariam anrufet!«

»Sollte es einem Christen nicht gebühren, die Mutter seines Erlösers zu
nennen?«

»Das wohl, aber ich vermahne und bitte Ihn so hoch als ich kann,
Er wolle Gott die Ehre geben und mir gestehen, welcher Religion Er
beigetan sei, dann ich zweifle sehr, daß Er dem Evangelio glaube.«

»Der Herr Pfarrer höret ja wohl, daß ich ein Christ bin. Im übrigen
gestehe ich, daß ich weder petrisch noch paulisch, sondern allein
simpliciter glaube, was die zwölf Artikul des allgemeinen, heiligen,
christlichen Glaubens in sich halten. Ich werde mich auch zu keinem
Teil vollkommen verpflichten, bis mich einer durch genugsame Erweisung
persuadieret zu glauben, daß er vor den andern die rechte, wahre und
allein seligmachende Religion habe.«

»Jetzt glaube ich erst recht, daß Er ein kühnes Soldatenherz habe, sein
Leben dran zu wagen, weil Er gleichsam ohn Religion und Gottesdienst
auf den alten Kaiser hinein dahinleben und frevelhaftig seine Seligkeit
in die Schanze schlagen darf. Mein Gott, wie kann ein sterblicher
Mensch immermehr so keck sein!«

»Herr Pfarrer, es sagen alle von ihrer Religion, daß sie die rechte
sei und deren Fundamente sowohl in Natur als in der heiligen Schrift
sonnenklar am Tage liegen. Welchem soll ich aber glauben? Vermeinet
der Herr, es sei so ein Gerings, wann ich einem Teil, den die andern
alle lästern und einer falschen Lehre bezüchtigen, meiner Seelen
Seligkeit anvertraue? Er sehe doch mit unparteiischen Augen, was
Konrad Vetter und Johannes Nas wider Lutherum, und hingegen Luther
und die Seinigen wider den Papst, sonderlich aber Spangenberg wider
Franciscum, der etliche hundert Jahr vor einen heiligen und
gottseligen Mann gegolten, in offenem Druck ausgehen lassen. Zu welchem
Teil soll ich mich dann tun, wann je eins das ander ausschreiet, als
sei kein gut Haar an ihm? Sollte mir wohl jemand raten, hineinzuplumpen
wie eine Fliege in den heißen Brei? O nein, das wird der Herr Pfarrer
verhoffentlicht mit gutem Gewissen nicht tun können! Ich will lieber
gar von der Straßen bleiben, als nur irr laufen. Zudem sein noch mehr
Religionen, dann die in Europa, als die Armenier, Abessinier, Griechen,
Gregorianer und dergleichen. Was ich vor eine davon annehme, so muß ich
mit meinen Religionsgenossen den andern allen widersprechen.«

Darauf sagte er: »Der Herr steckt in großem Irrtum, aber ich hoffe zu
Gott, er werde Ihm aus dem Schlamm helfen, zu welchem Ende ich Ihm dann
unsere Confession ins Künftige dergestalt aus der heiligen Schrift
bewähren will, daß sie auch wider die Pforten der Hölle bestehen
sollte.«

Ich antwortete, dessen würde ich mit großem Verlangen gewärtig sein,
gedachte aber bei mir selber, wann du mir nur nichts mehr von meinen
Liebgen vorhältst, so bin ich mit deinem Glauben wohl zufrieden, und
bis du mit deinen Beweistümern fertig bist, so bin ich vielleicht, wo
der Pfeffer wächst.

Das zehent Kapitel

Gegen meinem Quartier über wohnete ein reformierter Obrist-Leutenant,
der hatte eine überaus schöne Tochter, die sich ganz adelig trug. Ich
hätte längst gern Kundschaft mit ihr gemachet, unangesehen, daß ich
sie anfänglich allein zu lieben und auf ewig zu haben begehrete. Ich
schenkte ihr manchen Gang und noch viel mehr liebreicher Blicke. Sie
ward mir aber so fleißig verhütet, daß ich kein einzig Mal mit ihr
reden konnte. So unverschämt dorfte ich auch nicht hineinplatzen, weil
ich mit ihren Eltern keine Kundschaft hatte und mir der Ort vor einen
Kerl von so geringem Herkommen, als mir das meinige bewußt war, viel
zu hoch vorkam. Am allernächsten gelangte ich zu ihr, wann wir etwan
in oder aus der Kirche gingen. Da nahm ich dann die Zeit so fleißig in
Acht, mich ihr zu nähern, daß ich oft ein paar Seufzer anbrachte, was
ich meisterlich konnte, obzwar sie alle aus falschem Herzen gingen.
Hingegen nahm sie solche so kaltsinnig an, daß ich mir einbilden mußte,
sie werde sich nicht so leicht wie eine Bürgerstochter verführen
lassen. Indem wurden meine Begierden nach ihr nur desto heftiger.

Der Stern, den die Schüler zu Hl. Dreikönig umtragen, ist es gewesen,
der mir in ihre Wohnung geleuchtet, da ihr Vater selbst nach mir
schickte.

»Monsieur,« sagte er zu mir, »seine Neutralität zwischen Bürgern und
Soldaten ist eine Ursache, daß ich Ihn habe zu mir bitten lassen. Ich
will zwischen beiden Teilen eine Sache ins Werk richten, die eines
unparteiischen Zeugen bedarf.«

Ich vermeinete, er hätte was Wundergroßes im Sinn, weil Schreibzeug und
Papier auf dem Tisch lag, bot ihm derowegen mit sondern Komplimenten
meine bereitwilligsten Dienste an, daß ich mirs nämlich vor eine große
Ehre halten würde, wann ich so glücklich sei, ihm beliebige Dienste zu
leisten. Es war aber nichts andres als ein Dreikönigsfest zu machen.
Dabei sollte ich zusehen, daß es recht zuginge, wie die Ämter ohn
Ansehung der Personen durch das Los ausgeteilet würden. Zu diesem
Geschäft, bei welchem des Obristen Secretarius auch war, ließ der
Obrist-Leutenant Wein und Konfekt bringen, weil er ein trefflicher
Zechbruder und es ohn das nach dem Nachtessen war. Der Secretarius
schrieb, ich las die Namen und die Jungfer zog die Zettel, ihre Eltern
aber sahen zu. Sie beklagten sich über die langen Winternächte und
gaben mir zu verstehen, daß ich, solche desto leichter zu passieren,
wohl zu ihnen zu Licht kommen dörfte.

So fing ich wieder auf ein Neues an mit der Leimstangen zu laufen und
am Narrenseil zu ziehen, also, daß sich beide: die Jungfrau und ihre
Eltern einbilden mußten, ich hätte den Angel geschluckt, wiewohl mirs
nicht halber Ernst war. Ich stellete Buhlenbrieflein an meine Liebste,
eben als ob ich hundert Meilwegs von ihr gewohnet hätte oder in viel
Jahren erst zu ihr könne. Zuletzt machte ich mich gar zutätig, weil
mir meine Löffelei nicht sonderlich von den Eltern gewehret, sondern
zugemutet ward, ich sollte ihre Tochter auf der Laute lernen schlagen.
Da hatte ich nun meinen freien Zutritt bei Tag sowohl als wie hiebevor
des Abends, also daß ich meinen gewöhnlichen Reimen:

Ich und meine Fledermaus
Fliegen nur bei Nachtzeit aus

änderte und ein frommes Liedlein machte, darin ich mein Glück lobte,
weil es mir auf so manchen guten Abend auch so freudereiche Tage
verliehe, in denen ich in meiner Liebsten Gegenwart meine Augen weiden
und mein Herz um etwas erquicken könnte, hingegen beklagte ich meine
Nächte. Ich sang es meiner Liebsten mit andächtigem Seufzen und einer
lustreizenden Melodei, dabei die Laute das Ihre trefflich tät und
gleichsam die Jungfer mit mir bat, sie wollte doch cooperieren, daß
mir die Nächte so glücklich als die Täge bekommen möchten. Aber ich
bekam ziemlich abschlägige Antwort, dann sie war trefflich klug und
konnte mich auf meine Erfindungen gar höflich beschlagen. Ich nahm
mich gleichwohl in Acht, von der Verehelichung zu schweigen, und wenn
schon discursweis davon geredet ward, stellete ich alle meine Worte auf
Schrauben. Welches meiner Jungfrau verheiratete Schwester bald merkte
und dahero mir und meinem Mägdlein alle Pässe verlegte, dann sie sahe
wohl, daß mich ihre Schwester von Herzen liebete und daß die Sache in
die Länge kein Guttun würde.

Es ist unnötig alle Torheiten meiner Löffelei umständlich zu erzählen.
Genug, zuletzt kam es dahin, daß ich erstlich mein liebes Dingelgen zu
küssen und endlich auch andre Narrenpossen zu tun mich erkühnen dorfte.
Und solchen erwünschten Fortgang verfolgte ich mit allerhand Reizungen,
bis ich bei Nacht von meiner Liebsten eingelassen ward und mich so
hübsch zu ihr ins Bette fügte, als wann ich zu ihr gehöret hätte.

Weil jedermann weiß, wie es bei derlei Kirchweih pfleget gemeiniglich
herzugehen, so dörfte sich wohl der Leser einbilden, ich hätte etwas
Ungebührliches begangen. Jawohl nein! Dann alle meine Gedanken waren
umsonst. Ich fand einen solchen Widerstand, dergleichen ich nimmermehr
bei keinem Weibsbild anzutreffen gewähnet hätte, weil ihr Absehen
einzig und allein auf Ehre und Ehestand gerichtet war. Wenngleich ich
ihr solchen mit den allergrausamsten Flüchen versprach, so wollte sie
doch vor der Copulation kurzum nichts geschehen lassen. Doch gönnete
sie mir auf ihrem Bette neben ihr liegen zu bleiben, auf welchem ich
auch ganz ermüdet vor Unmut sanft einschlummerte.

Ich ward aber gar ungestüm aufgeweckt. Dann morgens um vier Uhr stund
der Obrist-Leutenant vorm Bette mit einer Pistole in der einen und
einer Fackel in der andern Hand.

»Krabat,« schrie er überlaut seinem Diener zu, der auch mit einem
bloßen Säbel bei ihm stund, »geschwind, Krabat, hole den Pfaffen!«

Wovon ich dann erwachte.

O weh, gedachte ich, du sollst gewiß zuvor beichten, eh er dir den
Rest gibet! Es ward mir ganz grün und gelb vor den Augen und ich wußte
nicht, ob ich sie recht auftun sollte oder nicht.

»Du leichtfertiger Geselle,« schrie er mich an, »soll ich dich finden,
daß du mein Haus schändest! Tät ich dir unrecht, wenn ich dir und
dieser Vettel den Hals bräche? Ach, du Bestia, wie kann ich mich doch
nur enthalten, daß ich dir nicht das Herz aus dem Leib herausreiße und
den Hunden vorwerfe!«

Dabei biß er die Zähne zusammen und verkehrte die Augen als wie ein
unsinnig Tier.

Ich wußte nicht, was ich sollte, und meine liebe Beischläferin konnte
nichts als weinen. Endlich, da ich mich ein wenig erholete, wollte ich
etwas von unserer Unschuld vorbringen, er aber hieß mich das Maul
halten. Indessen war seine Frau auch darzu gekommen, die fing eine
nagelneue Predigt an, also daß ich wünschte, ich läge irgends in einer
Dornhecke. Sie hätte auch in zweien Stunden nicht aufgehört, wann der
Krabat mit dem Pfarrer nicht gekommen wäre.

Wohl hatte ich, eh dieser ankam, etlichmal aufzustehen unterstanden,
aber der Obrist-Leutenant machte mich unter bedrohlichen Mienen liegen
bleiben, also daß ich erfahren mußte, wie gar keine Courage ein
Kerl hat, der auf einer bösen Tat ertappt wird, und wie einem Dieb
ums Herz wird, den man erwischt, wann er eingebrochen, obgleich er
noch nichts gestohlen hat. Ich gedenke der lieben Zeit, wann mir der
Obrist-Leutenant samt zwei solchen Kroaten aufgestoßen wäre, daß ich
sie alle drei zu jagen unterstanden. Aber jetzt lag ich da wie ein
Bernheuter und hatte nicht das Herz nur das Maul, geschweige die Fäuste
recht auf zu tun.

»Sehet, Herr Pfarrer das schöne Spektakul, zu welchen ich Euch zum
Zeugen meiner Schande berufen muß.«

Und kaum hatte er diese Worte vorgebracht, so fing er wieder an zu
wüten und das Tausendste ins Hundertste zu werfen, daß ich nichts
anderes als vom Halsbrechen und Hände in meinem Blut waschen verstehen
konnte. Er schaumete ums Maul wie ein Eber und stellete sich also, daß
ich alle Augenblicke gedachte, jetzt jagt er dir eine Kugel durch den
Kopf.

Der Pfarrer aber wehrete mit Händen und Füßen, daß kein Totschlag
geschehe, so ihn hernach reuen möchte.

»Was? Herr Obrist-Leutenant, brauchet Euere hohe Vernunft und bedenkt
das Sprüchwort, daß man zu geschehenen Dingen das beste reden soll.
Dies schöne junge Paar, das seinesgleichen schwerlich im Lande hat, ist
nicht das erste und nicht das letzte, so sich von den unüberwindlichen
Kräften der Liebe hat meistern lassen. Dieser Fehler, da es anders ein
Fehler zu nennen, den sie beide begangen, kann auch durch sie wieder
leichtlich gebessert werden. Zwar lobe ichs nicht, sich auf diese Art
zu verehelichen, aber gleichwohl hat dieses junge Paar hiedurch weder
Galgen noch Rad verdient. Es ist auch keine Schande zu erwarten, wann
der Herr Obrist-Leutenant seinen Consens zu beider Verehelichung geben
und diese Ehe durch den gewöhnlichen Kirchgang öffentlich bestätigen
lassen wird.«

»Was! Ich wollte sie ehe morgenden Tags beide zusammen binden und in
der Lippe ertränken lassen! In diesem Augenblick müssen sie copuliert
sein! Deswegen habe ich Euch holen lassen!«

Ich dachte, was willtu tun -- es heißt: Vogel friß oder stirb. Zudem
ist sie eine solche Jungfrau, deren du dich nicht schämen darfst. Doch
schwur ich und bezeugte hoch und teuer, daß wir nichts Unehrliches
miteinander zu schaffen gehabt hätten.

Hierauf wurden wir von gemeldtem Pfarrer im Bette sitzend
zusammengegeben und, nachdem dies geschehen, aufzustehen und
miteinander aus dem Haus zu gehen gemüßiget.

Unter der Tür sagte der Obrist-Leutenant zu mir und seiner Tochter,
wir sollten uns in Ewigkeit vor seinen Augen nicht mehr sehen lassen.
Ich aber, da ich den Degen an meiner Seite hatte, antwortete gleichsam
im Scherz: »Ich weiß nicht, Herr Schwehrvater, warum Er alles so
Widersinns anstellet! Wann andre neue Eheleute copuliert werden, so
führen sie die nächsten Verwandten schlafen. Er aber jaget mich nach
der Copulation nicht allein aus dem Bette, sondern auch aus dem Haus.
Und anstatt des Glücks, das Er mir in Ehestand wünschen sollte, will Er
mich nicht so glückselig wissen, meines Schwehers Angesicht zu sehen
und Ihm zu dienen. Wahrlich, wann dieser Brauch aufkommen sollte,
so würden die Verehelichungen wenig Freundschaft mehr in der Welt
stiften!« --

Die Leute in meinem Losament verwunderten sich alle, da ich diese
Jungfrau mit mir heimbrachte, und noch viel mehr da sie sahen, daß ich
so ungescheut mit ihr schlafen ging. Dann obzwar mir dieser Posse, so
mir widerfahren, grandige Grillen in Kopf brachte, so war ich doch
so närrisch nicht, meine Braut zu verschmähen. So hatte ich zwar die
Liebste im Arm, hingegen aber tausenderlei Gedanken, wie ich meine
Sache heben und legen wollte. Zuweilen vermeinete ich, es wäre mir der
allergrößte Schimpf widerfahren, welchen ich ohn billige Rache mit
Ehren nicht verschmerzen könnte, wann ich aber besann, daß solche Rache
wider meinen Schwehrvater und also auch wider meine unschuldige, fromme
Liebste laufen müßte, fielen alle meine Anschläge dahin. Ich schämete
mich so sehr.

Endlich war mein Schluß, vor allen Dingen meines Schwehrvaters
Freundschaft wieder zu gewinnen und mich im übrigen gegen jedermann an
zu lassen, als ob mir nichts Übles widerfahren sei.

In solchen Gedanken ließ ich mir früh tagen und schickte am allerersten
nach meinem Schwager, hielt ihm kurz vor, wie nahe ich ihm verwandt
worden, und ersuchte ihn, er wolle seine Liebste kommen lassen, um
etwas ausrichten zu helfen, damit ich den Leuten auch bei meiner
Hochzeit zu essen geben könnte, er aber wolle belieben unsere Schwehr
und Schwieger meinetwegen zu begütigen.

Ich verfügte mich zum Kommandanten, dem erzählte ich mit einer
kurzweiligen und artlichen Manier, was ich und mein Schwehrvater vor
eine neue Mode angefangen hätten, Hochzeit zu machen, welche Gattung
so geschwind zugehe, daß ich in einer Stunde die Heiratsabrede,
den Kirchgang und die Hochzeit auf einmal vollzogen. Weil nun mein
Schwehrvater die Morgensuppe gesparet hätte, wäre ich bedacht, anstatt
deren, ehrlichen Leuten von der Specksuppen mit zu teilen, zu der ich
untertänig einlade. Der Kommandant wollte sich meines lustigen Vortrags
schier zu Stücken lachen. Er fragte mich, wie es mit der Heurats-Notul
beschaffen wäre, und wie viel mir mein Schwehrvater Füchse, deren der
alte Schabhals viel hätte, zum Heiratgut gebe. Ich antwortete, daß
unsere Heiratsabrede nur in einem Punkt bestünde, der laute, daß ich
und seine Tochter sich in Ewigkeit vor seinen Augen nicht mehr sollten
sehen lassen, dieweil aber weder Zeugen noch Notarien dabeigewesen,
hoffte ich, es solle wieder revociert werden.

Mit solchen Schwänken, deren man an mir diesorts nicht gewohnt war,
erhielt ich, daß der Kommandant samt meinem Schwehrvater, welchen er
hiezu wohl persuadieren wollte, bei meiner Specksuppe zu erscheinen
versprach. Er schickte auch gleich ein Faß Wein und einen Hirsch in
meine Küchen. Ich aber ließ dergestalt zurichten, als ob ich Fürsten
hätte tractieren wollen, brachte auch eine ansehnliche Gesellschaft
zuwege, die sich nicht allein miteinander recht lustig machten,
sondern auch vor allen Dingen meinen Schwehrvater und die Schwieger
mit mir und meinem Weibe versöhneten, daß sie uns mehr Glückes
wünschten, als sie uns die vorige Nacht fluchten. In der ganzen Stadt
aber ward ausgesprengt, daß unsere Copulation mit Fleiß auf so fremde
Art wäre angestellt worden, damit uns beiden kein Posse von bößen
Leuten widerfahre. Mir war diese Hochzeit trefflich gesund, dann wann
ich gemeinem Brauch nach über der Kanzel hätte abgeworfen werden
sollen, so hätten sich besorglich Schleppsäcke gefunden, die mir ein
verhinderliches Gewirr drein zu machen unterstanden.

Den andern Tag traktierte mein Schwehrvater meine Hochzeitsgäste, aber
bei weitem nicht so wohl als ich. Da ward erst mit mir geredet, was
ich vor eine Hantierung treiben und wie ich die Haushaltung anstellen
wollte, und ich merkte, daß ich meine edle Freiheit verloren hatte.

Ich ließ mich dabei gar gehorsamlich an und begehrte zuvor meines
lieben Schwehrvaters, als eines verständigen Kavaliers, Rat. Das lobte
der Kommandant und sagte: »Dieweil Er ein junger, frischer Soldat ist,
so wäre es eine große Torheit mitten in jetzigen Kriegsläuften ein
anderes, als das Soldatenhandwerk zu treiben. Was mich anbelanget, so
will ich Ihm ein Fähnlein geben, wann Er will.«

Mein Schweher und ich bedankten uns und ich schlugs nicht mehr aus.
Wiese aber doch dem Kommandanten des Kaufmanns Handschrift, der meinen
Schatz zu Köln in Verwahrung hatte. »Dieses«, sagte ich, »muß ich
zuvor holen, ehe ich schwedische Dienste nehme, dann sollte man gewahr
werden, daß ich dem Gegenteil diene, so werden sie mir zu Köln die
Feige weisen und das Meinige behalten.«

Sie gaben mir beide recht, ward also zwischen uns dreien abgeredet,
zugesaget und beschlossen, daß ich in wenig Tagen mich nach Köln
begeben und nachgehends ein Fähnlein annehmen sollte.

Der Kommandant versahe sich auf den künftigen Frühling einer Belägerung
und bewarb sich dahero um gute Soldaten, sintemal der Graf von Götz
damalen mit vielen kaiserlichen Soldaten in Westfalen lag.

Das elfte Kapitel

Es schicket sich ein Ding auf mancherlei Weise. Des einen Unstern kommt
staffelweis und allgemach und einen andern überfällt der seinige mit
Haufen. Mein Unstern aber hatte einen so süßen und angenehmen Anfang,
daß ich mirs wohl vor das höchste Glück rechnete.

Kaum über acht Tage hatte ich mit meinem lieben Weib im Ehstand
zugebracht, da ich in meinem Jägerkleid, mit einem Feuerrohr auf der
Achsel, von ihr und ihren Freunden Abschied nahm. Ich schlich mich
glücklich durch, weil mir alle Wege bekannt waren, also daß mir keine
Gefahr unterwegs aufstieß, ja ich ward von keinem Menschen gesehen, bis
ich nachher bei Dütz, so gegen Köln über, diesseits des Rheins lieget,
vor den Schlagbaum kam.

In Köln kehrete ich bei meinem Jupiter ein, so damals ganz klug war. Er
sagte mir aber gleich, daß ich besorglich leer Stroh dreschen würde,
weil der Kaufmann, dem ich das Meinige aufzuheben gegeben, Bankerott
gespielet und ausgerissen wäre. Zwar seien meine Sachen obrigkeitlich
verpetschiert und der Kaufmann citiert worden, aber man zweifle sehr an
seiner Wiederkunft. Bis nun die Sache erörtert würde, könne viel Wasser
den Rhein hinunterlaufen.

Wie angenehm mir diese Botschaft kam, kann jeder leicht ermessen. Ich
fluchte ärger als ein Fuhrmann, aber was halfs! Auch hatte ich über
zehn Taler Zehrgeld nicht zu mir genommen, daß ich also auch nicht
so lang aushalten konnte, als die Zeit erforderte. So mußte ich auch
besorgen, daß ich verkundschaft' würde, weil ich einer feindlichen
Guarnison zugetan wäre. Unverrichteter Sache wollte ich aber nicht
wieder zurück und das Meinige mutwillig dahinten lassen. So ward ich
mit mir selber ein: Ich wollte mich in Köln aufhalten, bis die Sache
erörtert würde, und die Ursache meines Ausbleibens meiner Liebsten
berichten. Verfügte mich demnach zu einem Procurator, der ein
Notarius war, und erzählete ihm mein Tun, bat ihn, mir um die Gebühr
mit Rat und Tat beizuspringen. Ich wollte ihm neben dem Tax, wann er
meine Sache beschleunigte, mit einer guten Verehrung begegnen. Er
nahm mich gutwillig an, dann er an mir zu fischen hoffte, und dingte
mich auch in die Kost. Darauf ging er des andern Tags mit mir zu
denjenigen Herrn, welche die Bankerott-Sachen zu erörtern haben, gab
die vidimierte Copie von des Kaufmanns Handschrift ein und legte das
Original vor, worauf wir die Antwort bekamen, daß wir uns bis zur
gänzlichen Erörterung gedulden müßten, weil nicht alle Sachen, davon
die Handschrift sage, vorhanden wären.

Also versahe ich mich des Müßiggangs wieder auf eine Zeitlang. Mein
Kostherr war, wie gehört, ein Notarius und Procurator, darneben
hatte er ein halb Dutzend Kostgänger und hielt stets acht Pferde auf
der Streu, welche er den Reisenden um Geld hinzuleihen pflegte, darbei
hatte er einen deutschen und einen wällischen Knecht, die sich beides:
zu Führen und zu Reiten gebrauchen ließen. Und weil keine Juden nach
Köln kommen dörfen, konnte er mir allerlei Sachen desto besser wuchern.

Mein Notarius zehrete von seinen Kostgängern, doch seine Kostgänger
nicht von ihm, er hätte sich und sein Hausgesind reichlich ernähren
können, wanns der Schindhund nur darzu hätte angewendet. Aber er
mästete uns auf schwedisch und hielt gewaltig zurück. Ich aß anfangs
nicht mit seinen Kostgängern, sondern mit seinen Kindern und Gesind,
weil ich nicht viel Geld bei mir hatte. Da satzte es schmale Bißlein,
so meinen Magen, der nunmehr zu den westfälischen Tractamenten gewöhnet
war, ganz spanisch vorkamen. Kein gut Stück Fleisch kriegten wir auf
den Tisch, sondern nur dasjenige, so acht Tage zuvor von der Studenten
Tafel getragen, von denselben überall wohl benagt und nunmehr vor Alter
so grau als Methusalem geworden war. Darüber machte dann die Kostfrau
eine schwarze, sauere Brühe und überteufelts mit Pfeffer. Da wurden
dann die Beiner so sauber geschleckt, daß man alsbald Schachsteine
daraus hätte drehen können. Und doch waren sie dann noch nicht recht
ausgenutzt, sondern sie kamen in einen hiezu verordneten Behalter,
und wann unser Geizhals deren eine Quantität beisammen hatte, mußten
sie erst kleingehackt und das übrige Fett bis auf das alleräußerste
herausgesotten werden. Nicht weiß ich, wurden die Suppen daraus
geschmälzt oder die Schuhe damit geschmieret. An den Fasttägen, deren
mehr als genug einfielen und alle solenniter gehalten wurden, weil
der Hausvater diesfalls gar gewissenhaft war, mußten wir uns mit
stinkenden Bücklingen, versalzenen Polchen, faulen Stock- und andern
abgestandenen Fischen herumbeißen, dann er kaufte alles der Wohlfeile
nach und ließ sich die Mühe nicht dauren, zu solchem Ende selbst auf
den Fischmarkt zu gehen und anzupacken, was die Fischer auszuschmeißen
im Sinne hatten. Unser Brot war gemeiniglich schwarz und alt, der Trank
aber ein dünn, saur Bier, das mir die Därme hätte zerschneiden mögen,
und mußt doch gut abgelegen Märzbier heißen.

Von dem deutschen Knecht vernahm ich, daß es Sommerszeit noch schlimmer
hergehe, dann da sei das Brot schimmlich, das Fleisch voller Würmer
und ihre beste Speise wäre irgends zu Mittags ein paar Rettiche und
auf den Abend eine Handvoll Salat. Ich fragte, warum er dann bei dem
Filz bleibe, da antwortete er mir, daß er die meiste Zeit auf der Reise
sei, und derhalben mehr auf der Reisenden Trinkgelder als auf seinen
Schimmel-Juden bedacht sein müßte. Er getraue seinem Weib und Kindern
nicht im Keller, wie er sich selbsten den Tropfen Wein nicht gönne.

Einsmals brachte er sechs Pfund Sülzen oder Rinderkutteln heim, das
setzte er in seinen Speiskeller. Weil zu seiner Kinder großem Glück das
Tagfenster offen stund, banden sie eine Eßgabel an einen Stecken und
angelten damit die Kuttelflecke heraus, welche sie also bald in großer
Eile verschlangen, dann sie waren gekocht. Darnach gaben sie vor, die
Katze hätte es getan, aber der Erbsenzähler wollte es nicht glauben,
fing derhalben die Katze, wog sie und befand, daß sie mit Haut und Haar
nicht so schwer war, als seine Kutteln gewesen.

Weil er dann so gar unverschämt handelte, begehrte ich an gemeldter
Studenten Tafel zu essen, es koste was es wolle. Dort ging es zwar
etwas herrlicher her, ward mir aber wenig damit geholfen, dann alle
Speisen waren nur halb gar, was meinem Kostherrn zwiefach zu baß kam,
erstlich am Holz, so er gesparet, und daß wir viel zurück ließen. Über
das so dünkte mich, er zählete uns alle Mundvoll in Hals hinein und
kratzte sich hintern Ohren, wann wir einmal recht futterten. Sein Wein
war gewässert, der Käs, den man am Ende jeder Mahlzeit aufstellete,
steinhart, die holländische Butter aber dermaßen versalzen, daß keiner
über ein Lot davon auf einen Imbiß genießen konnte. Das Obst mußte man
wohl so lang auf- und abtragen, bis es mürbe und zum essen tauglich
war. Wann dann etwan ein oder der andere darauf stichelte, so fing
er einen erbärmlichen Hader mit seinem Weibe an, daß wirs höreten,
heimlich aber befahl er ihr, sie solle nur bei der alten Geigen bleiben.

Einsmals brachte ihm einer seiner Klienten einen Hasen zur Verehrung,
den sahe ich in der Speiskammer hangen und gedachte, wir würden einmal
Wildpret essen. Aber der deutsche Knecht sagte, daß der Has uns nicht
an den Zähnen brennen würde, ich sollte Nachmittags auf den Alten Markt
gehen und sehen, ob er nicht dort zum Verkauf hinge. Darauf schnitt ich
dem Hasen ein Stücklein vom Ohr. Als wir über dem Mittagsimbiß saßen,
und unser Kostherr nicht bei uns war, erzählete ich, daß unser Geizhals
einen Hasen zu verkaufen hätte, um den ich ihn zu betrügen gedächte,
wann mir einer von ihnen folgen wollte. Jeder sagte ja, dann sie hätten
unserm Wirt gern vorlängst einen Schabernack angetan.

Also verfügten wir uns den Nachmittag auf den Alten Markt, da unser
Kostherr stund, um aufzupassen, was der Verkäufer lösete. Wir sahen ihn
bei vornehmen Leuten, mit denen er discurierte.

Ich hatte nun einen Kerl angestellt, der ging zu dem Höcker, wo der
Hase hing:

»Landsmann, der Has ist mein. Ich nehme ihn als mein gestohlen Gut auf
Recht hinweg. Er ist mir heut Nacht von meinem Fenster hinweggefischet
worden. Läßt du ihn nicht gutwillig folgen, so gehe ich auf deine
Gefahr und Unrechts Kosten mit dir hin, wo du wilt.«

Der Unterhändler antwortete, er sollte sehen, was er zu tun hätte. Dort
stünde ein vornehmer Herr, der ihm den Hasen zu verkaufen gegeben und
ohn Zweifel nicht gestohlen habe.

Als nun die Zween so wortwechselten, bekamen sie gleich einen Umstand,
so unser Geizhals stracks in Acht nahm und hörete, wieviel die Glocke
schlug. Winkte derohalben dem Unterkäufer, daß er den Hasen folgen
lassen sollte. Mein Kerl aber wußte den Umstehenden das Stück Ohr zu
weisen und an dem Schnitte zu messen, daß ihm jedermann recht gab.

Indessen näherte ich mich auch von ungefähr mit meiner Gesellschaft,
stund an dem Kerl, der den Hasen hatte und fing an mit ihm zu marken,
und nachdem wir des Kaufs eins wurden, stellete ich den Hasen meinem
Kostherrn zu mit Bitte, solchen mit sich heimzunehmen und auf unsern
Tisch zurichten zu lassen, dem Kerl aber gab ich statt der Bezahlung
ein Trinkgeld zu zwo Kannen Bier. Also mußte uns der Geizhals den Hasen
wider Willen zukommen lassen und dorfte noch darzu nichts sagen. Dessen
wir genug zu lachen hatten.

英译本

BOOK III

Chap. i.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT TOO FAR TO THE LEFT HAND

The gentle reader will have understood by the foregoing book how
ambitious I had become in Soest, and that I had sought and found
honour, fame, and favour in deeds which in others had deserved
punishment. And now will I tell how through my folly I let myself be
further led astray, and so lived in constant danger of life and limb;
for I was so busied to gain honour and fame that I could not sleep by
reason of it, and being full of such fancies, and lying awake many a
night to devise new plots and plans, I had many wondrous conceits. In
this wise I contrived a kind of shoes that a man could put on hind part
before, so that the heel came under his toes: and of these at mine own
cost I caused thirty different pairs to be made, and when I had given
these out to my fellows and with them went on a foray, 'twas clean
impossible to follow our tracks: for now would we wear these, and now
again our right shoes on our feet, and the others in our knapsacks. So
that if a man came to a place where I had bidden them change shoes,
'twas for all the world, by the tracks, as if two parties had met
together there and together had vanished away. But if I kept these new
invented shoes on throughout, it seemed as I had gone thither whence in
truth I had come, or had come from the place to which I now went. And
besides this, my tracks were at all times confused, as in a maze, so
that they who should pursue or seek news of me from the footprints
could never come at me. Often I was close by a party of the enemy who
were minded to seek me far away: and still more often miles away from
some thicket which they had surrounded, and were searching in hopes to
find me. And as I managed with my parties on foot, so did I also when
we were on horseback: for to me 'twas simple enough to dismount at
cross-roads and forked ways and there have the horses' shoes set on
hind part before. But the common tricks that soldiers use, being weak
in numbers, to appear from the tracks to be strong, or being strong to
appear weak, these were for me so common and I held them so cheap that
I care not to tell of them. Moreover, I devised an instrument
wherewith if 'twas calm weather I could by night hear a trumpet blow
three hours' march away, could hear a horse neigh or a dog bark at two
hours' distance, and hear men's talk at three miles; which art I kept
secret, and gained thereby great respect, for it seemed to all
incredible. Yet by day was this instrument, which I commonly kept with
a perspective-glass in my breeches pouch, not so useful, even though
'twas in a quiet and lonely place: for with it one could not choose but
hear every sound made by horses and cattle, yea, the smallest bird in
the air and the frog in the water in all the country round, and all
this could be as plainly heard as if one were in the midst of a market
among men and beasts where all do make such noise that for the crying
of one a man cannot understand another. 'Tis true I know well there are
folk who to this day will not believe this: but believe it or not, 'tis
but the truth. With this instrument I can by night know any man that
talks but so loud as his custom is, by his voice, though he be as far
from me as where with a good perspective-glass one could by day know
him by his clothes. Yet can I blame no one if he believe not what I
here write, for none of those would believe me which saw with their own
eyes how I used the said instrument, and would say to them, "I hear
cavalry, for the horses are shod," or "I hear peasants coming, for the
horses are unshod," or "I hear waggoners, but 'tis only peasants; for I
know them by their talk." "Here come musqueteers, and so many, for I
hear the rattling of their bandoliers." "There is a village near by,
for I hear the cocks crow and the dogs bark." "There goes a herd of
cattle; for I hear sheep bleat and cows low and pigs grunt"; and so
forth. Mine own comrades at first would hold this but for vain
boasting, and when they found that all I said proved true in fact, then
all must be witchcraft, and what I said must have been told to me by
the devil and his dam. And so I believe will the gentle reader also
think. Nevertheless by such means did I often escape the adversary when
he had news of me and came to capture me: and I deem that if I had
published this discovery 'twould since have become common, for it would
be of great service in war and notably in sieges. But I return to my
history.

If I was not needed for a foray, I would go a-stealing, and then were
neither horses, cows, pigs, nor sheep safe from me that I could find
for miles round: for I had a contrivance to put boots or shoes on the
horses and cattle till I came to a frequented road, where none could
trace them: and then I would shoe the horses hind part before, or if
'twas cows and oxen I put shoes on them which to that end I had caused
to be made, and so brought them to a safe place. And the big fat
swine-gentry, which by reason of laziness care not to travel by night,
these I devised a masterly trick to bring away, however much they might
grunt and refuse. For I made a savoury brew with meal and water and
soaked a sponge in it: this I fastened to a strong cord, and let them
for whom I angled swallow that sponge full of the broth, but kept the
cord in my hand, whereupon without further parley they went contentedly
with me and paid their score with hams and sausages. And all I brought
home I faithfully shared both with the officers and my comrades: and so
I got leave to fare forth again, and when my thefts were spied upon and
betrayed, they helped me finely through. For the rest, I deemed myself
far too good to steal from poor men, or rob hen-roosts and filch such
small deer. And with all this I began by little and little to lead an
epicurish life in regard of eating and drinking: for now I had forgot
my hermit's teaching and had none to guide my youth or to whom I might
look up: for my officers shared with me and caroused with me, and they
that should have warned and chastised me rather enticed me to all
vices. By this means I became so godless and wicked that no villainy
was too great for me to compass. But at last I was secretly envied,
specially by my comrades, as having a luckier hand at thieving than any
other, and also by my officers because I cut such a figure, was lucky
in forays, and made for myself a greater name and reputation than they
themselves had. In a word, I am well assured one party or the other
would have sacrificed me had I not spent so much.

Chap. ii.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN OF SOEST DID RID HIMSELF OF THE HUNTSMAN
OF WESEL

Now as I was living in this fashion, and busied with this, namely, to
have me certain devil-masks made and grisly raiment thereto
appertaining with cloven hoofs, by which means to terrify our foes, and
specially to take their goods from our friends unbeknown (for which the
affair of the bacon-stealing gave me the first hint), I had news that a
fellow was at Wesel, which was a renowned partisan, went clad in green,
and under my name practised divers rapes and robberies here and there
in the land, but chiefly among our supporters, so that well-founded
plaints against me were raised, and I must have paid for it smartly,
had I not clearly shewn that at the very time he played these and other
like tricks in my name I was elsewhere. Now this I would not pardon
him, much less suffer him longer to use my name, to plunder in my shape
and so bring me to shame. So with the knowledge of the commandant at
Soest I sent him an invitation to the open field with swords or
pistols. But as he had no heart to appear, I let it be known I would be
revenged on him, even though it were in the very quarters of the
commandant at Wesel, who had failed to punish him. Yea, I said openly
if I found him on a foray I would treat him as an enemy. And that
determined me to let my masks alone with which I had planned to do
great things, to cut my green livery in pieces, and to burn it publicly
in Soest in front of my quarters, to say nothing of all my clothing and
horse harness, which were worth well over a hundred ducats: yea, and in
my wrath I swore that the next that should call me huntsman must either
kill me or die by my hand, should it cost me my life: nor would I ever
again lead a party (for I was not bound to do so, being no officer)
till I had avenged myself on my counterfeit at Wesel. So I kept myself
to myself and did no more any exploits, save that I did my duty as
sentry wheresoever I might be ordered to go, and that I performed as
any malingerer might, and as sleepily as might well be. And this thing
became known in the neighbourhood, and the advance-parties of the enemy
became so bold and assured at this that they every day would bivouac
close to our pickets: and that at last I could endure no longer. Yet
what plagued me most of all was this: that this huntsman of Wesel went
ever on his old way, giving himself out for me and under that name
getting plunder enough and to spare.

Meanwhile, while all thought I had laid myself to sleep on a bearskin
and should not soon rise from it, I was inquiring of the ways and works
of my counterfeit at Wesel, and found that he not only imitated me in
name and clothing, but was also used to steal by night whenever he
could find a chance: so I woke up again unexpectedly and laid my plans
accordingly. Now I had by little and little trained my two servants
like watch-dogs, and they were so true to me that each at need would
have run through fire for me, for with me they had good food and drink
and gained plenty of booty. One of these I sent to mine enemy at Wesel,
to pretend that because I, that had been his master, was now begun to
live like any idler and had sworn never again to ride on a raid, he
cared not to stay longer with me, but was come to serve him, since
'twas he that had put on the huntsman's dress in his master's stead,
and carried himself like a proper soldier: and he knew, said he, all
highways and byways in the country, and could lay many a plan for him
to gain good booty. My good simple fool believed it all, and let
himself be persuaded to take the fellow into his service. So on a
certain night he went with him and his comrade to a sheepfold to fetch
away a few fat wethers: but there was I and Jump-i'-th'-field my other
servant already in waiting, and had bribed the shepherd to fasten up
his dogs and to suffer the new-comers to burrow their way into the shed
unhindered; for I would say grace for them over their mutton. So when
they had made a hole through the wall, the huntsman of Wesel would have
it that my servant should slip in first: "But," says he, "No, for there
might well be one on the watch that should deal me one on the head: I
see plainly ye know not how to go a-mousing: one must first explore";
and therewith drew his sword and hung his hat on the point, and pushing
it through the hole again and again, "So," says he, "We shall find out
if the good man be at home or not." This ended, the huntsman of Wesel
was the first to creep through. And with that Jump-i'-th'-field had him
by the arm which held his sword, and asked, would he cry for quarter?
That his fellow heard and would have run for it: but I, who knew not
which was the huntsman, and was swifter of foot than he, overtook him
in a few paces: so I asked him, "Of what party?" Says he, "Of the
emperor's." I asked, "What regiment? I am of the emperor's side: 'tis a
rogue that denies his master!" He answered, "We are of the dragoons of
Soest, and are come to fetch a couple of sheep: I hope, brother, if ye
be of the emperor's party too, ye will let us pass." I answered, "Who
are ye, then, from Soest?" Says he, "My comrade in the shed is the
huntsman." "Then are ye rogues," said I, "or why do ye plunder
your own quarters? The huntsman of Soest is no such fool as to let
himself be taken in a sheep-fold." "Nay, from Wesel I should have
said," says he: but while we thus disputed together came my servant and
Jump-i'-th'-field to us with my adversary: and, "Lookye," says I, "Is
it thus we come together, thou honourable rascal, thou? Were it not
that I respect the emperor's arms which thou hast undertaken to bear
against the enemy, I would incontinently send a ball through thy head:
till now I have been the huntsman of Soest, and thee I count for a
rogue unless thou take one of these swords here present and measurest
the other with me soldier-fashion." And with that my servant (who, like
Jump-i'-th'-field, had on horrible devil's apparel with goat's horns)
laid a couple of swords at our feet which I had brought from Soest, and
gave the huntsman of Wesel the choice, to take which he would: whereat
the poor huntsman was so dismayed that it fared with him as with me at
Hanau when I spoiled the dance: he and his comrade trembled like wet
dogs, fell on their knees, and begged for pardon. But Jump-i'-th'-field
growled out, as 'twere from the inside of a hollow pot, "Nay, ye must
fight, or I will break the neck of ye." "O honourable sir devil," says
the huntsman, "I came not here to fight: oh, deliver me from this,
master devil, and I will do what thou wilt." So as he talked thus
wildly, my servant put one sword in his hand and gave me the other: yet
he trembled so sore he could not hold it. Now the moon was bright, and
the shepherd and his men could see and hear all from out their hut: so
I called to him to come, that I might have a witness of this bargain:
but when he came, he made as though he saw not the two in devils'
disguise, and said, what cause had I to bicker so long with these two
fellows in his sheepfold: if I had aught to settle with them, I might
do it elsewhere: for our business concerned him not at all: he paid his
"Conterbission" regularly every month, and hoped, therefore, he might
live in peace with his sheep. To the two fellows he said, why did they
so suffer one man to plague them, and did not knock me on the head at
once. "Why," said I, "thou rascal, they would have stolen thy sheep."
"Then let the devil wring their necks for them," says the peasant, and
away he went. With that I would come to the fighting again: but my poor
huntsman could, for sheer terror, no longer keep his feet, so that I
pitied him: yea, he and his comrade uttered such piteous plaints that,
in a word, I forgave and pardoned him all. But Jump-i'-th'-field would
not so be satisfied, but scratched the huntsman so grievously in the
face that he looked as he had been at dinner with the cats, and with
this poor revenge I must be content. So the huntsman vanished from
Wesel, for he was sore shamed: inasmuch as his comrade declared
everywhere, and confirmed it with horrible oaths, that I had in real
truth two devils in the flesh that waited on me; and so was I more
feared, and contrariwise less loved.

Chap. iii.: HOW THE GREAT GOD JUPITER WAS CAPTURED AND HOW HE
REVEALED THE COUNSELS OF THE GODS

Of that I was soon aware: and therefore did I do away my godless way of
life and give myself over to religion and good living. 'Tis true I
would ride on forays as before, yet now I shewed myself so courteous
and kindly towards friend and foe, that all I had to deal with deemed
it must be a different man from him they had heard of. Nay, more, I
made an end of my superfluous expense, and got together many bright
ducats and jewels which I hid here and there in hollow trees in the
country round Soest; for so the well-known fortune-teller in that town
advised me, and told me likewise I had more enemies in Soest and in
mine own regiment than outside the town and in the enemy's garrisons:
and these, said she, were all plotting against me and my money. And
when 'twas noised in this place or that, that the huntsman was off and
away, presently I was all unexpectedly at the elbow of them that so
flattered themselves, and before one village was rightly certain that I
had done mischief in another, itself found that I was close at hand:
for I was everywhere like a whirlwind, now here now there: so that I
was more talked of than ever, and others gave themselves out to be me.

Now it happened that I lay with twenty-five musquets not far from
Dorsten and waited for a convoy that should come to the town: and as
was my wont, I stood sentry myself as being near the enemy. To me there
came a man all alone, very well dressed and flourishing a cane he had
in his hand in strange wise: nor could I understand aught he said but
this, "Once for all will I punish the world, that will not render me
divine honours." From that I guessed this might be some mighty prince
that went thus disguised to find out his subjects' ways and works, and
now proposed duly to punish the same, as not having found them to his
liking. So I thought, "If this man be of the opposite party, it means a
good ransom; but if not, thou canst treat him so courteously and so
charm away his heart that he shall be profitable to thee all thy life
long."

With that I leapt out upon him, presented my gun at him at full-cock,
and says I, "Your worship will please to walk before me into yonder
wood if he will not be treated as an enemy." So he answered very
gravely, "To such treatment my likes are not accustomed": but I pushed
him very politely along and, "Your honour," said I, "will not for once
refuse to bow to the necessities of the times." So when I had brought
him safely to my people in the wood and had set my sentries again, I
asked him who he was: to which he answered very haughtily I need not
ask that, for I knew already he was a great god. I thought he might
perhaps know me, and might be a nobleman of Soest that thus spoke to
rally me; for 'tis the custom to jeer at the people of Soest about
their great idol with the golden apron: but soon I was aware that
instead of a prince I had caught a madman, one that had studied too
much and gone mad over poetry: for when he grew a little more
acquainted with me he told me plainly he was the great god Jupiter
himself.

Now did I heartily wish I had never made this capture: but since I had
my fool, there I must needs keep him till we should depart: so, as the
time otherwise would have been tedious, I thought I would humour the
fellow and make his gifts of use to me; so I said to him, "Now,
worshipful Jove, how comes it that thy high divinity thus leaves his
heavenly throne and descends to earth? Forgive, O Jupiter, my question,
which thou mightest deem one of curiosity: for we be also akin to the
heavenly gods and nought but wood-spirits, born of fauns and nymphs, to
whom this secret shall ever remain a secret." "I swear to thee by the
Styx," answered Jupiter, "thou shouldst not know a word of the secret
wert thou not so like to my cup-bearer Ganymede, even wert thou Paris's
own son: but for his sake I communicate to thee this, that a great
outcry concerning the sins of the world is come up to me through the
clouds: upon which 'twas decided in the council of all the gods that I
could justly destroy all the world with a flood: but inasmuch as I have
always had a special favour to the human race, and moreover at all
times shew kindness rather than severity, I am now wandering around to
learn for myself the ways and works of men: and though I find all worse
than I expected, yet am I not minded to destroy all men at once and
without distinction, but to punish only those that deserve punishment
and thereafter to bend the remainder to my will."

I must needs laugh, yet checked myself, and said, "Alas, Jupiter, thy
toil and trouble will be, I fear, all in vain unless thou punish the
world with water, as before, or with fire: for if thou sendest a war,
thither run together all vile and abandoned rogues that do but torment
peaceable and pious men. An thou sendest a famine, 'tis but a godsend
for the usurers, for then is their corn most valuable: and if thou
sendest a pestilence, then the greedy and all the rest of mankind do
find their account, for then do they inherit much. So must thou destroy
the whole world root and branch, if thou wilt punish at all."

Chap. iv.: OF THE GERMAN HERO THAT SHALL CONQUER THE WHOLE WORLD AND
BRING PEACE TO ALL NATIONS

So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as
if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage
things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I
will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of
the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the
righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers,
and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the
innocent suffer as well as the guilty." "Oho;" says Jupiter, "be ye
earthly gods minded like earthly men, that ye can understand so little?
For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and
yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a
body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the
full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus
add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my
Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts,
dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by
all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the
hour of his birth. Mercury, too, shall endow him with incomparable
cleverness, and the inconstant moon shall be to him not harmful but
useful, for she shall implant in him an invincible swiftness: Pallas
Athene shall rear him on Parnassus, and Vulcan shall, under the
influence of Mars, forge for him his weapons, and specially a sword
with which he shall conquer the whole world and make an end of all the
godless, without the help of a single man as a soldier: for he shall
need no assistance. Every town shall tremble at his coming, and every
fortress otherwise unconquerable he shall have in his power in the
first quarter of an hour: in a word, he shall have the rule over the
greatest potentates of the world, and so nobly bear sway over earth and
sea that both gods and men shall rejoice thereat."

"Yea," said I, "but how can the destruction of all the godless and rule
over the whole world be accomplished without specially great power and
a strong arm? O Jupiter, I tell thee plainly I can understand these
things less than any mere mortal man." "At that," says Jupiter, "I
marvel not: for thou knowest not what power my hero's sword will have;
Vulcan shall make it of the same materials of which he doth forge my
thunderbolts, and so direct its virtues that my hero, if he do but draw
it and wave it in the air, can cut off the heads of a whole armada,
though they be hidden behind a mountain or be a whole Swiss mile
distant from him, and so the poor devils shall lie there without heads
before they know what has befallen them. And when he shall begin his
triumphal progress and shall come before a town or a fortress, then
shall he use Tamburlaine's vein, and for a sign that he is there for
peace and for the furthering of all good shall shew a white flag: then
if they come forth to him and are content, 'tis well: if not, then will
he draw his sword, and by its virtue, as before described, will hew off
the heads of all enchanters and sorceresses throughout the town, and
then raise a red flag: then if they be still obstinate, he shall
destroy all murderers, usurers, thieves, rogues, adulterers, whores,
and knaves in the said manner, and then hoist a black flag: whereupon
if those that yet remain in the town refuse to come to him and humbly
submit, then shall he destroy the whole town as a stiff-necked and
disobedient folk: yet shall he only execute them that have hindered the
others, and been the cause that the people would not submit. So shall
he go from country to country, and give each town the country that lies
around it to rule in peace, and from each town in all Germany choose
out two of the wisest and learnedest men to form his parliament, shall
reconcile the towns with each other for ever, shall do away all
villenage, and also all tolls, excises, interest, taxes, and octrois
throughout Germany, and take such order that none shall ever again hear
of forced work, watch-duties, contributions, benevolences, war-taxes,
and other burdens of the people, but that men shall live happier than
in the Elysian fields. And then," says Jupiter, "will I often assemble
all Olympus and come down to visit the Germans, to delight myself among
their vines and fig-trees: and there will I set Helicon on their
borders and establish the Muses anew thereon: Germany will I bless with
all plenty, yea, more than Arabia Felix, Mesopotamia, and the land of
Damascus: then will I forswear the Greek language, and only speak
German; and, in a word, shew myself so good a German that in the end I
shall grant to them, as once I did to the Romans, the rule over all the
earth."

"But," said I, "great Jupiter, what will princes and lords say to this,
if this future hero so violently take from them their rights and hand
them over to the towns? Will they not resist with force, or at least
protest against it before gods and men?"

"The hero," answered Jupiter, "will trouble himself little on that
score: he will divide all the great into three classes: them which have
lived wickedly and set an evil example he will punish together with the
commons, for no earthly power can withstand his sword: to the rest he
will give the choice whether to stay in the land or not. They that love
their fatherland and abide must live like the commons, but the German
people's way of living shall then be more plentiful and comfortable
than is now the life and household of a king; yea, they shall be one
and all like Fabricius, that would not share King Pyrrhus his kingdom
because he loved his country and honour and virtue too much: and so
much for the second class. But as to the third, which will still be
lords and rulers, them will he lead through Hungary and Italy into
Moldavia, Wallachia, into Macedonia, Thrace and Greece, yea, over the
Hellespont into Asia, and conquer these lands for them, give them as
helpers all them that live by war in all Germany, and make them all
kings. Then will he take Constantinople in one day, and lay the heads
of all Turks that will not be converted and become obedient before
their feet: then will he again set up the Roman Empire, and so betake
himself again to Germany, and with his lords of Parliament (whom, as I
have said, he shall choose in pairs from every city in Germany, and
name them the chiefs and fathers of his German Fatherland) build a city
in the midst of Germany that shall be far greater than Manoah[21] in
America, and richer than was Jerusalem in Solomon's time, whose walls
shall be as high as the mountains of Tirol and its ditches as broad as
the sea between Spain and Africa. And there will he build a temple
entirely of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and sapphires, and in the
treasury that he shall there build will he gather together rarities
from the whole world out of the gifts that the kings in China and in
Persia, the great Mogul in the East Indies, the great Khan of Tartary,
Prester John in Africa, and the great Czar in Muscovy will send to him.
Yea, the Turkish emperor would be yet more ready to serve him if it
were not that my hero will have taken his empire from him and given it
as a fief to the Roman emperor."

Then I asked my friend Jupiter what in such case would become of the
Christian kings. So he answered, "Those of England, Sweden, and Denmark
(because they are of German race and descent), and those of Spain,
France, and Portugal (because the Germans of old conquered and ruled in
those lands), shall receive their crowns, kingdoms, and incorporated
lands in fee as fiefs of the German nation, and then will there be, as
in Augustus's time, a perpetual peace between all nations."

Chap. v.: HOW HE SHALL RECONCILE ALL RELIGIONS AND CAST THEM IN THE
SAME MOULD

Now Jump-i'-th'-field, who also listened to us, had wellnigh enraged
Jupiter and spoiled the whole affair; for said he, "Yea, yea; and then
'twill be in Germany as in fairyland, where it rains muscatels and
nought else, and where twopenny pies grow in the night like mushrooms:
and I too shall have to eat with both cheeks full at once like a
thresher, and drink myself blind with Malvoisie." "Yea, truly," said
Jupiter, "and that the more because I will curse thee with the undying
hunger of Erysichthon, for methinks thou art one of them that do deride
my majesty," and to me said he, "I deemed I was among wood-spirits
only: but meseems I have chanced upon a Momus or a Zoilus, the most
envious creatures in the world. Is one to reveal to such traitors the
decrees of heaven and so to cast pearls before swine?" So I saw plainly
he would not willingly brook laughter, and therefore kept down mine own
as best I could, and "Most gracious Jupiter," said I, "thou wilt not,
by reason of a rude forest-god's indiscretion, conceal from thy
Ganymede how things are further to happen in Germany." "No, no," said
he, "but I command this mocker, who is like to Theon, to bridle his
evil tongue in future, lest I turn him to a stone as Mercury did
Battus. But do thou confess to me thou art truly my Ganymede, and that
my jealous Juno hath driven thee from heaven in my absence." So I
promised to tell him all when I should have heard what I desired to
know. Thereupon, "Dear Ganymede," says he, "for deny not that thou art
he--in those days shall gold-making be as common in Germany as is
pot-making now, and every horse-boy shall carry the philosophers' stone
about with him." "Yea," said I, "but how can Germany be so long in
peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy
urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?" "No, no," says Jupiter,
"my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all
things to unite all Christian religions in the world." "O wonderful,"
said I, "that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?" "I
will with all my heart reveal it to thee," answered Jupiter, "for after
my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads
of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving
speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most
pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a
general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such
according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the
most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions
and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two
translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider
weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and
drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and
yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside
the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down
in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian
religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition,
the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely
scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will
devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an 'and,' and if not
to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it sine die, that
is for ever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his
order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and
aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also
will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all
the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray
without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the
Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow
himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly
with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete
so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the
gallows, or shew them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness,
but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the
business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with
their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then
will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this
purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with
pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him
to Pluto as a New Year's gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all
thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou
hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of
nectar."

Chap. vi.: HOW THE EMBASSY OF THE FLEAS FARED WITH JUPITER

Now methought 'twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he
pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to
escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for
in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, "The
reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so
took Daedalus's wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I
came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for
Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all
the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have
lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy,
adulterous caperer after woman-kind; how canst thou then, punish the
world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass
Mars's adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting
cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity
the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another
with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber;
Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander;
Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole
crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged
nowhere but in Augeas's stable, which even without them stinks in the
nostrils of all the world."

"Aha;" says Jupiter, "and who would wonder if I laid aside my
graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous
liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and
beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst
like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount
Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in
Phalaris's red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these
plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora's
box anew and empty it upon the rogues' heads: then Nemesis shall wake
the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow
Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves,
and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then
will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and
there have them chastised for ever without pity by the Furies."

Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he
had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore.
And as he did so he cried, "Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear
to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire."
So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of
the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their
ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that,
though he had assigned to them the dogs' coats as a dwelling, yet on
account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went
astray and trespassed on the ladies' furs; and such poor wandering
creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only
murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their
fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. "Yea," said Jupiter
further, "they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously
that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help,
yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected
that if 'twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose
them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either
impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas
themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me
and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women
to hunt, catch, and with the hunters' privilege to slay them in their
preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be
executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a pole-axe like
oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed
between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their
own limbs were made instruments of torture." "Gentlemen," said I, "ye
must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye." "Yea,
truly," said they, "they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not
suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their
lap-dogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that
we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings."
Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel
their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly:
and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen,
I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only
this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they
will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him
no better.

Chap. vii.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN AGAIN SECURED HONOUR AND BOOTY

Now might we not laugh as heartily as we would, both because we
must keep quiet and because this good fool liked it not: wherefore
Jump-i'-th'-field came nigh to burst. And just then our look-out man
that we had posted in a tree called to us that he saw somewhat
coming afar off. So I climbed the tree myself, and saw through my
perspective-glass it must be the carriers for whom we lay in wait: they
had no one on foot, but some thirty odd troopers for escort, and so I
might easily judge they would not go through the wood wherein we lay,
but would do their best to keep the open, and there we should have no
advantage over them, though there was even there an awkward piece of
road that led through the clearing some six hundred paces from us, and
three hundred paces from the end of the wood or hill. Now it vexed me
to have lain there so long for nought, or at best to have captured only
a fool; and so I quickly laid me another plan and that turned out well.
For from our place of ambush there ran a brook in a cleft of the
ground, which it was easy to ride along, down to the level country: the
mouth of this I occupied with twenty men, took my post with them, and
bade Jump-i'-th'-field stay in the place where we had been posted to
advantage, and ordered each one of my fellows, when the escort should
come, that each should aim at his man, and commanded also that some
should shoot and some should hold their fire for a reserve. Some old
veterans perceived what I intended and how I guessed that the escort
would come that way, as having no cause for caution, and because
certainly no peasant had been in such a place for a hundred years. But
others that believed I could bewitch (for at that time I was in great
reputation on that account) thought I would conjure the enemy into our
hands. Yet here I needed no devil's arts, only my Jump-i'-th'-field;
for even as the escort, riding pretty close together, was just about to
pass by us, he began at my order to bellow most horribly like an ox,
and to neigh like a horse; till the whole wood echoed therewith and any
man would have sworn there were horses and cattle there. So when the
escort heard that they thought to gain booty and to snap up somewhat,
which yet was hard to find in such a country so laid waste. So
altogether they rode so hard and disorderly into our ambush as if each
would be the first to get the hardest blow, and this made them ride so
close that in the first salute we gave them thirteen saddles were
emptied, and some that fell were crushed under the horses' hoofs. Then
came Jump-i'-th'-field leaping down the ravine and crying, "Huntsman
here!" At this the fellows were yet more terrified and so dismayed that
they would ride neither backward, forward nor sideways, but leapt down
and tried to escape on foot. Yet I had them all seventeen prisoners
with the lieutenant that had commanded them, and then attacked the
waggons, where I unharnessed four-and-twenty horses, and yet got only a
few bales of silk and holland: for I dared not spare the time to
plunder the dead, far less to search the waggons well, for the
waggoners were up and away on the horses as soon as the action began,
and so might I be betrayed at Dorsten, and caught again on the way
back. So when we had packed up our plunder comes Jupiter from the wood
and cried to us, "Would his Ganymede desert him?" I answered him, yes,
if he would not grant the fleas the privilege they demanded. "Sooner,"
says he, "would I see them all lying in hell-fires." At that I must
needs laugh, and because in any case I had horses to spare I had him
set on one: yet as he could ride no better than a tailor, I must have
him bound upon his horse: and then he told us our skirmish had reminded
him of that of the Lapithae and the centaurs at Pirithous' wedding. So
when all was over and we galloping away with our prisoners as if we
were pursued, the lieutenant we had captured began to consider what a
fault he had committed, as having delivered so bold a troop of riders
into the hand of the enemy and given over thirteen brave fellows to be
butchered, and so, being desperate, he refused the quarter I had given
him, and would fain have compelled me to have him shot; for he thought
that not only would this mistake turn to his great shame, and he be
answerable, but also would hinder his advancement, even if it came not
to this, that he must pay for his error with his head. So I talked with
him and shewed him that with many a good soldier inconstant fortune had
played her tricks; yet had I never seen any one that therefore had been
driven desperate, and that so to act were a sign of faintheartedness:
for brave soldiers were ever devising how to make up for losses
sustained; nor should he ever bring me to break my plighted word or to
commit so shameful a deed against all righteousness and against the
custom and tradition of honourable soldiers. When he saw I would not do
it he began to revile me in the hope to move me to anger, and said I
had not fought with him honestly and openly, but like a rogue and a
footpad, and had stolen the lives of his soldiers like a thief: and at
this his own fellows that we had captured were mightily afraid, and
mine so wroth that they would have riddled him like a sieve if I had
allowed it; and I had enough to do to prevent it. Yet I was in no wise
moved at his talk, but called both friend and foe to witness of what
happened, and had him bound and guarded as a madman, but promised him
so soon as we came to our camp, and if my officers permitted, to equip
him with mine own horses and weapons, of which he should have the
choice, and prove to him in open field, with sword and pistol, that
'twas allowed in war to use craft against the adversary: and asked him
why he had not stayed with the waggons, which he was ordered to do; or,
if he must needs see what was in the wood, why he had not made a proper
reconnaissance, which had been better for him than now to begin to play
fool's tricks to which no one would take heed. Herein both friend and
foe approved me right, and said that among a hundred partisans they had
never met one that would not for such words of reviling have not only
shot the lieutenant dead, but would have sent all the prisoners to the
grave after him.

So next morning I brought my prisoners and plunder safely to Soest, and
gained more honour and fame from this foray than ever before: for each
one said, "This will prove another young John de Werth[22]"; which
tickled me greatly. Yet would not the commandant permit me to exchange
shots or to fight with the lieutenant: for he said I had twice overcome
him. And the more my triumphs thus increased the more grew the envy of
those that in any case would have grudged me my luck.

Chap. viii.: HOW HE FOUND THE DEVIL IN THE TROUGH, AND HOW
JUMP-I'-TH'-FIELD GOT FINE HORSES

Now I could by no means be rid of my Jupiter: for the commandant would
have none of him, as a pigeon not worth the plucking, but said he made
me a free gift of him. So now I had a fool of mine own and needed to
buy none, though a year before I must needs allow others to treat me as
such. So wondrous is fortune and so changeable the times! Even now had
the lice troubled me, and now had I the very god of fleas in my power;
half a year before was I serving a miserable dragoon as page, and now I
had command of two servants that called me master; and so I reflected
at times that nothing is so certain in this world as its uncertainty.
And so must I fear if ever Fortune should let loose her hornets upon me
it would altogether overwhelm my present happiness.

Now just then Count von der Wahl, as colonel in command of the
Westphalian circle, was collecting troops from all the garrisons to
make a cavalry expedition through the bishopric of Münster towards the
Vecht, Meppen, Lingen and such places, but specially to drive off two
companies of Hessian troopers in the bishopric of Paderborn that lay
two miles from the city and had there done our people much damage. So
was I ordered out with our dragoons, and when a few troops had been
collected at Ham we beat up the quarters of the said troopers, which
were but an ill-protected village, till the rest of our people came.
They tried to escape, but we drove them back into their nest, and
offered them to let them go without horse or weapons but with the
clothes on their backs; to this they would not agree, but would defend
themselves with their carbines like musqueteers. So it came to that,
that in the same night I must try what luck I had in storming, for the
dragoons led the way; and my luck was so good that I, together with
Jump-i'-th'-field, was among the first to come into the town, and that
without hurt, and we soon cleared the streets; for all that bore arms
were cut down, and the citizens had no stomach for fighting; so we
entered the houses. Then said Jump-i'-th'-field, we should choose a
house before which a big heap of dung stood, for in such the rich
curmudgeons were wont to dwell, with whom commonly officers were
billeted: on such a one we seized, and there Jump-i'-th'-field would
first visit the stable and I the house, on the condition each should
share with the other whatever he could lay hands on. So then each lit
his torch, and I called to the master of the house but had no answer,
for all had hid themselves, but came upon a room wherein was nought but
an empty bed and a covered kneading-trough. This I knocked open in
hopes to find somewhat valuable, but as I raised the cover a coal-black
thing rose up against me which I took for Lucifer himself. Nay, I can
swear I was never in my life so terrified as I was then, when I so
unawares beheld this black devil. "May all the powers of hell take
thee," I cried in my fear, and raised my hatchet wherewith I had broke
open the trough, yet had not the heart to split the creature's skull:
so down he knelt, raised his hands to me, and says he, "O massa, I beg
by de good God, gib me my life." With that I first knew 'twas no devil,
for he spake of God and begged for his life; so I bade him get out of
his trough: and that he did as naked as God made him. Then I cut a
piece of my torch off for him to light me, the which he did obediently,
and brought me to a little room wherein I found the master of the
house, who, together with his people, was looking on at this merry
sight, and begged with trembling for mercy. And that he easily came by,
for in any case we might not harm the burghers, and besides he handed
me over the baggage of the Hessian captain, among which was a fairly
well-furnished, locked portmanteau, telling me the said captain and all
his people, save one servant and the negro now present, were gone to
their posts to defend themselves. Meanwhile Jump-i'-th'-field had made
prize of the said servant and six fine saddle-horses in the stable:
these we brought into the house, barred the doors, and bade the negro
to put on his clothes; and told the burgher what story he should tell
to his captain. But when the gate was opened and the posts occupied,
and our general of ordnance, Count von der Wahl, was admitted, he
lodged his staff in the very house where we were. So in dark night
we must needs seek other quarters; and these we found with our
comrades who had come in with the storming-parties: with them we made
merry and spent the rest of the night in eating and drinking, when
Jump-i'-th'-field and I had divided our booty. For my share I received
the negro and the two best horses, of which one was a Spanish one, on
which any soldier might meet his enemy, and with this thereafter I made
no small show; but out of the portmanteau I got divers costly rings,
and in a golden case set with rubies the Prince of Orange's portrait
(for all the rest I left to Jump-i'-th'-field), so that the whole, if I
had desired to give it away, would with the horses have stood me in 200
ducats: since for the negro, that was the poorest part of my booty, the
Master-General of Ordnance to whom I presented him gave me two dozen
thalers.

Thence we marched quickly to the Ems, yet accomplished but little: and
as it happened that we came near Recklinghausen, I took leave, together
with Jump-i'-th'-field, to speak with my pastor from whom I had stolen
the bacon. With him I made merry and told him the negro had made me
feel the same terror which he and his cook had felt, and presented him,
moreover, with a fine striking watch for a friendly remembrance, which
I had had out of the captain's portmanteau: and so did I take care to
make friends in all places of them that would otherwise have had cause
to hate me.

Chap. ix.: OF AN UNEQUAL COMBAT IN WHICH THE WEAKEST WINS THE DAY AND
THE CONQUEROR IS CAPTURED

But with my good fortune my pride so increased that in the end it could
bring me nothing but a fall. For as we were encamped some half-hour
from Rehnen, I had leave to go into the town with my dear comrade,
there to have those arms furbished up which we had just received. And
as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to
the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer
down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was
wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from
other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young
prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the
year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of
troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as
we. So, being angry, they began to jest upon us, "How comes it," said
they to one another, "that these prop-hoppers[23]" (for they took us
for musqueteers, seeing that no animal in the world is more like a
musqueteer than is a dragoon, and if a dragoon fall from his horse he
rises up a musqueteer) "can make such a show with their halfpence?"
"Yonder lad," answered another, "is surely some straw-squire whose
mother hath sent him the milk-pence, and those he now spends upon his
comrades, that some time they may pull him out of the mud or through a
ditch." With which words they aimed at me, for they took me for a young
nobleman. Of such talk the maid that waited brought me private news:
yet since I heard it not myself, I could do no more than fill a great
beer-glass with wine and let it go round to the health of all good
musqueteers, and at every round made such a hubbub that none could hear
himself speak. And this vexed them yet more, so that they said aloud,
"What in the devil's name have these prop-hoppers for an easy life of
it!" Whereupon Jump-i'-th'-field answered, "And what matters that to
the bootblacks?" This passed well enough; for he looked so big and held
so fierce and threatening a carriage that no one cared to give him the
rub. Yet he must again fall foul of them, and this time of a fellow of
some consideration, who answered, "Ay, and if these loiterers could not
so swagger here on their own dung-hill (for he thought we lay there in
garrison, because our clothes seemed not so weather-beaten as those of
the poor musqueteers who must lie day and night in open field), where
could they show themselves? Who knows not that any of them in the
battlefield is as surely the booty of the troopers as is the pigeon of
the hawk?" But I answered him, "It is our business to take cities
and fortresses, whereas ye troopers, if ye come but to the poorest
rat's-nest of a town, can there drive no dog out of his den. Why may we
not then have your good leave to make merry in that which is more ours
than yours?" The trooper answered, "Him who is master in the field the
fortresses must follow after: and that we troopers are masters in the
field is proved by this: that I for myself not only fear not three such
babes as thee, musquet and all, but could stick a couple such in my
hat-band, and then ask the third where there were more to be found. And
if I now sat by thee," said he with scorn, "I would bestow on my young
squire a couple of buffets to prove the truth of this."

"Yea," said I, "and though I have as good a pair of pistols as thou,
notwithstanding I am no trooper, but only a bastard between such and
the musqueteers, yet, look you, even a child hath heart enough to shew
himself alone in open field against such a bully on horseback as thou
art, and against all thine armoury."

"Aha; thou swaggerer," said the fellow, "I hold thee for a rascal if
thou make not good thy words forthwith as becomes an honourable
nobleman."

So I threw him my glove and, "See then," said I, "if I get this not
from thee in fair field with my musquet only and on foot, so hast thou
right and good leave to hold and to reproach me for such a one as thy
presumption has even now named me."

Then we paid the reckoning and the trooper made ready his carbine and
pistols, and I my musquet: and as he rode away with his comrades to the
place agreed upon he told my comrade Jump-i'-th'-field he might order
my grave. So he answered him he had better give it in charge to one of
his own fellows that he might order such for him. Yet thereafter he
rebuked me for my presumption, and said plainly he feared I should now
play my last tune. But I did but laugh, for I had long since devised a
plan how to encounter the best mounted of troopers, if ever such an one
should attack me in the open field, though armed only with my musquet
and on foot. So when we came to the place where this beggar's dance
should be, I had my musquet already loaded with two balls, and put in
fresh priming and smeared the cover of the pan with tallow as careful
musqueteers be wont to do, to guard the touch-hole and powder in the
pan from damp in rainy weather.

Before we engaged, our comrades on both sides agreed that we should
fight in open field, and to that end that we should start, one from the
East, the other from the West, in a fenced plot; and thereafter each
should do his best against the other as a soldier would do in face of
the enemy; and that no one should help either party before or during or
after the fight, either to succour his comrade, or to avenge his death
or hurt. So when they had thus engaged themselves with word and hand, I
and my opposite gave each other our hand upon this, that each would
forgive the other his death. In all which most unreasonable folly that
ever a man of sense could entertain, each hoped to gain for his arm of
the service the advantage, for all the world as if the entire honour
and reputation of one or the other, depended upon the outcome of our
devilish undertaking.

Now as I entered the stricken field at my appointed end with my match
alight at both ends, and saw my adversary before my eyes, I made as if
I shook out the old priming as I walked. Yet I did not so, but spread
priming powder only on the cover of the pan, blew up my match, and
passed my two fingers over the pan, as is the custom, and before I
could see the white of the eyes of my opposite, who kept me well in
sight, I took aim, and set fire to the false priming powder on the
cover of the pan. Then the enemy, believing that my musquet had missed
fire and that the touch-hole was stopped, rode straight down upon me
pistol in hand, and all too anxious to pay me there and then for my
presumption, but before he was aware I had the pan open and shut again,
and gave him such a welcome that ball and fall came together.

Then I returned to my fellows, who received me with embraces; but his
comrades, freeing his foot from the stirrup, dealt with him and
with us as honest fellows, for they returned me my glove with all
praise. But even when I deemed my reputation to be at its height, came
five-and-twenty musqueteers from Rehnen, who laid me and my comrades by
the heels. Then presently I was clapped in chains and sent to
headquarters, for all duels were forbidden on pain of death.

Chap. x.: HOW THE MASTER-GENERAL OF ORDNANCE GRANTED THE HUNTSMAN HIS
LIFE AND HELD OUT HOPES TO HIM OF GREAT THINGS

Now as our General of Ordnance was wont to keep strict discipline, I
looked to lose my head: yet had I hopes to escape, because I had at so
early an age ever carried myself well against the enemy, and gained
great name and fame for courage. Yet was this hope uncertain because,
by reason of such things happening daily, 'twas necessary to make an
example. Our men had but just beat up a dangerous nest of rats, and
demanded a surrender, yet had received a denial; for the enemy knew we
had no heavy artillery. For that reason Count von der Wahl appeared
with all our force before the said place, demanded a surrender once
more by a trumpeter, and threatened to storm the town. Yet all he got
thereby was the writing that here followeth:

"High and well-born Count, &c.,--From your Excellency's letter to me I
understand what you suggest to me in the name of his Imperial Roman
Majesty. Now your Excellency, with his great understanding, must be
well aware how improper, nay unjustifiable, it were for a soldier to
surrender a place like this to the adversary without especial
necessity. For which reason your Excellency will not, I hope, blame me
if I wait till his means of attack are sufficient. But if your
Excellency have occasion to employ my small powers in any services but
those touching my allegiance, I shall ever be,

        "Your Excellency's most obedient servant,

                                                       "N. N."

Thereupon was much discussion in our camp about this place; for to
leave it alone was not to be thought on: to storm it without a breach
would have cost much blood, and 'twould have been uncertain even then
whether we should succeed or not: and if we had to fetch our heavy
pieces and all their equipment from Münster and Ham, 'twould cost much
time, trouble, and expense. So while great and small were hard at work
a-reasoning, it came into my head that I should use this opportunity to
get free: so I set all my wits to work, and reflected how one might
cheat the enemy, seeing 'twas only the cannon that were wanted. And
pretty soon I had devised a trick and let my lieutenant-colonel know I
had plans by which the place could be secured without trouble and
expense, if only I could be pardoned and set free. Yet some old and
tried soldiers laughed and said, "Drowning men catch at straws; and
this good fellow thinks to talk himself out of gaol."

But the lieutenant-colonel himself, with others that knew me, listened
to my words as to an article of belief; wherefore he went himself to
the Master-General of the Ordnance and laid before him my plan, with
the recital, moreover, of many things that he could tell of me: and
inasmuch as the Count had already heard of the Huntsman, he had me
brought before him and for so long loosed from my bonds. He was set at
table when I came, and my lieutenant-colonel told him how the spring
before, having stood my first hour as sentry under St. James's Gate at
Soest, a heavy rain with thunder and wind had suddenly come on, and
when, each running from the fields and the gardens into the town, there
was great press of foot and horse, I had had the wit to call out the
guard, because in such a tumult a town was easiest to take. "At last,"
said the lieutenant-colonel further, "came an old woman dripping wet,
and said even as she passed by the huntsman, 'Yea, I have felt this
storm in my back for a fortnight.' So the huntsman, hearing this and
having a rod in his hand, smote her with it over the shoulder, and says
he, 'Thou old witch, couldst thou not let it loose before; must thou
wait till I stood sentry?' And when his officer rebuked him he
answered, 'She is rightly served: the old carrion crow had heard a
month ago how all were crying out for rain: why did she not let honest
folk have it before? It had been better for the barley and hops.'"

At this the general, though he was in general a stern man, laughed
heartily; but I thought, "If the colonel tell him of such fools'
tricks, surely he will not have failed to speak of my other devices."
So I was brought in, and when the general asked what was my plan I
answered, "Gracious sir, although my fault and your Excellency's order
and prohibition do both deny me my life, yet my most humble loyalty,
which is due from me towards his Imperial Majesty, my most gracious
Lord, even to the death, bids me so far as lies in my weak power yet do
the enemy a damage, and further the interests and arms of his Majesty."
So the general cut me short, and says he, "Didst thou not lately give
me the negro?" "Yea, gracious sir," said I. Then said he, "Well, thy
zeal and loyalty might perhaps serve to spare thy life: but what plan
hast thou to bring the enemy out of this place without great loss in
time and men?" So I answered, "Since the town cannot resist heavy
artillery, my humble opinion is that the enemy would soon come to terms
if he did but really believe we had such pieces." "That," said the
general, "a fool could have told me; but who will persuade them so to
believe?" Then I answered, "Thine own eyes; I have examined their
Mainguard with a perspective-glass, and it can be easily deceived; if
we did but set a few baulks of timber, shaped like water-pipes, on
waggons, and haul them into the field with many horses, they will
certainly believe they are heavy pieces, specially if your Excellency
will order works to be thrown up about the field as if to plant cannon
there." "My dear little friend," answered the Count, "they be not
children in the town: they will not believe this pantomime, but will
require to hear thy guns; and if the trick fail," says he to the
officers that stood around, "we shall be mocked of all the world." But
I answered, "Gracious sir, an I can but have a pair of double musquets
and a pretty large cask, I will make them to hear great guns: only
beyond the sound there can be no further effect: but if against all
expectation naught but mockery ensue, then shall I, the inventor, that
must in any case die, take with me that mockery and purge it away with
my life."

Yet the general liked it not, but my colonel persuaded him to it; for
he said I was in such cases so lucky that he doubted not this trick
would succeed: so the Count ordered him to settle the matter as he
thought it could best be done, and said to him in jest that the honour
he should gain thereby should be reckoned to him alone.

So three such baulks were brought to hand, and before each were
harnessed four-and-twenty horses, though two had been sufficient: and
these towards evening we brought up in full sight of the foe: and
meanwhile I had gotten me three double musquets and a great cask from a
mansion near at hand, and set all in order as I would have it: and by
night this was added to our fool's artillery. The double musquets I
charged twice over and had them discharged through the said cask, of
which the bottom had been knocked out, as if it was three trial shots
being fired. Which sounded so thunderously that any man had sworn they
were great serpents or demi-culverins. Our general must needs laugh at
such trickery, and again offered the enemy terms, with the addition
that if they did not agree that same evening it would not go so easily
with them the next day. Thereupon hostages were exchanged and terms
arranged, and the same night one gate of the town put into our hands,
and this was well indeed for me: for the Count not only granted me my
life that by his order I had forfeited, but set me free the same night
and commanded the lieutenant-colonel in my presence to appoint me to
the first ensigncy that should fall vacant: which was not to his taste
(for he had cousins and kinsmen many in waiting) that I should be
promoted before them.

Chap. xi.: CONTAINS ALL MANNER OF MATTERS OF LITTLE IMPORT AND GREAT
IMAGINATION

On this expedition nothing more of note happened to me: but when I came
again to Soest I found the Hessians from Lippstadt had captured my
servant that I had left to guard my baggage, together with one horse
that was at pasture. From my servant the enemy learned of my ways and
works, and therefore held me higher than before, as having been
persuaded by common report I was but a sorcerer. He told them,
moreover, he had been one of the devils that had so dismayed the
Huntsman of Wesel in the sheep-fold: which when the said huntsman heard
of, he was so shamed that he took to his heels again and fled from
Lippstadt to the Hollanders. But it was my greatest good fortune that
this servant of mine was taken, as will be seen in the sequel.

Now I began to behave myself somewhat more reputably than before, as
having such fine hopes of presently being made ensign: so by degrees I
joined company with officers and young noblemen that were eager for
that office which I imagined I should soon get: for this reason these
were my worst enemies, and yet gave themselves out to be my best
friends: even the lieutenant-colonel was no longer so good to me; for
he had orders to promote me before his own kindred. My captain was my
enemy because I made a better show in horses, clothing, and arms than
he, and no longer spent so much on the old miser as before. He had
rather have seen my head hewn off than an ensigncy promised me: for he
had thought to inherit my fine horses. In like manner my lieutenant
hated me for a single word that I had lately without thought let slip:
which came about thus: we two were on the last expedition ordered to a
lonely post as vedettes: and as the turn to watch fell to me (which
must be done lying down, besides that it was a pitch-dark night), the
lieutenant comes to me creeping on his belly like a snake, and says he,
"Sentry, dost thou mark aught?" So I answered, "Yea, Herr Lieutenant."
And "What? what?" says he. I answered, "I mark that your honour is
afeared." And from thenceforward I had no more favour with him.
Wherever the danger was greatest thither was I sent first of all; yea,
he sought in all places and at all times to dust my jacket before I
became ensign, and so could not defend myself. Nor were the sergeants
less my enemies, because I was preferred to them all. And as to the
privates, they too began to fail in their love and friendship to me,
because it seemed I despised them, inasmuch as I no longer consorted
specially with them but, as aforesaid, with greater Jacks, which loved
me none the more.

But the worst was that no man told me how each was minded towards me,
and so I could not perceive it, for many a one talked with me in
friendliest wise that had sooner seen me dead. So I lived like a blind
man in all security and became ever haughtier: and though I knew it
vexed this one and that if I made a greater show than noblemen and
officers of rank, yet I held not back. I feared not to wear a collar of
sixty rix-dollars, red-scarlet hose, and white satin sleeves, trimmed
all over with gold, which was at that time the dress of the highest
officers: and therefore an eyesore to all. Yet was I a terrible
young fool so to play the lord: for had I dealt otherwise and bestowed
the money I so uselessly did hang upon my body in proper ways, I
should have soon gained my ensigncy and also not have made so many
enemies. Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which
Jump-i'-th'-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle,
bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well
have taken me for another St. George. And nothing grieved me more than
to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and my
horse-boys in my livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their
beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms then canst thou have thine own
livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring,
though thou art no nobleman. I was not long pregnant with these
thoughts, but had a coat-of-arms devised for me by a herald, which was
three red masks in a white field, and for a crest, a bust of a young
jester in a calfskin with a pair of hare's ears, adorned with little
balls in front: for I thought this suited best with my name, being
called Simplicissimus. And so would I have the fool to remind me in my
future high estate what manner of fellow I had been in Hanau, lest I
should become too proud, for already I thought no small things of
myself. And so was I properly the first of my name and race and
escutcheon, and if any had jeered at me thereupon, I had without doubt
presented him a sword or a pair of pistols. And though I had yet no
thoughts of womenkind, yet all the same I went with the young nobles
when they visited young ladies, of whom there were many in the town, to
let myself be seen and to make a show with my fine hair, clothes, and
plumes. I must confess that for the sake of my figure I was preferred
before all, yet must I all the same hear how the spoilt baggages
compared me with a fair and well-cut statue in which, beside its
beauty, was neither strength nor sap; for that was all they desired in
me: and except the lute-playing there was nothing I could do or perform
to please them: for of love as yet I knew nothing. But when they that
knew how to pay their court would gibe at me for my wooden behaviour
and awkwardness, to make themselves more beloved and to show off their
ready speech, then would I answer, 'twas enough for me if I could still
find my pleasure in a bright sword or a good musquet, and the ladies
held me right: and this angered the gentlemen so that they secretly
swore to have my life, though there was none that had heart enough to
challenge me or give me cause enough to challenge one of them, for
which a couple of buffets or any insulting word had been sufficient;
and I gave every chance for this by my loose talk, from which the
ladies argued I must be a lad of mettle, and said openly my figure and
my noble heart could plead better with any lady than all the
compliments that Cupid ever devised: and that made the rest angrier
than ever.

Chap. xii.: HOW FORTUNE UNEXPECTEDLY BESTOWED ON THE HUNTSMAN A NOBLE
PRESENT

I had two fine horses that were at that time all the joy I had in the
world. Every day I rode them in the riding-school or else for
amusement, if I had naught else to do; not indeed that the horses had
anything to learn, but I did it that people might see that the fine
creatures belonged to me. And when I went pranking down a street, or
rather the horse prancing under me, and the stupid multitude looking on
and saying, "Look, 'tis the huntsman! See what a fine horse! Ah, what a
handsome plume!" or "Zounds! what a fine fellow is this!" I pricked up
mine ears and was as pleased as if the Queen of Sheba had likened me to
Solomon in all his glory. Yet, fool that I was, I heard not what
perhaps at that time wise folk thought of me or mine enviers said of
me: these last doubtless wished I might break my neck, since they could
not do it for me: and others assuredly thought that if all men had
their own I could not practise such foolish swaggering. In a word, the
wisest must have held me without doubt for a young Colin Clout, whose
pride would certainly not last long, because it stood upon a bad
foundation and must be supported only by uncertain plunder. And if I
must confess the truth, I must grant that these last judged not amiss,
though then I understood it not, for 'twas this and only this with me:
that I would have made his shirt warm for any man or adversary that had
to deal with me, so that I might well have passed for a simple, good
soldier though I was but a child. But 'twas this cause made me so great
a man, that nowadays the veriest horse-boy can shoot the greatest hero
in the world; and had not gunpowder been invented I must have put my
pride in my pocket.

Now 'twas my custom in these rides to examine all ways and paths, all
ditches, marshes, thickets, hills and streams, make myself acquainted
with them and fix them in my memory, so that if one ever had occasion
to skirmish with the enemy I might employ the advantage of the place
both for defence and offence. To this end I rode once not far from the
town by an old ruin where formerly a house had stood. At the first
sight I thought this were a fit place to lay an ambush or to retreat
to, specially for us dragoons if we should be outnumbered and chased by
cavalry. So I rode into the courtyard, whose walls were pretty well
ruined, to see if at a pinch one could take refuge there on horseback
and how one could defend it on foot. But when to this end I would view
all exactly and sought to ride by the cellar, the walls of which were
still standing, I could neither with kindness nor force bring my horse,
which commonly feared nought, to go where I would. I spurred him till I
was vexed, but it availed not: so I dismounted and led him by the
bridle down the ruined steps which he had shied at, so that I should
know how to act another time: but he backed as much as he could; yet at
length with gentle words and strokings I had him down, and while I
patted and caressed him I found that he was sweating with fear, and
ever staring into one corner of the cellar, into which he would by no
means go, and in which I could see naught at which the most skittish
beast could shy. But as I stood there full of wonder and looked upon my
horse all a-tremble with fear, there came on me also such a terror that
'twas even as if I was dragged upwards by the hair and a bucket of cold
water poured down my back; yet could I see nothing; but the horse acted
more and more strangely, till I could fancy nothing else but that I was
perhaps bewitched, horse and all, and should come by my end in that
same cellar. So I would fain go back, but the horse would not follow,
and thereat I grew more dismayed and so confused that in truth I knew
not what I did. At last I took a pistol in my hand, and tied the horse
to a strong elder-tree that grew in the cellar, intending to go forth
and find people near by that could help to fetch the horse out; but as
I was about this it came into my head that perchance some treasure lay
hid in this old ruin, which was therefore haunted. To this conceit I
gave heed, and looked round more exactly. And just in the place to
which my horse refused to go I was ware of a part of the wall, unlike
the rest both in colour and masonry, and about the bigness of a common
chamber-shutter. But when I would approach 'twas with me as before,
namely, that my hair stood on end; and this strengthened my belief that
a treasure must there be hid.

Ten times, nay a hundred times, sooner would I have exchanged shots
with an enemy than have found myself in such a terror. I was plagued
and knew not by what: for I heard and saw naught. So I took the other
pistol from the holster as meaning with it to go off and leave the
horse, yet could I not again mount the steps, for as it seemed to me a
strong draught of wind kept me back; and now I felt my flesh creep
indeed. At last it came into my mind to fire the pistols that the
peasants that worked in the fields close by might run to the spot and
help me with word and deed. And this I did because I neither knew nor
could think of any other means to escape from this evil place of
wonders: and I was so enraged, or rather so desperate (for I knew not
myself how 'twas with me), that as I fired I aimed my pistols at the
very place wherein I believed the cause of my plight lay, and with both
balls I hit the before-mentioned piece of the wall so hard that they
made a hole wherein a man could set both his fists. Now no sooner had I
fired than my horse neighed and pricked up his ears, which heartily
rejoiced me: I knew not whether 'twas because the goblin or spectre
had vanished or because the poor beast was roused by the noise of
fire-arms, but 'tis certain I plucked up heart again and went without
hindrance or fear to the hole, which I had just opened by the shot; and
there I began to break down the wall completely, and found of silver,
gold, and jewels so rich a treasure as would have kept me in comfort to
this day, if I had but known how to keep it and dispose of it well.
There were six dozen old French silver table-tankards, a great gold
cup, some double tankards, four silver and one golden salt-cellar, one
old French golden chain, and divers diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and
sapphires set in rings and in other jewellery; also a whole casquet
full of pearls, but all spoiled or discoloured, and then in a mouldy
leather bag eighty of the oldest Joachim dollars of fine silver,
likewise 893 gold pieces with the French arms and an eagle, a coin
which none could recognise, because, as folks said, no one could read
the inscription. This money, with the rings and jewels, I strapped into
my breeches-pockets, my boots and my holsters, and because I had no bag
with me, since I had but ridden forth for pleasure, I cut the housing
from my saddle, and into it I packed the silver vessels (for 'twas
lined, and would serve me well as a sack), hung the golden chain round
my neck, mounted my horse joyfully, and rode towards my quarters. But
as I came out of the courtyard I was aware of two peasants, that would
have run as soon as they saw me: yet having six feet and level country
I easily overtook them, and asked why they would have fled and were so
terribly afeared. So they said they had thought I was the ghost that
dwelt in that deserted court, and if any came too near to him was wont
to mishandle them miserably. Then as I asked further of his ways, they
told me that for fear of this monster 'twas often many years that no
one came near that place, save some stranger that had lost his way and
came thither by chance. The story went, they said, that an iron trough
full of money lay within guarded by a black dog, and also a maiden that
had a curse upon her; and to follow the old story they had themselves
heard from their grandsires, there should come into the land a stranger
nobleman that knew neither his father nor mother, and should rescue the
maiden, and open the trough with a key of fire, and carry off the
hidden gold. And of such foolish fables they told me many more; but
because they are but ill to hear, I here cut them short for briefness.
Thereafter I did ask them what they too had been about, since at other
times they dared not go into the ruin. They answered they had heard a
shot and a loud cry; and had run up to see what was to do. But when I
told them 'twas I that shot in the hope that people would come into the
ruin, because I too was pretty much afeared, but knew nought of any
cry, they answered, "There might be shots enough heard in that castle
before any of our neighbourhood would come thither; for in truth 'tis
so ghostly beset that we had not believed my lord if he had said he had
been therein, an we had not ourselves seen him ride out thence." So
then they would know many things of me, especially what manner of place
it was within and whether I had not seen the damsel and the black dog
sitting on the iron trough, so that if I had desired to brag I could
have put strange fancies into their heads: but I said not the least
word, not even that I had gotten the costly treasure, but rode away to
my quarters and looked upon my find, which mightily delighted me.

Chap. xiii.: OF SIMPLICISSIMUS' STRANGE FANCIES AND CASTLES IN THE
AIR, AND HOW HE GUARDED HIS TREASURE

Now they that know the worth of money, and therefore take it for their
god, have no little reason on their side; for if there be a man in the
world that hath experienced its powers and wellnigh divine virtues,
that man am I. For I know how a man fares that hath a fair provision
thereof; yet have I never yet known how he should feel that had never a
farthing in his pouch. Yea, I could even take upon me to prove that
this same money possesses all virtues and powers more than any precious
stones; for it can drive away all melancholia like the diamond: it
causeth love and inclination to study, like the emerald (for so comes
it that commonly students have more money than poor folk's children):
it taketh away fear and maketh man joyful and happy like unto the ruby:
'tis often an hindrance to sleep, like the garnet: on the other hand,
it hath great power to produce repose of mind and so sleep, like the
jacinth: it strengtheneth the heart and maketh a man jolly and
companionable, lively and kind, like the sapphire and amethyst: it
driveth away bad dreams, giveth joy, sharpeneth the understanding, and
if one have a plaint against another it gaineth him the victory, like
the sardius (and in especial if the judge's palm be first well oiled
therewith): it quencheth unchaste desire, for by means of gold one can
possess fair women: and in a word, 'tis not to be exprest what gold can
do, as I have before set forth in my book intituled "Black and White,"
if any man know how rightly to use and employ this information. As to
mine own money that I had then brought together, both with robbery and
the finding of this treasure, it had a special power of its own: for
first of all it made me prouder than I was before, so much so that it
vexed me to the heart that I must still be called "Simplicissimus"
only. It spoiled my sleep like the amethyst: for many a night I lay
awake and did speculate how I could put it out to advantage and get
more to put to it. Yea, and it made me a most perfect reckoner, for I
must calculate what mine uncoined silver and gold might be worth, and
adding this to that which I had borrowed here and there, and which yet
was in my purse, I found without the precious stones a fine overplus.
Yet did my money prove to me its inborn roguery and evil inclination to
temptation, inasmuch as it did fully expound to me the proverb "He that
hath much will ever have more," and made me so miserly that any man
might well have hated me. From my money I got many foolish plans and
strange fancies in my brain, and yet could follow out no conceit of all
that I devised. At one time I thought I would leave the wars and betake
myself somewhither and spend my days in fatness a-looking out of the
window; but quickly I did repent me of that, and in especial because I
considered what a free life I now led and what hopes I had to become a
great Jack. And then my thought was this, "Up and away, Simplicissimus,
and get thyself made a nobleman and raise thine own company of dragoons
for the emperor at thine own cost: and presently thou art a perfected
young lord that with the times can rise yet higher." Yet as soon as I
reflected that this my greatness could be made small by any unlucky
engagement, or be ended by a peace that should bring the war soon to a
finish, I could not find this plan to my taste. So then I began to wish
I had my full age as a man: for hadst thou that, said I to myself, thou
couldst take a rich young wife, and so buy thee a nobleman's estate
somewhere and lead a peaceful life. There would I betake myself to the
rearing of cattle and enjoy my sufficiency to the full: yet as I knew I
was too young for this, I must let that plan go by the board also.

Such and the like conceits had I many, till at last I resolved to give
over my best effects to some man of substance in some safe town to
keep, and to wait how fortune would further deal with me. Now at that
time I had my Jupiter still with me: for indeed I could not be rid of
him: and at times the man could talk most reasonably and for weeks
together would be sane and sober: but above all things he held me dear
for my goodness to him; and seeing me in deep thought he says to me,
"Dear son, give away your blood-money; gold, silver, and all." "And
why?" said I, "dear Jupiter?" "Oh," says he, "to get you friends and be
rid of your useless cares." To which I answered, "I would fain have
more of such." Then says he, "Get more: but in such fashion will ye
never in your life have more friends nor more peace: leave it to old
misers to be greedy, but do ye so behave as becomes a fine young lad:
for ye shall sooner lack good friends than good money."

So I pondered on the matter, and found that Jupiter reasoned well of
the case: yet greed had such hold on me that I could not resolve to
give away aught. Yet I did at last present to the commandant a pair of
silver-gilt double tankards and to my captain a couple of silver
salt-cellars, by which I achieved nothing more than to make their
mouths water for the rest: for these were rare pieces of antiquity. My
true comrade Jump-i'-th'-field I rewarded with twelve rix-dollars; who
in return advised me I should either make away with my riches or else
expect to fall into misfortune by their means: for, said he, it liked
the officers not that a common soldier should have more money than
they: and he himself had known this: that one comrade should secretly
murder another for the sake of money: till now, said he, I had been
able to keep secret what I had gotten in booty, for all believed I had
spent it on clothes, horses, and arms: but now I could conceal nought
nor make folks believe I had no secret store of money: for each one
made out the treasure I had found to be greater than it was: and yet I
spent not so much as before. Nor could he help but hear what rumours
went about among the men: and were he in my place he would let wars be
wars: would settle himself in safety somewhere, and let our Lord God
rule the world as He will. But I answered, "Harkye, brother, how
can I throw to the winds my hopes of an ensigncy?" "Yea, yea," says
Jump-i'-th'-field, "but devil take me if thou ever get thine ensigncy.
The others that wait for it would help to break thy neck a thousand
times over if they saw that such a post was vacant and thou to have it.
Teach me not how to know salmon from trout, for my father was a
fisherman! And be not angry with me, brother, for I have seen how it
fares in war longer than thou. Seest thou not how many a sergeant
grows grey with his spontoon that deserved to have a company before
many others. Thinkest thou they are not fellows that have some
right to hope? And indeed they have more right to such promotion than
thou, as thou thyself must confess." Nor could I answer aught, for
Jump-i'-th'-field did but speak the truth from an honest German heart,
and flattered me not: yet must I bite my lip in secret: for I thought
at that time mighty well of myself. Yet I weighed this speech and that
of my Jupiter full carefully, and considered that I had no single
natural-born friend that would help me in straits or would revenge my
death open or secret. And I myself could see plain enough how it stood
with me: yet neither my desire of honour nor of money would leave me:
and still less my hope to become great, to leave the wars, and to be in
peace; nay, rather I held to my first plan; and when a chance offered
for Cologne, whither I, with some hundred dragoons, was ordered to
convoy certain carriers and waggons of merchandise from Münster, I
packed up my treasure, took it with me, and gave it in charge to one of
the first merchants of that city to be drawn out on production of an
exact list of the things. Now it was seventy-four marks of uncoined
silver, fifteen marks of gold, eighty Joachim dollars, and in a sealed
casquet divers rings and jewels, which, with gold and precious stones,
weighed eight and a half pounds in all, together with 893 ancient
golden coins that were worth each a gold gulden and a half. With me I
took my Jupiter, as he desired it, and had kinsfolk of repute in
Cologne: to whom he boasted of the good turns I had done him and caused
me to be received of them with great honour. Yet did he never cease to
counsel me that I should bestow my money better and buy myself friends
that would be of more service to me than money in my purse.

Chap. xiv.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WAS CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY

So on the journey home I pondered much how I should carry myself in
future, so that I might get the favour of all: for Jump-i'-th'-field
had put a troublesome flea in my ear, and had made me to believe I was
envied of all: and in truth 'twas no otherwise. And now came into my
mind what the famous prophetess of Soest had once said,[24] and so I
burdened myself with yet greater cares. Yet with these thoughts did I
sharpen my wit, and perceived that a man that should live without cares
would be dull as any beast. Then I considered for what reason one and
the other might hate me, and how I might deal with each to have his
goodwill again, yet most of all must I wonder how men could be so false
and yet give me nought but good words whereas they loved me not. For
that cause I determined to deal as others did, and to say what would
please each, yea, to approach every man with respect though I felt it
not: for most of all I felt 'twas mine own pride had burdened me with
the most enemies. Therefore I held it needful to shew myself humble
again, though I was not, and to consort again with common folk, but to
approach my betters hat in hand and to refrain from all finery in dress
till my rank should be bettered. From the merchant in Cologne I had
drawn 100 dollars, to repay the same with interest when he should
return my treasure: these hundred dollars I was minded to spend on the
way for the behoof of the escort, as now perceiving that greed makes no
friends, and therefore was resolved on this very journey to alter my
ways and make a new beginning. Yet did I reckon without mine host; for
as we would pass through the duchy of Berg there waited for us in a
post of vantage eighty musqueteers and fifty troopers, even when I was
ordered forward with four others and a corporal to ride in front and to
spy out the road. So the enemy kept quiet when we came into the ambush
and let us pass, lest if they had attacked us the convoy should be
warned before they came into the pass where they were: but after us
they sent a cornet and eight troopers that kept us in sight till their
people had attacked our escort itself, and we turned round to protect
the waggons: at which they rode down upon us and asked, would we have
quarter. Now for my part I was well mounted: for I had my best horse
under me: yet would I not run, but rode up a little hillock to see if
honour was to be had by fighting. Yet I was presently aware, by the
noise of the volley that our people received, what o'clock it was, and
so disposed myself to flight. But the cornet had thought of all, and
already cut off our retreat, and as I was preparing to cut my way
through he once again offered me quarter, for he thought me an officer.
So I considered that to make sure of one's life is better than an
uncertain hazard, and therefore asked, would he keep his promise of
quarter as an honest soldier: he answered, "Yes, honestly." So I
presented him my sword and rendered myself up a prisoner. At once he
asked me of what condition I was: for he took me for a nobleman and
therefore an officer. But when I answered him, I was called the
Huntsman of Soest, "Then art thou lucky," says he, "that thou didst not
fall into our hands a month ago: for then could I have given thee no
quarter, since then thou wast commonly held among our people for a
declared sorcerer."

This cornet was a fine young cavalier and not more than two years older
than I, and was mightily proud to have the honour of taking the famous
huntsman: therefore he observed the promised quarter very honourably
and in Dutch fashion, which is to take from their Spanish prisoners of
war nothing that they carry under their belt: nay, he did not even have
me searched; but I had wit enough to take the money out of my pockets
and present it to him when they came to a division of spoils; and also
I told the cornet secretly to look to it that he got as his share my
horse, saddle, and harness, for he would find thirty ducats in the
saddle, and the horse had hardly his equal anywhere. And for this cause
the cornet was as much my friend as if I had been his own brother: for
at once he mounted my horse and set me on his own. But of the escort no
more than six were dead, and thirteen prisoners, of whom eight were
wounded: the rest fled and had not heart enough to retake the booty
from the enemy in fair field, the which they could have done, as being
all mounted men against infantry.

Now when the plunder and the prisoners had been shared, the Swedes and
Hessians (for they were from different garrisons) separated the same
evening. But the cornet kept me and the corporal, together with three
other dragoons, as his share because he had captured us: and so were we
brought to a fortress which lay but a few miles from our own
garrison.[25] And inasmuch as I had raised plenty of smoke in that town
before, my name was there well known and I myself more feared than
loved. So when we had the place in sight the cornet sent a trooper in
advance to announce his coming to the commandant, and to tell him how
he had fared and who the prisoners were, whereat there was a concourse
in the town that was not to be described, for each would fain see the
huntsman. One said this of me, and another that; and the sight was for
all the world as if some great potentate had made his entry. But we
prisoners were brought straight to the commandant, who was much amazed
at my youth; and asked, had I never served on the Swedish side, and of
what country I was: and when I told him the truth he would know if I
had no desire to serve again on their side. I answered him that in
other respects 'twas to me indifferent: but that I had sworn an oath to
the emperor and therefore methought 'twas my duty to keep such.
Thereupon he ordered us to be taken to the prize-master, but allowed
the cornet, at his request, to treat us as his guests, because I had
before so treated mine own prisoners and among them his own brother. So
when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune
and cavaliers of birth at the cornet's quarters, who sent for me and
the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary
courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing,
and carried myself as confidently and open-hearted as I had been no
prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I
shewed myself as modest as might be; for I could well imagine that my
behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I
afterwards learned.

Next day we prisoners, one after another, were brought before the
regimental judge-advocate-general, who examined us, the corporal first,
and me second. But as soon as I entered the room he was filled with
wonder at my youth, and to cast it in my teeth, "My child," says he,
"what have the Swedes done to thee that thou shouldst fight against
them?"

Now this angered me: for I had seen as young soldiers among them as I
was: so I answered, "The Swedes had robbed me of my coral and bells and
my baby's rattle, and I would have them back." And as I thus paid him
back in his own coin, the officers that sat by him were shamed,
insomuch that one of them began to say to him in Latin he should treat
me seriously, for he could hear that it was no child that he had before
him. In that I was ware that his name was Eusebius; for the officer so
addressed him. So presently when he had asked my name, and I had told
him, "There is no devil in hell," says he, "that is called
Simplicissimus." "Nay," answered I, "and 'tis like there is none named
Eusebius." And so I paid him back like our old muster-clerk Cyriack;
yet this pleased not the officers, who bade me remember I was their
prisoner, and was not brought there to pass jests. At this reproof I
blushed not, but answered: inasmuch as they held me prisoner like a
soldier, and would not let me run away like a child, I had taken care
that they should not make sport with me as with a child: as I had been
questioned, so had I answered and hoped I had done no wrong therein. So
they asked me of my country and my family, but especially if I had
never served on the Swedish side: item, how it was with the garrison of
Soest: how strong it was, and all the rest. To all which I answered
quick and short and well, and in respect of Soest and its garrison as
much as I could confidently state: yet I might well keep silence
concerning my life as a jester, for of this I was ashamed.

Chap. xv.: ON WHAT CONDITION THE HUNTSMAN WAS SET FREE

Meanwhile 'twas known at Soest how it had fared with the convoy, how I
and the corporal had been captured and whither we had been taken; and
therefore next day came a drummer to fetch us back: whereupon the
corporal and the three others were delivered up, together with a letter
to the following purport (for the commandant sent it to me to read):

"Monsieur, etc.,--By the bearer, your tambour, your message hath been
delivered: and in answer thereto I restore herewith, in return for
ransom received, the corporal and the three other prisoners: but as
concerns Simplicissimus, called the Huntsman, the same cannot be
allowed to return, as having once served on this side. But if I can
serve your honour in any matters short of those touching my allegiance,
you have in me a willing servant, and as such I remain,

       "Your honour's obedient servant,

       "[DANIEL] DE S[AINT] A[NDRÉ]."[26]

Now this letter did not half please me, yet I must return thanks to him
for suffering me to see it. But when I asked to speak with the
commandant I received answer he would himself send for me as soon as he
had despatched the drummer, which should be done next morning: till
then I must be patient.

So when I had waited the appointed time, the commandant sent for me,
and that just at dinner-time, and then for the first time the honour
fell to me of sitting at table with him. And so long as the meal lasted
he drank to my health and said no word, great or small, of the business
he had with me; nor was it my part to begin. But the meal now ended and
I being somewhat fuddled, says he, "My friend the Huntsman, ye will
have understood from my letter under what pretext I have kept ye here:
and indeed I intend no wrong or anything contrary to reason and the
usage of war, for yourself have confessed to me and the judge-advocate
that you once served on our side in the main army, and therefore must
resolve yourself to take service under my command. And in time, if ye
behave yourself well, I will so advance you as ye could never have
hoped for among the Imperials, otherwise ye must not take it ill if I
send you to that lieutenant-colonel from whom the dragoons before
captured you." To which I answered, "Worshipful colonel" (for at that
time 'twas not the usage that soldiers of fortune were entitled "your
honour" even though they were colonels), "I hope, since I am bound by
oath neither to the crown of Sweden nor its confederates, and still
less to that lieutenant-colonel, that I am therefore not bound to take
service with the Swedes and so to break the oath which I swore to the
emperor, and therefore beg the worshipful colonel with all humility to
be good enough to relieve me from such a proposal." "How?" says the
colonel, "do ye despise the Swedish service? I would have you to know
ye are my prisoner, and sooner than let you go to Soest to do the enemy
service I will bring you to another trial, or let you rot in prison."
And so, said he, I might lay my account.

Truly at these words I was afeared, yet would not yet give in, but
answered, God would protect me both from such despiteful treatment and
from perjury: for the rest, I persisted in my humble hope that the
colonel would, according to his known reputation, deal with me as with
a soldier. "Yea," said he, "I know well how I could treat ye if I would
be strict; but be ye better advised, lest I find cause to shew you
other countenance." And with that I was led back to the prison.

And now can any man easily guess that I slept not much that night, but
had all manner of thoughts: and next morning came certain officers with
the cornet that had taken me, under colour of passing the time, but in
truth to tell me that the colonel was minded to have me tried as a
sorcerer if I would not otherwise be content. So would they have
terrified me, and found out what my powers were: yet as I had the
comfort of a good conscience, I took all coolly and said but little, as
seeing well that the colonel cared for nothing but this: that he would
fain have me no more at Soest. And well might he suppose that if he
once let me go I should not leave that place, where I hoped for
promotion, and moreover had two fine horses there and other things of
price. Next day he had me brought to him again and asked, had I
resolved otherwise. So I answered, "Colonel, to this I am determined,
that I will sooner die than be perjured. Yet if the worshipful colonel
will set me free and be pleased not to call upon me to do any warlike
service, then will I promise him with heart, mouth, and hand to bear
and use no arms against the Swedes and Hessians for the space of six
months."

To that he agreed at once, gave me his hand upon it, and forgave me my
ransom; further, he commanded his secretary to draw up an agreement to
that effect in duplicate, which we both subscribed, wherein he promised
me protection and all freedom so long as I should remain in the
fortress entrusted to him. On the other hand, I bound myself to the two
points above named, videlicet: that I, so long as I should sojourn in
the said fortress, would neither undertake anything to the hurt of the
garrison and its commander, nor would conceal aught that was intended
to their prejudice and damage, but would much more further their
profit and benefit, and prevent any damage to them to the best of my
ability--yea, that if the place were attacked I should and would help
to defend it.

Thereupon he kept me to dine with him again, and shewed me more honour
than I could in all my lifetime have looked for from the Imperials: and
so by little and little he won me over, till I would not have returned
to Soest even if he had let me go thither and had accounted me free
from my promise.

Chap. xvi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN

When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did
I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound
herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out
to my profit: as when I learned at the commandant's table that my
servant with my two fine horses had come from Soest. But I knew not
(what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the sirens' art, who do
shew themselves kindest to those to whom they wish most harm, and so
doth raise a man the higher but for this end: to cast him down the
deeper. Now this servant, which I had before captured from the Swedes,
was beyond measure true to me, who had done him great kindnesses. He
therefore had saddled my two horses and rode out a good way from Soest
to meet the drummer that should bring me back, that not only I might
not have to walk so far, but also that I might not have to return to
Soest naked or in rags: for he conceived I had been stripped. So when
he met the drummer and the rest of the prisoners there he had my best
clothing in a pack. But when he saw me not, but understood I was kept
back to take service with the adversary, he set spurs to his horse and
says he, "Adieu, tambours, and you too. Corporal: where my master is
there will I be also," so he escaped and came to me at the very time
when the commandant had set me free and was shewing me such great
honour: who thereupon bestowed my horses in an inn till I could find
for myself a lodging to my liking, and called me fortunate by reason of
my servant's faith, yet wondered that I, as a common dragoon, and so
young to boot, should possess such fine horses and be so well equipped;
nay, when I had taken leave and would go to my inn he praised one horse
so loudly that I marked well he would fain have bought him from me. Yet
because from modesty he ventured not to make a bid, I said if I might
beg for the honour of his keeping the horse it was at his service. But
he refused roundly, more because I was fairly tipsy, and he would not
have the reproach of talking a present out of a drunken man, who might
thereafter repent of it, than because he would not fain have had that
noble horse.

That night I did consider how I would order my life in time to come;
and did decide to remain for the six months even where I was, and so in
peace to spend the winter which was now at hand, for which I knew I had
money enough for my purposes, without breaking into my treasure at
Cologne. "In so long a time," thought I, "thou wilt be full grown and
come to thy full strength, and so canst thou next spring take the field
with more boldness among the emperor's troops."

Early next morning I reviewed my saddle, which was far better lined
than the one I had presented to the cornet: and later on I had my horse
led to the colonel's quarters and told him: as I had determined to
spend the six months in which 'twas forbidden me to fight, peaceably
and under the colonel's protection, here, my horses were of no use to
me, which yet 'twere pity should be spoiled, and therefore begged him
that he would consent to grant this charger here present a place among
his own horses, and accept the same from me as a mark of grateful
acknowledgment of favours received, and that without scruple. The
colonel returned me thanks with great civility and very courteous
offers of service, and the same afternoon sent me by his steward one
fat ox alive, two fat pigs, a hogshead of wine, two hogsheads of beer,
twelve cords of firewood; all which he caused to be brought to me in
front of my new lodging, which I had even now hired for half a year,
and sent a message: that as he saw I was to live with him, and could
easily conceive that I was at first ill-provided with victual, he had
therefore sent me for household use a draught of wine and a joint of
meat, together with the fuel to cook the same: with this in addition,
that whereinsoever he could help me he would not fail. For which I
returned thanks as civilly as I could: presented the steward with two
ducats, and begged him to commend me to his master.

So when I saw I had gained such credit with the colonel for my
liberality, I thought to earn praise also among the common folk, that
none should take me for a mere malingerer: to that end I had my servant
called before me in presence of my landlord, and "Friend Nicolas," said
I, "thou hast shewn me more faithfulness than any master can expect
from his servant; but now, when I know not how to make it up to thee,
as having no master and no leave to fight, wherefrom I might gain booty
enough to reward thee as I would fain do, and in respect also of the
peaceful life which I do intend henceforth to live, and therefore do
need no servitor, I herewith give thee as thy pay the other horse, with
saddle, harness and pistols, with the request that thou wouldst be
content for the present to seek another master. And if I hereafter can
serve thee in any way, do thou not fail to ask me." With that he kissed
my hands and for tears could not speak, but would by no means have the
horse, but held it better I should turn it into money to use for my
maintenance. Yet at last I persuaded him to take it, after I had
promised to take him again into my service so soon as I should need a
man. At this parting my landlord was so moved that his eyes also filled
with tears: and as my servant exalted me among the soldiers for this
action, so did my landlord among the citizens.

As to the commandant, he held me for so determined a fellow that he
would have ventured to build upon my word, since I did not only truly
keep the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep that
other promise, which I had made to himself, with great strictness had
rid myself of my fine horses, my arms, and my most faithful servant.

Chap. xvii.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN DISPOSED HIMSELF TO PASS HIS SIX
MONTHS: AND ALSO SOMEWHAT OF THE PROPHETESS

I do think there is no man in the world that hath not a bee in his
bonnet, for we be all men of one mould and by mine own fruits I can
mark how others' ripen. Oh coxcomb! say you; if thou beest a fool,
thinkest thou others must be too? Nay, that were to say too much: but
this I maintain, that one man can hide his folly better than another.
Nor is a man a fool because he hath foolish fantasies, for in youth we
do all have the like: and he that lets those fantasies run loose is
held to be a fool because others keep the fool concealed, and others do
but shew the half of him. They that keep such whims under altogether be
but peevish fellows, but they that now and then allow them (as time
affords an opportunity) to shew their ears and put their heads out of
window to get air lest they be choked, these I hold for the best and
wisest men. Mine own fantasies I let forth only too far, as seeing
myself so free and well provided with money; so that I took me a lad
whom I clothed as a nobleman's page, and that in the most fantastic
colours, to wit, light brown bordered with yellow, which must be my
livery, for so I fancied it: and he must wait upon me as if I were a
nobleman and not until just before a common dragoon; yea, and half a
year before a poor horse-boy.

Now this, the first folly I committed in this town, though 'twas pretty
gross, yet was remarked by none, much less blamed. But why? The world
is so full of such fooleries that none marks them now, nor laughs at
them, nor wonders at them, for all are used to them. And so was I held
for a wise and good soldier, and not for a fool only fit for baby's
shoes. Then I bargained with my landlord for the feeding of my page and
myself, and gave him, as payment on account, what the commandant had
presented to me, as far as concerns food and fuel: but for the drink my
page must keep the key, for I was very willing to give of such to all
that visited me. And since I was neither citizen nor soldier, and
therefore had no equals that were bound to keep me company, I consorted
with both sides, and therefore daily found comrades enough; and these I
sent not away dry. Among the citizens I had most friendship with the
organist, for music I loved and, without bragging, had an excellent
voice which I had no mind to let rust: this man taught me how to
compose, and to play better upon that instrument, as also upon the
harp: on the lute I was already a master; so I got me one of mine own
and daily diverted myself with it. And when I was tired of music I
would send for that furrier that had instructed me in the use of all
arms in Paradise, and with him exercised myself to be yet more perfect.
Also I obtained leave from the commandant that one of his artillerymen
should instruct me in gunnery and something of artillery-practice for a
proper reward. For the rest, I kept myself quiet and retired, so that
people wondered, seeing how I, that had been used to plunder and
bloodshed, now sat always over my books like a student.

But my host was the commandant's spy and my keeper, for well I noted
that he reported to him all my ways and works; but that suited me well
enough, for of warfare I had never a thought, and if there was talk of
it I behaved myself as I had never been a soldier, and was only there
to perform my daily exercises, of which I but now made mention. 'Tis
true I wished my six months at an end: yet could no man guess which
side I would then serve. As often as I waited on the colonel he would
have me to dine with him: and then at times the converse was so
arranged that my intention might be known therefrom: but ever I
answered so discreetly that none could know what I did mean. So once
when he said to me, "How is't with ye, Huntsman? Will ye not yet turn
Swede? An ensign of mine is dead yesterday," I made answer, "Worshipful
colonel, seeing that it is but decent for a woman not to marry at once
again after her husband's death, should I not also wait my six months?"
In such fashion I escaped every time, and gained the colonel's good
will more and more; so much so that he allowed me to take my walks both
inside and outside the fortress: yea, at last I might hunt the hares,
partridges, and birds, which was not permitted to his own soldiers.
Likewise did I fish in the Lippe, and was so lucky at that, that it
seemed as if I could conjure both fish and crayfish out of the water.
For this I caused to be made a rough hunting-suit only, in which I
crept by night into the territory of Soest and collected my hidden
treasures from here and there, and brought them to the said fortress,
and so behaved as if I would for ever dwell among the Swedes.

By the same way came the prophetess of Soest to me and said, "Lookye,
my son, did I not counsel thee well before that thou shouldst hide thy
money outside the town of Soest? I do assure thee 'tis thy greater good
luck to have been captured: for hadst thou returned to Soest, certain
fellows that had sworn thy death, because thou wast preferred to them
among the women, would have murdered thee in thy hunting." So I asked,
"How could any be jealous of me, that meddled with women not at all?"
"Oh," says she, "of that opinion that thou art now, wilt thou not long
remain: or the women will drive thee out of the country with mockery
and shame. Thou hast ever laughed at me when I foretold thee aught:
wouldest thou once more refuse to believe me if I told thee more? Dost
thou not find in the place where thou art better friends than in Soest?
I do swear to thee they hold thee only too dear, and that such
exceeding love will turn to thy harm, if thou submit not to it." So I
answered her, if she truly knew so much as she gave out, she should
reveal to me how it stood with my parents and whether I should ever in
my life come to them again: she should not be so dark in her sayings,
but out with it in good German. Thereupon she said I might ask after my
parents when my foster-father should meet me unawares, and lead my
wet-nurse's daughter by a string: with that she laughed loud, and at
the end said, she had of her own accord told to me more than to others
that had begged it of her.

But as I began to jest upon her she quickly took herself away, after I
had presented her with a few thalers; for I had more silver coin than I
could easily carry, having at that time a pretty sum of money and many
rings and jewels of great price: for before this, whenever I heard of
precious stones among the soldiers, or found such on expeditions or
elsewhere, I bought them, and that for less than half the money they
were worth. Such treasures did always cry aloud to me to let them be
seen in public: and I did willingly obey, for being of a pretty proud
temper, I made a show with my wealth and feared not to let mine host
see it, who made it out to others as greater than it was. And they did
wonder whence I had gathered it all together, it being well known that
I had made deposit at Cologne of the treasure I had found, for the
cornet had read the merchant's receipt when he took me prisoner.

Chap. xviii.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN WENT A WOOING, AND MADE A TRADE OF IT

My intent to learn artillery practice and fencing in these six months
was good, and that I knew: yet 'twas not enough to protect me from
idleness, which is the root of many evils, and especially ill for me
because I had no one to command me. 'Tis true I sat industriously over
books of all sorts, from which I learned much good: but a few came into
my hands which were as good for me as grass for a sick dog. The
incomparable "Arcadia," from which I sought to learn eloquence, was the
first book that led me aside from good stories to books of love and
from true history to romances of chivalry. Such sort of books I
collected wherever I could, and when I found one I ceased not till I
had read it through, though I should sit day and night over it. But
these taught me, instead of eloquence, to practise lechery. Yet was
such desire at no time so violent and strong that one could, with
Seneca, call it a divine frenzy or, as it is described in Thomas
Thomai's "Forest Garden," a serious sickness. For where I took a fancy
there I had what I desired easily and without great trouble: and so had
I no cause to complain as other wooers and lechers have had, which are
chock full of fantastic thoughts, troubles, desires, secret pangs,
anger, jealousy, revenge, madness, tears, bragging, threats and
numberless other follies, and for sheer impatience wish for death. For
I had money and was not too careful of it, and besides I had a fine
voice, which daily I exercised with all manner of instruments. Instead
of shewing my bodily skill in the dance, which I did never love, I did
display it in fencing, engaging with my furrier: moreover, I had a fine
smooth face, and did practise myself in a certain gracious amiableness,
so that the women, even those that I did not greatly seek after, did of
themselves run after me, and that more than I desired.

About this time came Martinmas: then with us Germans begins the eating
and swilling, and that feast is full conscientiously observed till
Shrovetide: so was I invited to different houses, both among the
officers and burghers, to help eat the Martinmas goose. So 'twas that
on such occasions I made acquaintance with the ladies. For my lute and
my songs made all to look my way, and when they so looked, then was I
ready to add such charming looks and actions to my new love-songs
(which I did myself compose) that many a fair maid was befooled, and
ere she knew it was in love with me. Yet lest I should be held for a
curmudgeon I gave likewise two banquets, one for the officers and one
for the chief citizens, by which means I gained me favour of both
parties and an entry to their houses; for I spared no expense in my
entertainment. But all this was but for the sake of the sweet maids,
and though I did not at once find what I sought with each and everyone
(for some there were that could deny me), yet I went often to these
also, that so they might bring them that did shew me more favour than
becomes modest maidens into no suspicion, but might believe that I
visited these last also only for the sake of conversation. And so
separately I persuaded each one to believe this of the others, and to
think she was the only one that enjoyed my love. Just six I had that
loved me well and I them in return: yet none possessed my heart or me
alone: in one 'twas but the black eyes that pleased me; in another the
golden hair; in a third a winning sweetness; and in the others was also
somewhat that the rest had not. But if I, besides these, also visited
others, 'twas either for the cause I mentioned or because their
acquaintance was new and strange to me, and in any case I refused and
despised nothing, as not purposing always to remain in the same place.
My page, which was an arch-rogue, had enough to do with carrying of
love-letters back and forth, and knew how to keep his mouth shut and my
loose ways so secret from one and the other that nought was discovered:
in reward for which he had from the baggages many presents, which yet
cost me most, seeing that I spent a little fortune on them, and could
well say, "What is won with the drum is lost with the fife." All the
same, I kept my affairs so secret that not one man in a hundred would
have taken me for a rake, save only the priest, from whom I borrowed
not so many good books as formerly.

Chap. xix.: BY WHAT MEANS THE HUNTSMAN MADE FRIENDS, AND HOW HE WAS
MOVED BY A SERMON

When Fortune will cast a man down, she raiseth him first to the
heights, and the good God doth faithfully warn every man before his
fall. Such a warning had I, but would have none of it. For I was
stiffly persuaded of this, that my fortune was so firmly founded that
no mishap could cast me down, because all, and specially the commandant
himself, wished me well; those that he valued I won over by all manner
of respect: his trusted servants I brought over to my side by presents,
and with them perhaps more than with mine equals I did drink
"Brotherhood" and swore to them everlasting faith and friendship: so,
too, the common citizens and soldiers loved me because I had a friendly
word for all. "What a kindly man," said they often, "is the huntsman;
He will talk with a child in the street, and hath a quarrel with no
man!" If I had shot a hare or a few partridges I would send them to the
kitchen of those whose friendship I sought, and also invited myself as
a guest; at which time I would always have a sup of wine (which was in
that place very dear) brought thither also: yea, I would so contrive it
that the whole cost would fall upon me. And when at such banquets I
fell in converse with any, I had praise for all save myself, and
managed so to feign humility as I had never known pride. So because I
thus gained the favour of all, and all thought much of me, I never
conceived that any misfortune could encounter me, especially since my
purse was still pretty well filled. Often I went to the oldest priest
of the town, who lent me many books from his library: and when I
brought one back then would he discourse of all manner of matters with
me, for we became so familiar together that one could easily bear with
the other. So when not only the Martinmas goose and the feast of
pudding-broth were gone and over, but also the Christmas holidays, I
presented to him for the New Year a bottle of Strassburg Branntwein,
the which he, after Westphalian use, liked to sip with sugar-candy, and
thereafter came to visit him, even as he was a-reading my "Joseph the
Chaste," which my host without my knowledge had lent him. I did blush
that my work should fall into the hands of so learned a man, especially
because men hold that one is best known by what he writes. But he would
have me to sit by him and praised my invention, yet blamed me that I
had lingered so long over the love-story of Zuleika (which was
Potiphar's wife). "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth
speaketh," said he moreover, "and if my friend had not known how it
fares with a wooer's heart he could never so well have treated of this
woman's passion or in so lively fashion pictured it."

I answered that what I had written was not mine own invention but
extracted from other books to give me some practice in writing. "Yes,
yes," says he, "of course I am pleased to believe it: yet may you be
sure I know more of your honour than he conceives." At these words I
was dismayed and thought, "Hath a little bird told thee?" But he,
seeing how I changed colour, went on to say, "Ye are lively and young,
idle and handsome. Ye do live a careless life, and as I hear in all
luxury: therefore do I beseech you in the Lord and exhort you to
consider in what an evil case you stand: beware of the beast with the
long hair, if you have any care for your happiness and health. Ye may
perhaps say, 'How concerneth it the priest what I do or not?' ('Rightly
guessed,' said I to myself) or, 'What right hath he to command me?'
'Tis true I have but the care of souls: but, sir, be assured that your
temporal good, as that of my benefactor, is for mere Christian love as
precious as if ye were mine own son. 'Tis ever a pity, and never can ye
answer such a charge before your heavenly Father if ye do bury the
talent He hath entrusted to you and leave to go to ruin that noble
understanding which I do perceive in this your writing. My faithful and
fatherly advice would be, ye should employ your youth and your means,
which ye now do waste in such purposeless wise, to study, that some day
ye may be helpful to God and man and yourself; and let war alone, in
which, as I do hear, ye have so great a delight; and before ye get a
shrewd knock and find the truth of that saying, 'Young soldiers make
old beggars.'" This predication I listened to with great impatience,
for I was not used to hear the like: yet I shewed not how I felt, lest
I should forfeit my reputation for politeness, but thanked him much for
his straightforwardness and promised him to reflect upon his advice:
yet thought I within myself, what did it concern the priest how I
ordered my life; for just then I was at the height of my good fortune,
and I could not do without those pleasures of dalliance I had once
enjoyed. So is it ever with such warnings, when youth is unaccustomed
to bit and bridle, and gallops hard away to meet destruction.

Chap. xx.: HOW HE GAVE THE FAITHFUL PRIEST OTHER FISH TO FRY, TO
CAUSE HIM TO FORGET HIS OWN HOGGISH LIFE

Yet was I not so drowned in lust nor so dull as not to take care to
keep all men's affection so long as I was minded to sojourn in that
fortress, that is, till winter was over. And I knew well what trouble
it might breed for a man if he should earn the ill will of the clergy,
they being folk that in all nations, no matter of what religion they
be, enjoy great credit; so I put on my considering cap, and the very
next day I betook myself hot-foot to the said pastor, and told him in
fine words such a heap of lies, how I had resolved to follow his
advice, that he, as I could see from his carriage, was heartily
rejoiced thereat.

"Yea," said I, "up till this time, yea and in Soest also, there was
wanting for me nothing but such an angelic counsellor as I have found
in your reverence. Were but the winter over, or at least the weather
better, so that I could travel hence!" And thereafter I begged him to
assist me with his advice as to which University I should attend. To
that he answered, himself had studied in Leyden, but he would counsel
to go to Geneva, for by my speech I must be from the High Germany.
"Jesus Maria!" said I, "Geneva is farther from my home than Leyden."
"Can I believe mine ears?" says he, "'tis plain your honour is a
Papist! Great Heavens, how am I deceived!" "How so, Pastor?" said I,
"must I be a Papist because I will not to Geneva?" "Nay," says he, "but
ye do call upon the name of Mary!" "How," said I, "is't not well for a
Christian to name the mother of his Redeemer?" "True," says he, "yet
would I counsel your honour and beg of him as earnestly as I can to
give honour to God only and further to tell me plainly to what religion
he belongs, for I doubt much if he be Evangelical (though I have seen
him every Sunday in my church), inasmuch as at this last Christmastide
he came not to the table of the Lord neither here nor in the Lutheran
church." "Nay," said I, "but your reverence knows well that I am a
Christian: were I not, I had not been so oft at the preaching: but for
the rest, I must confess that I follow neither Peter nor Paul, but do
believe simply all that the twelve articles of the Christian faith do
contain: nor will I bind myself to either party till one or the other
shall bring me by sufficient proofs to believe that he, rather than the
other, doth possess the one true religion of salvation." Thereupon,
"Now," says he, "do I truly, and that for the first time, understand
that ye have a true soldier's spirit, to risk your life here, there and
everywhere, since ye can so live from day to day without religion or
worship and can so risk your hope of eternal salvation! Great heaven,"
says he, "how can a mortal man, that must hereafter be damned or saved,
so defy all? Your honour," says he, "was brought up in Hanau: hath he
learned there no better Christianity than this? Tell me, why do ye not
follow in the footsteps of your parents in the pure religion of Christ,
or why will ye not betake yourself to this our belief, of which the
foundations be so plain both in Holy Writ and nature that neither
Papist nor Lutheran[27] can ever upset them."

"Your reverence," I answered, "so say all of their own religion: yet
which am I to believe? Think ye 'tis so light a matter for me to
entrust my soul's salvation to any one party that doth revile the other
two and accuse them of false doctrine? I pray you to consider, with
impartial eyes, what Conrad Vetter and Johannes Nas have written
against Luther, and also Luther against the Pope, but most of all what
Spangenberg hath written against Francis of Assisi, which for hundreds
of years hath been held for a holy and God-like man, and all this in
print. To which party shall I betake myself when each says of the other
that 'tis unclean, unclean? Doth your reverence think I am wrong if I
stay awhile till I have got me more understanding and know black from
white? Would any man counsel me to plunge in like a fly into hot soup?
Nay, nay, your reverence cannot upon his conscience do that! Without
question one religion must be right and the other two wrong: and if I
should betake myself to one without ripe reflection I might choose the
wrong as easily as the right, and so repent of my choice for all
eternity. I will sooner keep off the roads altogether than take the
wrong one: besides, there be yet other religions besides these here in
Europe, as those of the Armenians, the Abyssinians, the Greeks, the
Georgians, and so forth, and whichsoever I do choose, then must I with
my fellow believers deny all the rest. But if your reverence will but
play the part of Ananias for me and open mine eyes, I will with
thankfulness follow him and take up that religion to which he belongs."

Thereupon, "Your honour," says he, "is in a great error: but I pray God
to enlighten him and help him forth of the slough; to which end I will
hereafter so prove to him the truth of our Confession that the gates of
hell shall not prevail against it." I answered I would await such with
great anxiety: yet in my heart I thought, "If thou trouble me no more
anent my lecheries, I will be content with thy belief."

And so can the reader judge what a godless, wicked rogue I then was:
for I did but give the good pastor fruitless trouble, that he might
leave me undisturbed in my vicious life, and thinks I, "Before thou art
ready with thy proofs I shall belike be where the pepper[28] grows."

Chap. xxi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ALL UNAWARES WAS MADE A MARRIED MAN

Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on
half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage,
whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first
she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to
her for ever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a
loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never
once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither
might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents,
and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low
descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in
the going in and out of church, and then would I take opportunity to
draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs,
wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she,
on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was
not to be fooled like any small burgher's daughter: and the more I
thought how hard 'twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew
my desire for her.

But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one
which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance
of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I
took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also.
For her father sending for me, "Monsieur," says he, "that position of
neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause
why I have invited you hither: for I have need of an impartial witness
in a matter which I have to settle between two parties." With that I
thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and
pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable
ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if
I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the
business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to
set up a kingdom, being as 'twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my
part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices
distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty
concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have
wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and 'twas
already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and
I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her
parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my
first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how
tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make
them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they
had no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long
time desired.

So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good
behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the
limed twig and nibbling at the fool's bait till both the maid and her
parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I
had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in
arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in
poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my
mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her but once in
many years: so at last I was become a familiar of the house, and my
suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, 'twas even proposed I should
teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not
only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no
longer sing

       "On the bat's back do I fly after sunset merrily,"

but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good
fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many
joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my
beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my
hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I
should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though
it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an
enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me
besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as
happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for 'twas a
prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my
feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was
I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in
conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that
my damsel's married sister took note, and therefore barred all access
for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as
before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that
the business would not in such fashion end well.

There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing
that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the
gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and
thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I
pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted
by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were
her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is
wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably
with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found
such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her
intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that
and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before
wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn
out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely
awoke: for at four o'clock of the morning there stood my colonel before
my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and "Croat," he
cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword,
"Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!" But I awaking and
seeing in what danger I lay, "Alas," thought I, "make thy peace with
God before this man make an end of thee!" And 'twas all green and
yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or
not.

"Thou lewd fellow!" says he to me, "must I find thee thus shaming of
mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of
this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I
refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in
pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?" And with that he gnashed with
his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to
say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to
myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me
hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had
trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with
the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife
and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a
hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two
hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson.

Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel,
with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little
courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares
with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet
having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a
colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to
put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and
had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists.

"See, master parson," quoth my colonel, "the fair sight to which I must
perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame"--and hardly had he
said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell
hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of
what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood;
for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if
in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment,
"Now will he send a ball through thy head." Yet the good parson did his
best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him
afterwards: for "How now; Master Colonel," says he, "how now! Give your
own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to
what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest
name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the
land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the
invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a
fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I
cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks
deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame
to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which
otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their
marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in
church."

"What?" says the colonel, "am I, instead of punishing them, to come to
them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the
day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay,
ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye
fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens."

But as to me, my thought was, "What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy
leek or die? At least 'tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed
of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou
worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?" Yet loud and long I swore
and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got
only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil
of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man's doubts. So
were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the
ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who
had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my
joke: and "Papa-in-law," says I, "I know not why ye should carry
yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of
kin do bring them to their bed-chamber, but your worship after my
wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house:
and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my
marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law's
face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be
few friendships bred by weddings in this world."

Chap. xxii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS HELD HIS WEDDING-FEAST AND HOW HE
PURPOSED TO BEGIN HIS NEW LIFE

The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young
maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she
went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me
stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to
put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I
had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my
behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and
yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the
world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But
when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and
also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At
one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let
no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit
the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would
before all things win my father-in-law's friendship again, and would so
carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as
if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself,
"Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give
it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage
and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will
be thy portion."

Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have
lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had
married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I
now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to
prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and
if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on
my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as
would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to
do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry
fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for
making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had
in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the
bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning
draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests
to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite
himself.

The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and
because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my
excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that
bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were
never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool
without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to
their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me
in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to
enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what
of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for
the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty.
So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one
clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight
again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I
hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all
marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with
such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for
from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he
undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent
likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made
preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought
together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one
another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and
mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than
cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that
our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk
should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things
suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called
beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have
been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of
hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen
that knew me only too well.

The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so
well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what
profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my
household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble
freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself
obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a
prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which
speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young
soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think
to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable
one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's
own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he
will."

For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more,
but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure
in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away
before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I
served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep
my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the
roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and
resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to
Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress
and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on
which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with
the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For
Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his
headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next
spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care
of his in vain: for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of
John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same
spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.

Chap. xxiii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE
NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE

Things do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by
degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had
I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave
of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my
shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came
luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen
of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite
Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant
in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart;
and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was
herding swine as I was passing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to
grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the
devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to
the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered,
she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it,
runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed
rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil
take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped
him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says
he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee;
I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of
correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not
such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such
darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding.
And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained
upon me should endure?

So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was
just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come,
he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the
merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt
and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and
the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he
would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could
easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water
might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man
can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did
not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides,
I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so
could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas
dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now
being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not
only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to
return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind,
and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither,
seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne
till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay:
so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my
case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper
reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good
present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me
he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and
thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is
to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the
merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the
answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter,
inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all
to be found.

So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I
wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have
said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers,
and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to
travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that
could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses,
so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he
not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal:
for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make
money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with
him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the
chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do
but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas
my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I
began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other
persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his
own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by
the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that
were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their
visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions,
scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to
shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about
everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said
this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin
is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry
man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that
man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless
mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy,
gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we
with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never
so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too,
I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own
hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease
do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil
himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick
man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may
wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian
belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a
jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a
disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially
because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if
poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do
judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and
idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that
gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from
overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but
'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers
that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and
that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so
that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes
to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no
more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in
ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is
and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his
foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and
gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts
can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I
never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are
sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen.
Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for
Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so
nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it
hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from
immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor
is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry
madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor
less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the
female sex: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous,
seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the
rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love,
and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my
intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed
gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he
himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.

Chap. xxiv.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN

The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he
scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with
him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money
they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us
Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not
with his guests but with his children and household, because I had
little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like
Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty
Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only
what had been carried away a week before from the students' table,
pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as
Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for
he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of
gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked
so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet
done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when
our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and
all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this
was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of
which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously
observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of
our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other
decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness
only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and
to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away.
Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer
which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October.
Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time
'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of
maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner
and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with
the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must
count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old
Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the
cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word,
was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had
seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a
while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its
fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe
or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of
his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon
to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up
half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it.
That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and
weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so
much as his chitterlings.

Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat
at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students,
however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare;
yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us
were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in
fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our
appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched
his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was
well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which
was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch
butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at
breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it
was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would
begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but
secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.

Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present:
this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have
game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick
our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders
that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old
Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for
sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday
meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a
hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would
follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get
the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to
play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon
we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the
servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught
for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a
farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had
engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to
say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property:
last night 'twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up
willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The
huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood
the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he
could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a
crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way
the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for
by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the
fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present
the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he
was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my
company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had
the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I
presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it
served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid,
instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer.
So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and
dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I
meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more
such tricks.